March 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:
-10 oxen
-8 sets of clothing
-1 bowl of wax fruit
-400 bullets
-2 wagon wheels
-2 wagon axles
-2 wagon tailpipes
- 2 wagon tongues
-2 wagon wenches
-100 pounds of food
-1 can of tennis balls
-a duck
-a little baby chick
We start our journey in the best of spirits. Joey entertains the wagon wenches with his repartee. (I omit the word "witty" and with reason.) Yasmine and I provide our own entertainment: we play a hot, steamy round of Go Fish. Young Elven, bless his little soul, amuses himself in the corner with the duck.
We had originally invited the Monkey to our little menage, but he refused. I cannot say we weren't all more than a little not unrelieved.
March 6, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. On the expert advice of the duck, we will caulk the wagon and float it.
March 7, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost:
2 wagon tongues
I'm just thankful everyone is all right. Elven stood up while we were floating. Before I could tell him to sit down, the whole wagon just tipped. Just like that. The last thing I heard as I was going dow was Yasmine screaming. Then my ears filled with water and I couldn't hear a thing. It was freezing cold and I yelped, letting my mouth flood with water. Scared for my life and everyone else's, I struggled under the water, my soaking, freezing clothes weighing me down. I surfaced, and Joey grabbed my arm and hoisted me up on the wagon. Immediately I looked around for Yasmine and Elven. Little Elven was wrapped in a blanket in the corner, but Yasmine was nowhere in sight. I felt a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I realized what might have become of her. Suddenly I saw something moving under the surface of the water: Yasmine! I reached in and grabbed her arm. I lifted her out of the water. She was choking and panting. I held her frigid, besoaken form in my arms. Her clothes were darkened and heavy with water and clung to her body. She shivered. "Come on," I said, "let's get into some dry clothes." She looked up, shivering, and smiled bravely with blue lips. She was frozen but still beautiful. We changed and when we made it to the other side we made cocoa and warmed ourselves by the fire.
March 10, 1848
We shot 298 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. This is because we have never heard of the concept of "going back for more." It's one trip or nuthin.
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the wagon axle, despite our good-natured efforts, but we replaced it from supplies.
March 13, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. The snow has melted and everything is coming up roses.
March 14, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across, THIS time. Yasmine is still a bit shaken from last time, but we've mostly recovered from that little incident. I'm just glad everyone was OK.
March 16, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We played eighty-eight straight games of poker and three crooked ones.
March 17, 1848
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
349 bullets
2 wagon wheels
1 wagon axle
31 pounds of food
1 pair of Joey Tribbiani's pants
We were making a 31 poundcake for Elven's sixth birthday and we left it on the floor with the candles lit and it lit Joey's pants on fire and he was standing near the bullets and they exploded and destroyed 2 wagon wheels and an axel. Now we have only 49 bullets, so Joey (our #1 Huntsman) better not waste any.
We saw a grave by the trail: 'Here lies Uncle Froggy. A fitting end to the great Frog.'
March 19, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. We were given a parking pass and a motel room. There's a continental breakfast tomorrow morning :-D!!!!
March 21, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Bored bored bored. Elven whined. Joey threw darts into the wall. Yasmine talked to the oxen. I tried to sleep.
March 23, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is suffering from exhaustion. My Poor sweet Yasmine! The strain has been too much for her. Traveling the trail is stressful business. She's been working too hard, poor Yas! We have to let her sleep and relax all this week.
March 24, 1848
We decided to rest for 7 days. Yasmine just slept in my arms for fourteen hours. Needless to say my arms fell asleep as well. I didn't mind. She looked so happy and peaceful. I didn't want to move and disturb her, even though it kept me from playing Paddy-cake with the boys.
March 26, 1848
We shot 356 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. We didn't have any food, and we need some to tide us over until we get moving again. Right now we're just resting and I think it's good for all of us.
Elven Guy has cholera. Poor little guy! Now it's just me and Joey at full strength, and we're quite a couple of nursemaids. Joey tells Elven stories while I hold Yasmine and watch TV while she sleeps or just kind of half-watches and rests.
March 27, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days to further aid the recovery of Elven and Yasmine.
April 2, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. She's been getting her strength back all week. All the resting has been very good for her. And now we can all focus on Elven. I am confident that he will recover with maternal care.
April 6, 1848
Elven Guy is well again. See? What did I tell you.
April 10, 1848
We lost 2 pounds of food due to spoilage. I told Joey not to stand there with the fridge door open all that time. Make up your mind I said!
April 11, 1848
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
3 sets of clothing
30 bullets
3 wagon wheels
2 wagon tongues
1 corpse
1 suicide note
1 note bearing the warning: TURN BACK NOW!
I didn't show those last three to Yasmine. It would just upset her.
We have no food, but we cant hunt because it's a rainstorm.
April 13, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock.
April 15, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Joey just sat there for the longest time, waiting. He said he was waiting for the big game. He let all manner of squirrels and bunnies get away. I guess it's bullet conservation or something, but I'm HUNGRY! And my son is hungry! And my wife is hungry! And my duck is hungry!
April 17, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Same story. I guess they were right about game becoming scarce, but our health is failing!
Yasmine Bleeth has the measles. My poor Yasmine! Again, I must try to nurse her back to health. She is glad of my company in this toughest of times.
April 18, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie.
We decided to rest for 6 days in the company of these people. But we're out of food, and our health is very poor!
April 19, 1848
We traded 1 wagon tongue for 50 pounds of food. We just need it to tide us over.
April 24, 1848
Joey tried to hunt but they told us not to because there are too many people around. We might accidentally shoot someone.
April 27, 1848
We shot 2 pounds of meat. Life is tough.
We decided to rest for 4 days.
April 28, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. God, that's such a load off!
April 29, 1848
We traded 1 set of clothing for 50 pounds of food. We need it. And I can live without my argyle sweater and corduroy pants (I hope!)
May 4, 1848
We shot 51 pounds of meat. "Scrawny deer," Joey apologized, but I was so happy he brought back more than 2 pounds I could have kissed him. Then I kissed Yasmine instead and was glad of it later.
May 8, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Another day of boredom, though we did have a bit of fun playing "Marco Polo" in the fog. Then Elven got a little lost and when we found him we decided to go home before we tempted fate anymore.
May 10, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We seem to be having food troubles. Blyaah.
Bad water.
May 11, 1848
Bad water. Old news.
May 12, 1848
Bad water. Geezis. What's the water's problem?
Elven Guy is suffering from exhaustion. We just been pushing the little guy too hard, I guess.
May 13, 1848
We found some wild fruit. That just makes up for everything, doesn't it?
We decided to rest for 6 days.
Yasmine Bleeth is suffering from exhaustion. Joey and I are nurses again. Yasmine and Elven just need sleep and good, solid meals. We're still working on that second part.
May 14, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.
May 16, 1848
We shot 93 pounds of meat. OK. We just have to make that last...
We decided to ration the food in meager portions.
May 21, 1848
Elven Guy is well again. Thank you Providence. No, that's not enough. Thank you, Rhode Island!
May 22, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. All right! Things are finally starting to look up.
May 23, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth has the measles. I spoke too soon, I guess. Poor Yasmine. She's having such a tough time handling the trail, my poor, delicate Yasmine. I'm always there for her, letting her know she can always count on me and look to me for strength and support.
May 24, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.
May 25, 1848
We lost 2 pounds of food due to spoilage.
May 26, 1848
We lost 1 pound of food due to spoilage. Spoilage is just ruining everything! He ain't getting invited to MY next party.
May 30, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Joey Tribbiani is sick with typhoid fever. This is the first time Joey, that tower of strength, has suffered sickness. Yasmine is still sick, too, and Elven and I are tired. Will this never end?
May 31, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.
We traded 2 wagon wheels for 100 pounds of food.
June 1, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. That's one thing less to worry about. And now Yasmine can help heal Joey. She's good at that sort of thing. She has such a gentle, tender touch, soft, healing words and a sympathetic ear. Seeing her tend to Joey, wetting his forehead, giving him water to drink, stroking his hair lovingly, I (ruefully) almost envy him. Then I think how much more loveingly she strokes MY hair even when I'm not sick and I stop.
June 9, 1848
Joey Tribbiani is well again, thanks to Yasmine's natural healing touch and endless night vigil.
June 10, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We saw the grave of Splyt Infynyty: Unfortunately, his name had no vowels.
June 11, 1848
Bad water.
June 12, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. We are low on food, sweaty and exhausted, but we think it's worth it to have made it this far. We're gonna make it after all (hopefully!)
June 13, 1848
We shot 207 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Wow! An ELk, a real elk. I can't believe it! Joey was a hero when he got back with THAT slung over his shoulder.
June 15, 1848
No water.
June 16, 1848
Bad water.
June 18, 1848
We found some wild fruit. It's our lucky day!
June 19, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass. This is the halfway point on our journey! For once, food is not so low, and although we're all a little under the weather, I really feel we can make it to Oregon.
We decided to ration the food in filling portions. I'm feeling... sassy!
Yasmine Bleeth has a fever. She's hotter than usual!
June 20, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days. Yasmine's sick but she's got to recover, I need her I want her I really really love 'er!
June 21, 1848
We shot 184 pounds of meat. Ellllk. Yeeha!
June 23, 1848
Joey Tribbiani has dysentery. Poor guy. He's been overworking himself lately on Elk Patrol. His immune system isn't what it used to be, ever since The Accident.
June 24, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.
June 29, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. There. Now she can help us help Joey. I guess my song worked. Maybe I'll write one for Joey... "Joey's sick but I wish he'd get better. If he falls down dead I'll wish I was deader."
June 30, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth has cholera. My love! She's just getting sick all over the place. The trail is no place for a rare, delicate beauty such as she. I only hope my love is strong enough to pull her through.
July 1, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.
July 2, 1848
Joey Tribbiani is well again. That's all very well and good for him but what about Yasmine?
July 3, 1848
We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage. Sure THAT's what I need to hear.
July 4, 1848
We lost 15 pounds of food due to spoilage. Aaargghhhhh!!!!
July 6, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Well that just makes it all worthwhile.
July 8, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We decided to rest for 4 days. Yasmine's still not better!!
July 11, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. My God. I am so relieved! She was really sick, and for a long time too! My heart.
July 16, 1848
We shot 291 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Elk, baby. THAT's what I'm TALKIN about.
July 19, 1848
We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage. Isn't it always the way.
July 20, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing. This river's supposed to be pretty bad, so we're being careful.
July 22, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Yaay!!
July 23, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Wow! This is just our week, isn't it??
We lost 13 pounds of food due to spoilage. Or not.
July 26, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Plus it's been rainy last week, so the grass is growing, the birds are singing and life is goood.
July 30, 1848
We shot 693 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. It's good not to worry about food like at the beginning of the trail. Things are really looking up. Everyone's in good spirits. Elven blew bubbles today and Joey played the tambourine and danced. Yasmine and I lay behind a grassy knoll and were happy. It was just so romantic.
August 1, 1848
We have reached Soda Springs. It's quite nice. Sodium springs, y'know. Alkaline. We recharged all our batteries and then had Cokes. Don't you just love this place?
We decided to rest for a day.
August 2, 1848
We lost 22 pounds of food due to spoilage.
August 3, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth has cholera. Bad.
We found some wild fruit. Good.
We decided to rest for 4 days. Neutral.
We lost 19 pounds of food due to spoilage. Bad.
August 9, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days. Yasmine must get better. I love her too much for her to die. Do you hear that, Yasmine? Get better! Don't leave me.
August 13, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. My life is worthwhile!
No water. Who needs water? I've got Yasmine.
A thief stole 2 sets of clothing. I TOLD Joey bringing his diamond-studded pants was a dumb idea. The theif also stole my ruffly pink shirt and vest and Yasmine's evening gown, together making up two sets of clothing. What are we going to wear to formal occasions?
August 14, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
August 15, 1848
We have reached Fort Hall. Just our luck, there's a black-tie banquet going on tonight! The only one of us who looks presentable is Elven, and even he has Matchbox cars stuffed in his pockets.
No grass for the oxen. On the plus side, the weather's back down to Warm. No more sweat-drenched clothing clinging to Yasmine's body... wait, what am I saying? That's not a plus!
August 16, 1848
An ox is sick.
Bad water.
Elven Guy found a dead bird.
We're not happy today!
August 18, 1848
We shot 108 pounds of meat. I feel like bear meat tonight!
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the broken wagon axle. We will have to trade for one.
We traded 1 ox for 1 wagon axle.
August 19, 1848
An ox died. We're down to eight oxen now. Awww!
August 20, 1848
Bad water.
No grass for the oxen.
Things are sure rough.... FOR THE OXEN!!
August 23, 1848
We shot 320 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Baby, I live for loving... ELK!!
Bad water.
We lost 25 pounds of food due to spoilage.
August 24, 1848
No water.
August 25, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Yippe-oh-kai-ay.
No water.
August 26, 1848
Bad water. Hey, it's a step up from No Water.
August 27, 1848
Bad water.
Our health is Very poor! How'd that happen??
August 28, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
August 29, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
August 30, 1848
We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing.
We decided to rest for 5 days.
Yasmine Bleeth has dysentery.
August 31, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.
September 7, 1848
Elven Guy is suffering from exhaustion. Poor little guy! The trail is really getting to him.
September 8, 1848
Yasmine Bleeth is well again. This makes me relieved, but our son is still in jeopardy. We must cross the river, however, because we're running low on food.
September 10, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. We hired an Indian to help us. Now we're running low on clothes, though.
We decided to rest for 3 days.
We saw the grave of Mr. Rickety: "He loved, he lost, he enjoyed his health."
September 11, 1848
We traded 1 ox for 3 sets of clothing.
I think we're getting pretty close to the end of the trail, and we haven't lost anyone! We're fairing extremely well.
September 14, 1848
We shot 162 pounds of meat.
We lost 16 pounds of food due to spoilage.
September 15, 1848
No water.
No Kool-Aid mix.
No problem!
September 16, 1848
Elven Guy is well again. This is good. He's my only son. It's not like Yasmine and I can't make more, but... y'know... I'm kind of attached to him.
Joey Tribbiani has a fever. We gave him a Medicine Bear lollipop and his stuffed teddy, Elma.
September 17, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
We decided to rest for 6 days.
September 20, 1848
We found some more wild fruit.
September 25, 1848
Joey Tribbiani is well again. Good, because we need to hunt!
Bad water.
September 26, 1848
We shot 161 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.
September 27, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
No water.
September 28, 1848
No water.
September 29, 1848
Bad water.
September 30, 1848
No water.
My last few entries have all been about water. Hmm... excuse me.
October 1, 1848
Bad water.
Oh, yeah, we have reached Fort Boise, too, but I had to say about the water first.
October 3, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
October 5, 1848
No water.
Rough trail.
Good gravy.
October 8, 1848
Bad water.
October 9, 1848
We shot 85 pounds of meat. The elk were PRANCING but I ran out of bullets.
We traded 1 wagon wheel for 100 bullets.
Rough trail.
October 12, 1848
Saw the grave of Royal Knave-- "ha ha ha he laughs from beyond the grave"
October 12, 1848
We have arrived at the Grande Ronde in the Blue Mountains. Our health is poor, but the whether is cool.
We decided to rest for 3 days.
October 13, 1848
We lost 10 pounds of food due to spoilage.
October 17, 1848
We lost 4 pounds of food due to spoilage.
October 18, 1848
No grass for the oxen
October 19, 1848
We shot some meat
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 21 pounds of food due to spoilage.
October 20, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
October 23, 1848
We shot 207 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Bad water.
October 24, 1848
The trail is impassable. Lost 5 days. We spent the time catching up on our reading.
October 28, 1848
We lost 28 pounds of food due to spoilage.
October 30, 1848
Joey Tribbiani was lost for 2 days. Stupid Joey. I mean that in the most affectionate possible way, of course.
October 31, 1848
We shot 304 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost 42 pounds of food due to spoilage.
November 2, 1848
An ox is sick.
Yasmine is not. Yaay!
We are all happy. We will be reaching the Dallesby nightfall, then it will all be over. I think we'll miss it, somehow... but we'll love our new life of love and happiness in Oregon.
November 5, 1848
We have reached The Dalles. This may be the last entry I make in you, Dear Journal. You have been good to me. Just some last messages... a messenger caught up with us a few minutes ago, offering Joey an audition from an Oregon acting agency. Short on actors there I here. He's agreed with ab-crunching zeal. Yasmine, Elven and I are going to settle down and have a little homestead full of cosmic love and peace. Yaay!
Oh-oh, got to go. Yasmine's calling. We're ready to finish our epic Oregon quest. We're off to Willamette. Last one there's a monkey.
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