DIARY OF XIAN TRAVERS:
A Harrowing Descent into the Depths of Madness

April 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:
Actually, I was just going to take my girlfriend, Dale, to Oregon with me, but on our last night in Independence we went to a billiards joint and met Tyler Lacroux and Sheena Purino. We agreed to take them with us.
On the plus side, it is April Fools Day.

April 4, 1848
We shot 262 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Sheena shot the buffalo. She was wearing a tight red dress and fishnet stockings and high heels, which might have been a disadvantage to anyone else but she seemed pretty comfortable in them. I guess she's used to them.
We lost 20 pounds of food due to spoilage.

April 7, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. We have been on the road a week.
Tyler Lacroux thinks he knows best. He stroked his mustache and said, "Let's ford the river." I said, "Ferget it." We're caulking and that's that.

April 8, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Everyone is in good spirits. I think Tyler has a thing for Sheena!

April 9, 1848
We shot 390 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I shot the buffalo this time. By the time Tyler had the gun aimed and adjusted to his liking the rest of us were halfway back to the wagon with the dead buffalo.
We lost 31 pounds of food due to spoilage.

April 11, 1848
We shot 370 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
My Junior Stargazer's Calendar says the moon is going to be in its fourth phase tonight. Golly gee, I can't wait to see her in all her splendor!
Oh yeah. Sorry, Dale, no matter how splendid the moon may be, you will always outshine her in my eyes. Happy now?
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
28 bullets
2 wagon axles
Dave Reid
When we woke Dave up he looked around, screamed, and ran away.

April 13, 1848
We shot 372 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
I got into a deep philosophical discussion with Sheena about the meaning of life. Then Dale came and sniffled piteously. "Seeya," I said quickly as I ran over to Dale. She smiled and said, "You're my favorite pal!" Glad to know I'm appreciated.

April 14, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing.

April 15, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost:
98 bullets
Maaah! That's just inconVENient.

April 16, 1848
We shot 280 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 18, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

April 21, 1848
We shot 195 pounds of meat. Today's weather forecast is... partly cloudy. Aren't you glad I'm a Junior Weather Forecaster?

April 22, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. We have a hankerin' for some soylent green but the game won't let us. That meat-pie guy, Don Sweeney was it? He wouldn't approve.

April 24, 1848
We shot 494 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. We hunt a lot because it's fun to kill things.

May 2, 1848
Broken wagon tongue.
A strange man who called himself Shane Comeback came by while we were trying to fix the tongue. He said he could fix it "I give you my word as a man of honor."
Sheena immediately started flirting with him, in a pathetically obvious manner, and Dale was suspiciously sugary to him. She never offered to make ME a glass of lemon mint wine.
He couldn't fix the wagon tongue, but Sheena and Dale invited him to join us for the rest of the journey. How come Tyler and I didn't get a say in this important group decision! My being group leader no less!

May 5, 1848
We shot 195 pounds of meat.

May 6, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. Well, it USED to be Chimney Rock. But Sheena threw a rock at it and the whole thing just kind of went KAPUT. Now they just call it "Stumpy Rock."
Good thing there are no cops on the Frontier or Sheena would face a two-week sentence in the slammer, probably with some annoying cellmate like Kevin Sorbo's girlfriend (she's in their for the crime of Not Being Able to Act), for vandalism.
We lost 109 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 8, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Oh no! Where is everyone going to vent their frustrations now? We've all got unsatisfied urges to kill! If we don't find some animals to shoot soon we'll turn on each other!... Well, at least we know Shane will be safe as long as Sheena and Dale are around *SIGH*.

May 9, 1848
We shot 123 pounds of meat. We used a whole box of bullets!

May 11, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. Shane was telling army anecdotes. Sheena and Dale hung on to his every word but personally I thought they were pretty lame. Tyler told some really exciting stories about when he was a lumberjack in Old Missassippa, but the girls just ignored him.

May 15, 1848
We took the wrong trail and lost 2 days. Two days not making any progress, two extra days on our journey stuck with Shane Freakin' Comeback! I'd murder him but Dale would probably dump me.

May 22, 1848
Shane Comeback has a fever. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

May 23, 1848
Sheena and Dale made us rest for 7 days.

May 25, 1848
We shot 125 pounds of meat. We kicked some whitetail BOOTY!

May 29, 1848
A thief stole 1 set of clothing.
Tyler Lacroux has dysentery.

May 30, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days. Well, I did. When I told the girls Tyler was sick they shrugged and turned back to Shane, who they've been nursing nonstop. (I think he's faking it.) Well, maybe I think Tyler deserves to be nursed back to health, OK?

May 31, 1848
Shane Comeback is well again. Not surprising, the way those girls mollycoddle him. They wanted to get back on the road right away but I'm not starting back up until Tyler either gets well or dies, and that's that!
Actually, the girls would have won if Shane hadn't said quietly, "Tyler deserves time to get well. We should all help nurse him to health." Immediately the girls were all for it.
What has Shane got that I haven't got!!!

June 3, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
June is busting out all over. Yipee kai ai ay.

June 7, 1848
Tyler Lacroux is well again. When I told the girls they didn't seem to care. Then Shane said Yipee! and they said Yipee!
This is getting agitating.
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

June 9, 1848
A severe storm caused a delay of 1 day. I expected Sheena to cuddle up to Shane and say "Oh Shane, the lightning is frightening me!" but when Dale did that I just felt used and ashamed. I went out in the raging storm and yelled "COME ON LIGHTNING! STRIKE ME! I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR ANYMORE!" It's true, now that Dale's dumped me for Shane "Mr. Stud" Comeback. I just feel so used up and discarded, you know?

June 11, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. To make matters worse, Dale is having no trouble playing Damsel in Distress for Shane. I wish I'd never been born.
We lost 72 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 13, 1848
We shot 1 pound of meat. I shot a SQUIRREL.
We lost 62 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 14, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. I been flying solo chick-wise for five days now and I gotta tell ya, I don't LIKE independence.

June 16, 1848
We shot 176 pounds of meat.

June 17, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Maybe I'd have a better time of it if I just went insane. I'm so miserable.

June 19, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Why can't anything ever go my way?!!!
An ox wandered off for 2 days. He has given me inspiration. I think I'll just leave!

June 21, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. I took the opportunity to slip away. A few hours later, lost in the middle of the fog, I realized that it was my wagon and I should be kicking evetybody else out, not leaving. Luckily I had been walking in circles all this time so I found my way back to the wagon. I thought Dale might have missed me but as it turned out, she didn't notice I was gone until after I returned. Even then, she didn't much care. What a jerk!
We lost 62 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 23, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
During this famine, I'm tired of having everybody eat my precious food stores! I tried to kick Shane Comeback out today, but Dale and Sheena turned on me. When I tried to banish them too, Dale started crying and sat down in the corner. "I thought you loved me," she sobbed. Finally I went guilt-crazy and said, "Fine, fine, you can stay."
"Really?" she cried, overjoyed. She hugged me briefly and then went and cuddled up to Shane.
What really gets me is Shane doesn't even act like having chicks fall at his feet is a good thing. It's just like, Yawn, oh yeah, more beautiful gals throwing themselves at me, so what else is new?

June 24, 1848
Dale Argo(not) has a broken arm. She is being nice to me because I hold her well-being in my hands. I can't help that I'm falling for her sneaky conniving little tricks.
Shane asked if there was any way he could help me care for Dale.
I said, "Shove off."
He replied, "I was just trying to help you."
"Yeah, tell it to the judge, Prince Charming."
He grinned. "You think I'm charming?"
"Oh, don't even pretend like you don't know you're god's gift to women. You're not a very good actor."
"I wasn't acting," he said quietly, but I ignored him.

June 26, 1848
We shot 244 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

June 27, 1848
We shot 238 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Things are looking up, rations-wise.

June 28, 1848
An ox is sick.
We decided to rest for 5 days.
We lost 86 pounds of food due to spoilage.
Tyler Lacroux has a fever.
It's just one thing after another, isn't it?

June 29, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days. We think maybe 5 isn't enough for our good old Jimmy, our second-favorite ox. The one Dale and I picked out together, back when she cared about me.
Oh yeah, and Tyler's sick too. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that what with my boiling with silent resentment and rage towards Shane and Dale, he's kind of gotten lost in the shuffle.

June 30, 1848
We lost 75 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 2, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We lost 65 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 4, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

July 7, 1848
We lost 51 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 9, 1848
We shot 335 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

July 10, 1848
Tyler Lacroux is well again. What about the ox?

July 12, 1848
We shot 20 pounds of meat.

July 14, 1848
We shot 24 pounds of meat. All I can get is these scrawny little whitetail deer.

July 18, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

July 20, 1848
We shot 223 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We have arrived at the South Pass. Midway through the journey to Oregon, and Shane has not eased up in ruining my life.
Dale's arm is still broken. It's growing on her.

July 22, 1848
We shot 258 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

July 23, 1848
Dale Argo(not) is well again.
We found some wild fruit. Dale ate it.
Dale has been trying to get Shane to go out with her since she met him. So far he has refused, gently. Today he was really tired and weary and had a headache, and, just to get her off his back I think, he agreed. (I'm starting to feel sorry for him. Dale can be a pain at times-- I can say that now that she's used me up and tossed me out.)
Isn't this just Dale's day!
Bad water.
Tyler Lacroux was bitten by a snake. I hope he'll be OK. He is the only one I can consider a friend.
We decided to rest for 6 days.
Shane Comeback has a fever. I think he came down with it purposely, to get out of his impending date with Dale. I don't see why he doesn't just take her. He shouldn't be afraid of stealing her from me, she's already forgotten me. Besides, she's cute and there's nothing really wrong with her. Sure, she can be annoying, but if I were Shane I'd snap her right up. Maybe he has something against commitment, or maybe he prefers to be single so he can flirt with other girls without guilt. Or maybe he has a thing for Sheena.

July 24, 1848
We decided to rest for 7 days.

July 25, 1848
Shane Comeback died of dysentery. WHAT?!! He never had dysentery!!!!! I am outraged! I refuse to have the will to live unless Shane is brought back to life! That was totally unfair! Dale SAYS she's grief-stricken, but I think I am MORE grief-stricken than she is. I've come to the conclusion that Dale is a superficial and manipulative person and I refuse to play into her little plots. Sheena is also a shallow person. I have nothing against Tyler, he is just unfortuneate enought to be in my warpath. I would like to die now, just to prove a point.
THERE IS NO GOD!!!!

July 26, 1848
We found some wild fruit. NOOOO! I don't want GOOD things to happen to me now!
As group leader, I have made a few decisions.
-We decided to ration the food in bare-bones portions.
-We will now travel at a more grueling pace.
Dale, Sheena and Tyler are wont to complain. Well, if they don't like it, tough beans! I'm gonna drive us until we die like animals! I have lost all sense of morality or sanity! I am taking matters into my own hands! Maybe this isn't what Shane would have wanted, but it's what I want! I think Shane's death was totally unfair! Someone cheated! That's against the rules! I'm protesting and if Dale, Sheena and Tyler have problems, they can leave! I was the only one who REALLY liked Shane for who he was, though I didn't realize it until after his unfortunate and unfair death.

July 30, 1848
We lost 87 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 1, 1848
Tyler Lacroux is well again. Well, isn't that just dandy!

August 6, 1848
We found some wild fruit. I hope it is contaminated!

August 7, 1848
Bad water. I hope we all get cholera!

August 8, 1848
Bad water.

August 9, 1848
An ox died. Good, I hope he suffered!
Bad water.
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing. I want to die but not drown, you don't get a gravestone that way.

August 10, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Our health is VERY POOR, in big red letters. Good! I'm GLAD!
Dale Argo(not) is sick with typhoid fever. Well, y'know what? I'm NOT GONNA REST! That's right! She's the one I hate the most! Mwa ha ha ha!

August 11, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

August 12, 1848
Bad water.

August 13, 1848
Bad water.

August 14, 1848
We lost 74 pounds of food due to spoilage.
Tyler Lacroux has the measles. Ha ha ha!

August 15, 1848
No water.
We have reached Soda Springs.

August 16, 1848
No water.
Sheena Purino is suffering from exhaustion. Ohh, poor Sheena.

August 17, 1848
We have reached Fort Hall.

August 18, 1848
Tyler Lacroux died of cholera. "Stop this madness!" Dale and Sheena sobbed. However, I remained icy and silent. I have no compassion for people of THEIR type anymore.

August 20, 1848
Dale Argo(not) died of typhoid. Sheena sat huddled in the corner of the wagon, crying. I snapped at her to shut up and be brave about your last few days in this world!

August 22, 1848
Bad water.
Broken wagon wheel.
We didn't try to fix the wagon wheel, but we replaced it from supplies.
No grass for the oxen.

August 23, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

August 25, 1848
Sheena Purino is well again. Pure luck.
No water.
We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing.

August 26, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
No water.

August 27, 1848
Rough trail.

August 28, 1848
Sheena Purino is sick with typhoid fever. Good, let's hope she DIES like a good girl this time!

August 29, 1848
We lost 63 pounds of food due to spoilage.
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
3 sets of clothing
137 bullets

August 30, 1848
We have reached Fort Boise.
No grass for the oxen.

September 1, 1848
No water.
Broken wagon axle.
We fixed the broken wagon axle.

September 2, 1848
Sheena Purino died of typhoid. And then there was one. Don't worry, I will die soon. I have to pay for my sins, don't I? I DID cause three deaths. If there is any justice in this world (and there isn't, as demonstrated from Shane's untimely death), I will die a ghastly horrible death. And soon.
I am sick with typhoid fever. Grrrrr-eat! Sayonara, SUCKERS!

September 4, 1848
The following is a list of things that are going on right now that I would have to worry about if I cared at all anymore:
No water.
No grass for the oxen.
Rough trail.
I lost 56 pounds of food due to spoilage.
If I cared anymore, I'd say this was a bad day.

[ End of Journal. ]

On September 5, 1848, Xian Travers got sick and died. Served him right. To this day, for all to see and enjoy, his gravestone reads, "Here lies Xian Travers. He'll suffer miserable in hell!"