Who does Paul Love?

an anthropological study

       This study was funded by some guys I don't understand very well, but when I told them that I wanted about $60,000 to investigate the crushes this great lover of women had, they were more than happy to give it to me. Literally. By which I mean, give me $60,000, no questions asked, just for a syntactically garbled half-sentence of a grant application. So, it's been about a year, and this is what I've come up with. I think it's enough to convince those guys to give me 80 grand next year. Ah, how I love the academic life.

Anyway, if you want more background information, go to lanceandeskimo.com and click on "Brothers Redcloud". The subject of this study is the man with the purple mohawk, Paul. That's all I can tell you for now, in addition to the ladies he loves, who follow (most of them have round faces) ---

Image	Her Name	Why Paul Loves her	Should You Love Her?
	Elizabeth Shue	Because she was in Cocktail and Karate Kid. I think she also looks like his last girlfriend.	Oh, I don't know. I heard she was arresting in "Leaving Las Vegas"
	Drew Barrymore	She has a round face and is kind of stupid, but very sweet. She had a breast reduction and she likes to show everyone. She is kind of a "free spirit" and has dated cool guys, like Eric Erlandson of Hole, and married funny quirksters, like Tom Green. I think Paul appreciates her mouth and her round face, maybe.	I am jealous of her, even though she's kind of stupid. She has had a scarring, whiskey-and-cocaine-saturated childhood & risen above it, or something.
	Janeane Garafolo	She's sarcastic.	Yeah, she's pretty funny, I guess, and Paul's girlfriend's mom gave her a C+ in acting, but nobody said she was a good actress. She's just sarcastic and a role model about being not skinny or something.
	Moon Unit Zappa	She's pop royalty. He wants to be Dweezil and Ahmet and have an incestuous relationship with her.	Well, she's apparently sarcastic, too, but I think this is one of those cases where Paul is misguided and thinks someone is cool when they're clearly kind of pathetic and lame.
	Gwen Stefani	She has a "nice voice".	Yeah, right, she has a nice voice. More like, every boy in America wants her annoying bopping-around-the-stage-and- wailing-like-an-effing-idiot body. They loooooove that she's all girly and outrageous but wears 40 pounds of makeup and yet is athletic and tomboyish. How cute, she has a fucking plastic jewel on her face. She's having such a fucking good time. Big fucking deal.
	Ariel the Mermaid	She has perky bosoms and is pert.	Only love her if you're the worst feminist ever. "Oh, look at me, I'm the Disney heroine for the 90s, because I have a mind of my own, which means I pout all the time because my daddy won't let me do stuff and then I get myself into trouble so's I can't even talk and my lower half is brutally mutilated just like I was some kind of allegorical figure for Errour or Sin. AND then a boy saves me. Wow, I'm the most feminist heroine of all." Paul is stupid.
	Maggie	She has a tight butt.	I don't know. I have never met her, and I got this image off of the Land's End virtual closet feature. She's a shrewd businesswoman, which you have to admire.
	Alexandra Tydings, Xena's "Aphrodite"	He doesn't want to sound gay, but that's a pretty lady.	I don't know. I think she's pretty unattractive.
	SNL's Tina Fey	An analysis of paul's love for a certain lady becomes far more complicated when he actually desires that lady with the physical and emotional intensity that Gollum feels towards the Ring of Doom. (I say this not because I am a nerd, but because Paul is.)	She is legitimately hot, despite her disfigurement, which, incidentally, Paul kinkily believes to be sexy. Also, she succeeded where even Janeane Garofalo failed.
	SNL's Rachel Dratch	She is little and ugly like a little boy, and she eats smoked meats from the mouth of Will Ferrell.	She is pretty funny.
	His girlfriend	He has to.	You might as well. I do; I've interviewed her, and she's pretty articulate and sweet. But she is a terrible dancer.