THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD AGHAST
by Mace Blacksmith
Thunder crashed, breaking the steady rhythm of the rain slapping against the winshield. Lightning forked from the sky in white-hot bolts. "Consarnit," muttered Elven Guy, his many attempts to break free of the slimy, constricting grasp of the icky hole of mud his Rabbi Countache (a kind of car) fell in. "Guess I'll have to do it the old fashioned way," he muttered, his voice dripping with the charming, quirky chagrin he had inherited from his illustrious paterfamilias.
Placing on his favourite hat, the shiny metal one with the metal rod sticking out the top so he could still hear the radio when he was outside (he was listening to the radio), he stepped out of the Coun and rounded the back of the car. Flexing his mighty arms (another inheritance), he proceeded to push the 'Tache out of the mud.
Suddenly, thunder clapped; a bolt of white flame streaked right toward Elven (see, the storm's so close the thunder actually happens before the lightning)...
Then it turned around and went back, never reaching Elven.
*
Dune Guy leaned back in his automatic bed, picking up the daily news chip from his side table. He slipped the chip into his visor and used the scroll button to scan the day's news. The top of the news window read, "MARCH 18, 2003."
"Here's an interesting article," he observed. " 'Man found wandering in woods; not knowing own name'. How droll."
He scanned the article with mild interest, until a certain passage caught his eye...
... Local man Jushthin Cthulu described the mysterious stranger as being 'between five and six feet tall, arms akimbo, eyebrows knitted, knees bent slightly in crouching position, mouth wide open in alarm.'
"My Gosh!" Dune Guy exclaimed.
"THAT'S
MY
"
*
Dune Guy paced anxiously in the waiting room, putting his career as Pacing Champion of the World on hold occasionally to sit tensely in a plastic chair and thumb through a People magazine. However, the troubles of sultry Mary-Kate Olsen, who had just snagged the Oscar for "Best Adult Actress," and of Courteney Cox's battle with sleeve cancer were the farthest things from Dune Guy's mind.
Suddenly the doctor entered. Dune Guy jumped up at his entrance. For the guy who had just entered was none other than the famous neurologist Dr. Drake Ramoray!
"How's he doing?" Dune Guy asked.
"Bad news, I'm afraid. Your son is suffering from..." Dr. Ramoray paused to inhale deeply through his nose. "...total amnesia. I'm sorry."
"Am-ne-sia?" Dune Guy repeated the word numbly. Though it was in his vast vocabulary, the full meaning had not registered in his shock-stricken mind.
"I'm sorry," Ramoray repeated. "Perhaps we could discuss it further over coffee."
It was then that a nurse appeared in the doorway. Ram'ray and Dune Guy both turned to look at her. Cut to her feet, through sparkly pink filter. Camera slowly moves up, arriving finally at her adorable smiling features. She was holding a clipboard.
"Mr. Guy, Mr. Guy will see you now," she said.
And disappeared.
Dune Guy rushed down the hall to the room where he knew from previous knowledge of the location of his son that his son would be...
Unfortunately, Dune Guy actually visited a stranger who had amnesia.
*
It was true. He had amnesia.
Actually, Elven was fine, he was just faking to dodge the draft.
*
It didn't take long for the news to reach Elven's mother, Yasmine Bleeth-Guy, especially since Dune Guy told her about it. Yasmine was devastated, but not too devastated. This was not surprising, since all her emotions had been subdued by hyperazylphrenocalphrenogenoxyden ("Instant Smile").
"He doesn't look good, Yasmine. He doesn't... look... good."
"Well, that's hardly surprising. He was struck by lightning."
"He doesn't remememember anything... not even me."
Yasmine placed a slender arm across Dune Guy's shoulders. "Dune," she said tenderly, "it's not so bad! Now you can make a fresh start."
"I s'pose," Dune Guy grunted in response. Then his eye fell on a large rock that Yasmine kept on the side table for company.
"THAT'S IT!!"
*
It turned out Yasmine's rock wasn't exactly right for the purpose, so Yasmine and Dune Guy went on a quest through the woods to search for a more suitable chunk of geology.
Yasmine held up a slender slice of shale thoughtfully. "How about this?"
"No, not what we're looking for. How about this pumice?" Dune Guy suggested.
"Too light. We need something heavy." She reflected. "Igneous rocks tend to be lighter, Sweetie. Try to find sedimentary... or metamorphic."
"I quite like the weight, texture and feel of this sandstone."
"Red sandstone, Honey? Are you certain?"
"Fine, how about this lovely limestone?"
Yasmine inspected the limestone carefully. Unable to find flaw, she grinned. "It's a thousand to one chance, but it just might work."
*
They hit Elven Guy over the head with a rock and made him all better. Everyone was happy. John Guy even gave them all candy cigars.
The only reason the stupid thing worked was because he was faking all along. Unfortunately, from then on he had post-concussion syndrome and was 4F.
THE END
OR IS IT???
