Hudson Goes To Wilamette-1848
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April 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:
10 oxen
10 sets of clothing
400 bullets
1 wagon wheel
1 wagon wheel hubcap
a bag of wooden nickels
1 wagon axle
1 wagon tongue
50 pounds of food
two unharmed prisoners
three lockpicks
one unopened box of matzos
cracker crumbs
Dave Matthews says he's going to form a band when we get to Oregon. What a maroon!
Our Amazon Queen, Oriana Melosa Francesca Maria Carlita Banana Fanna Fo Fanna, or "Amazon Queen" for short, is the best armed of all of us, followed by me. I have three weapons. In its own little sheath at my belt, where I keep all my useful things (I have bags and pouches and things hanging off it, it makes we look quite well-equipped), I have my dagger, and coiled around my belt is my whip. I also have my hunting rifle. I keep my bullets in a (BULLETTY THING) over my shoulder and across my leather-armored chest.
Eagle Thropman has a Harley.
April 2, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
April 4, 1848
We shot 507 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
April 7, 1848
We shot 485 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
April 8, 1848
We shot 313 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
April 9, 1848
We shot 502 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We took the wrong trail and lost 5 days. We played Blind Man's Bluff. Eagle Thropman, whose voice is played by Roy Conrad, was the Blind Man.
A thief stole 2 oxen. We will always miss good old Bessie and that cute, lovable, feisty young calf Ashton. However I'm sure the disciple of Autolycus who stole them must've had a Heart of Gold if he only stole two and left us eight to get to Oregon with.
April 15, 1848
We shot 500 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
April 17, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.
April 18, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
April 21, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. It's big and blue.
April 22, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
April 23, 1848
We shot 139 pounds of meat. We got three deer. We saw two buffalo and the artist formerly known as Prince, but we spared their lives.
April 25, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. The constant chirping of the crickets drove us all to the brink of insanity and I think Mr. Fancypants is a bit of a babbling idiot now.
April 27, 1848
We shot 163 pounds of meat. We used 15 bullets. We pretty much shot at random because there were so many rabbits. It was like a giant cloud of rabbits suffocating us. We didn't want to shoot the bunnies though because we wouldn't eat them. None of us like rabbits.
I never knew rabbits traveled in packs before.
April 28, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
April 30, 1848
We shot 106 pounds of meat. We shot two deer. We saw SEVEN buffalo but Dave Matthews wouldn't let us shoot them and leave a lot out to waste. Dave says he has Indian-- sorry, NATIVE AMERICAN-- blood but we none of us believe him.
Eagle Thropman has a fever.
May 1, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days. We can see Ft. Kearney in the distance, we sent Amazon Queen ahead screaming "MAY DAY! MAY DAY!" because we were in trouble, Eagle being sick and all but all we got was a shout back saying "Yes I KNOW it's May Day! I'm not sh2pitt you know!"
May 5, 1848
We found some wild fruit. After all that yelling a few days back Amazon Queen said she needed the medicinal berry juice for her sore throat but Dave Matthews says his ancestors taught him a fever treatment using berry juice. He said he needed the berries for Eagle. Amazon Queen and I are skeptical though.
Mr. Fancypants is still a babbling loon.
Amazon Queen has the measles.
May 6, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days. Well, I did. Amazon Queen and Eagle Thropman are both sick, Mr. Fancypants is in no condition to make decisions and Dave Matthews lies so much we just ignore him now.
May 8, 1848
We shot 267 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Dave Matthews didn't say anything when I left 67 pounds behind but I could tell he disapproved from the withering look he gave me. Well I'm sorry but we can't go the whole way to Oregon without shooting any buffalo! At least I only shot one!
May 9, 1848
Eagle Thropman is well again. He was very happy to be well and he was zooming around on his Harley, but I made him come back and help me tend to Amazon Queen. I ran out of medicine and sent Eagle to get some more skullweed. Dave Matthews opened his mouth to say something but Eagle punched him in the jaw. I started cheering until Dave Matthews, hand on his bloody jaw glared at me and I remembered that I'm supposed to be the responsible one.
May 11, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Dave Matthews didn't say anything this time. I think Eagle has taught him a lesson.
We lost 109 pounds of food due to spoilage. Dave Matthews, filled with resentment toward Eagle blamed him for this unavoidable tragedy. I told him it couldn't have been avoided but he punched me! Well he doesn't know who he's dealing with! We started fighting, Eagle tried to break us up but Dave started fighting him. Eagle and I allied against him. He's a feisty little devil but we brought him down in the end. Now Eagle and I have to tend to his wounds, as well as Amazon Queen's measles.
May 12, 1848
We lost 97 pounds of food due to spoilage.
May 13, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.
May 14, 1848
Amazon Queen is well again. Well thanx a lot!
May 15, 1848
We shot 500 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I used 8 bullets. Those buffalo are just too quick for me.
May 21, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We have reached Fort Kearney.
May 23, 1848
We shot 420 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Dave Matthews was REALLY pissed now. He's sworn revenge at us. Amazon Queen told him, "I don't know what they did to you while I was indisposed but you better not do anything to Hudson, she and I are like THIS."
It's true. Amazon Queen and I are boyz. She's my main man.
May 25, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
May 29, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
May 30, 1848
No grass for the oxen. What is this some kind of broken record!!!
June 1, 1848
We shot 296 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
It's June now, and Dave Matthews is getting antsy. He says all is forgiven if we get him to Oregon by September in time for his tour. At this rate, I said, we won't hardly be at Soda Springs by September. I said, "If you wanted to get there by September, you should've left earlier!" He said, "Husdon, you know that would've been impossible, there were those snowstorms in February and March." I said, tough beans.
June 3, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We have reached Chimney Rock. Eagle says tiny molemen live beneath the rock and actually use it as a chimney! Dave Matthews said, it's true, my grandpappy was a good ol' Chiminey Rock Moleman. Amazon Queen wanted to climb up and see if it was true or if it wasn't, prove Dave Matthews wrong but I remembered to be responsible and make them get back on the road. Aren't you proud of me?
June 5, 1848
We shot 23 pounds of meat. Dave says I'm getting sloppy. "Am I?" I sobbed. "Awww," said Amazon Queen, "now look, you're makin' `er cry! Hey buddy, you mess with Hudson, you mess with ME." Dave backed off but says if we don't reach Oregon by September he'll be very angry.
June 6, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
June 8, 1848
We took the wrong trail and lost 4 days. What are we some kind of babbling idiot like Mr. Fancypants!
June 13, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie.
No grass for the oxen.
June 14, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
June 16, 1848
Bad water.
June 17, 1848
Bad water.
June 18, 1848
No grass for the oxen. This is starting to get to me. Especially the heat. I picked a fight with Eagle today: mistake. I'm aching now.
June 19, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
June 20, 1848
We shot 50 pounds of meat. Dave Matthews says now he misses the days when we used to have enough meat to leave some out to rot. This is because we've been giving him extra-small rations. He doesn't know it because Amazon Queen rations out the food and he has nothing to do with it. Amazon Queen'll give herself a nice portion, and me too `cause we're friends, and Eagle Thropman because she respects him, but Dave Matthews and Mr. Fancypants get small portions.
June 21, 1848
We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.
June 22, 1848
We traded 240 pounds of food for 2 oxen.
June 23, 1848
We shot 45 pounds of meat. 10 bullets for 45 measly pounds! That was two strapping young bucks! These whitetails sure are scrawny.
June 24, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Now we're all getting Dave-sized portions, except Dave and Mr. Fancypants who get less. Tomorrow Amazon Queen and I will try again. Sometimes Eagle hunts, but not Dave. He's a terrible shot. We don't trust Mr. Fancypants with a gun.
June 25, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
2 sets of clothing
35 bullets
If that's all they had in the world, I can understand why they abandoned ship!
June 26, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We can't do anything in the fog, not even hunt. We just have to sit there and listen to the crickets. That's what drove Mr. Fancypants insane, remember? Whenever he hears crickets now, he sits on his haunches and barks like a dog.
June 28, 1848
We shot 25 pounds of meat. The situation is getting desperate! Every day we use up something like 60 pounds of food, what with me, Amazon Queen and Eagle Thropman each getting 15 pounds and Dave getting 10. Usually Mr. Fancypants doesn't get more than a five-pound steak which we throw to him. He will then wrestle it to the ground and devour it. (We hardly ever let Mr. Fancypants in the wagon anymore, except sometimes when it's rainy. Don't you hate the smell of a wet crazy guy?)
We lost 67 pounds of food due to spoilage.
June 29, 1848
Dave Matthews got lost. Thankfully, we found Dave Matthews alive after 2 days. We then proceeded to give him a swift beating.
June 30, 1848
We found some wild fruit. I've never been so overjoyed in my life.
It's a rainstorm. Mr. Fancypants came in and shook all the water out of his clothes and he got everything all soggy!
July 3, 1848
We shot 7 pounds of meat. Four bunnies. Well, hey it's better than nothing! The bunnies and squirrels were frolicking. I did not see one deer, not even a whitetail.
According to the guidebook, in order to stay on schedule we have to reach Independence Rock no later than tomorrow. According to Dave Matthews, in order to stay on schedule we have to reach Independence Rock by June 8. Too late! Ha-ha!
July 4, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We have reached Independence Rock. We're on time-- just barely.
It's Independence Day, according to the guidebook. I don't feel very independent, not when I depend on Eagle and Amazon for so much. (I don't depend on Dave Matthews for anything and Mr. Fancypants doesn't count.)
July 6, 1848
We shot 323 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. The elk have come to our rescue! Things are looking up for our culinary future. We had a banquet to celebrate. We cooked up some of the elk as well as a side order of wild berries and rabbit meat. Lately we've been having watery stew, but tonight we had pure meat, baby! We threw Mr. Fancypants a T-bone and dug in!
After dinner we let Mr. Fancypants run around in the yard, and it started raining. Hard. When we let him in after seventeen straight minutes of staying out in the rain, which I love but he hates, he was so happy to see Amazon Queen that he leapt up on her and licked her face. "EEEEEW!" she screamed, throwing him across the room.
Mr. Fancypants has a broken arm.
July 9, 1848
We shot 90 pounds of meat. FOUR whitetail deer and all I got was NINETY MEASLY POUNDS!!! I'm a sharpshootin' gun-swingin' ace, but all it gets me is 90 pounds. I feel underrewarded.
We lost 76 pounds of food due to spoilage. There go my whitetails.
July 11, 1848
We shot 247 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Love them elk.
We have arrived at the South Pass. According to Dave, we should have gotten here by June 15. I say, nuts to that.
Eagle Thropman has cholera. I told him he shouldn't have drunk that yukky mud water, I don't care how much it looked like Coke!
July 12, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days. Trail Guide Mike Retread's Friendly Guidebook says it'll take 2-7 days for Eagle to be well. It also says he has muscle cramps and vomiting and dehydration HA HA! Just goes to show you, don't mess with the Husdonator! (See June 18).
July 14, 1848
We shot 147 pounds of meat. Three mule deer.
July 16, 1848
We lost 92 pounds of food due to spoilage. Luckily, Dave Matthew's already made his mule deer dish, Grandpappy's Mule Deer Gumbo. As skeptical as I am about Dave's bogus tales about his ancestry, he makes one mean mule deer gumbo.
July 18, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days. Eagle isn't well yet!
July 20, 1848
Eagle Thropman is well again. We'll be taking off in 2 days. Fasten your seatbelts everybody!
July 22, 1848
We lost 74 pounds of food due to spoilage.
July 24, 1848
We shot 49 pounds of meat. I ony got one deer because I wasted a lot of time coaxing it to come into range, then when it came I was so used to it not coming that I was unprepared and I missed it. Luckily, I managed to shoot another deer, so the crew doesn't think I'm losing my touch.
July 27, 1848
We shot 355 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. A buffalo! I haven't seen one of THEM for awhile. I was so surprised to see it I started chatting with it conversationally. "Hey, long time no see! What up, Buff?" Then I shot it, so the crew doesn't think I'm going soft on them.
We lost the trail for 2 days. How can you lose a trail? We must be a bunch of blathering fools! (Well, I already knew that about Mr. Fancypants.)
July 31, 1848
We shot 324 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I shot a big fat antelope! They're like elk but lighter in color.
We lost 98 pounds of food due to spoilage.
August 1, 1848
We lost 87 pounds of food due to spoilage. Geez, won't you let us EAT our food!
August 2, 1848
It's Eagle Thropman's birthday. I asked him how old he was, and he said he didn't know. I think he's older than he lets on.
I gave him a leather jacket I made from deer skin. I chewed it myself and painstakingly died it black with blackberry juice. It took me forever! I'm glad I started a long time ago.
Amazon Queen gave him a pair of snazzy leather pants.
Dave Matthews gave him a Coke. Eagle said, "I don't want cholera again."
Dave said, "Trust me."
Eagle gave it to the dog, I mean Mr. Fancypants, and said, "Don't take it personal Dave, it's the thought that counts right?"
"Hey! I went through a lot of trouble to get you that Coke!"
"If there's one thing I've learned on this trip, it's don't drink the water!" Eagle objected.
Dave is writing a song about not drinking the water. He says when he gets to Oregon he's gonna have his friend Alanis help him sing it. What a goof! That would NEVER work.
August 3, 1848
We shot 349 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I saw two buffalo, but I only shot one because I'm a saint.
August 4, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
August 5, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
August 6, 1848
We shot 382 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. How can game become scarce? I shot a buffalo, but I saw five elk and two buffalo! And I was only out there twenty-seven seconds!
August 7, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.
August 8, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
Mr. Fancypants is well again.
We found some wild fruit.
Well isn't this just our day!
August 9, 1848
An ox is sick.
No grass for the oxen.
Sucks to be the oxen.
August 11, 1848
We shot 337 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost the trail for 2 days. It was Dave's fault. He's almost as dumb as Mr. Fancypants.
August 12, 1848
We lost 125 pounds of food due to spoilage.
August 14, 1848
We shot 232 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. The hunting is pretty good around here, actually. If we hunt in one place, we have to wait awhile before we hunt again because the game becomes scarce.
No grass for the oxen.
August 15, 1848
Bad water. Eagle is the only one not in danger of getting sick because of it because he refuses to drink water that hasn't gone through his extensive purification process. I say, "You'll get dehydrated," but he says, "Baby," he says, "I'll take that risk." I guess the cholera incident left a lasting impression on him.
August 18, 1848
We have reached Soda Springs. Earlier I said that we would hardly be at Soda Springs by September. I now revise my statement to "We will not reach it to Oregon in the next 14 days."
Eagle has approved the mineral water that spouts from the springs so he made us stop while he drank a lot of water. Amazon, Dave, Mr. Fancypants and I all had a few cups, but Eagle must've drank 50 gallons! We're gonna have to take a lot of pit stops when we get on the road.
Eagle Thropman has the measles.
We decided to rest for 7 days.
August 21, 1848
We shot 336 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Amazon has been teasing Eagle because he hasn't had measles before. She says he must've led a sheltered life. Eagle was sitting there on a log outside the wagon wrapped in a blanket and hanging his head and feeling sorry for himself, waiting for me to finish preboiling his water, and Amazon Queen was standing there in front of him, taunting him. He was motionless until she called him a momma's boy, when he abruptly socked her in the jaw and threw her off balance. She caught herself before she fell completely but her mouth was bleeding. "Unnngh," Amazon moaned, "That smarts. But thank you, I deserved that."
Mr. Fancypants has dysentery.
August 22, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
We decided to rest for 5 days. Dave has developed an affection for Mr. Fancypants, man's best friend and all that jazz.
August 24, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
We lost 139 pounds of food due to spoilage.
August 25, 1848
A thief stole 25 bullets. That bastard!
August 27, 1848
We shot 213 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I got me two bears. Bear isn't as good as venison or buffalo meat, but it's a welcome change. All we've had all journey is buffalo and various kinds of deer and at one point I think we had some rabbit.
We lost 141 pounds of food due to spoilage.
August 28, 1848
Eagle Thropman is well again. I expected him to give Amazon Queen a full beating now that he was on his feet, but he didn't. Maybe he forgot.
August 30, 1848
Mr. Fancypants is well again. Dave is relieved. For awhile we were afraid he wouldn't have a pet anymore.
August 31, 1848
We lost 120 pounds of food due to spoilage.
Tomorrow Dave Matthews will be officially off-schedule. HA! HA! HA!
September 4, 1848
We have reached Fort Hall. I talked to this guy we've been meeting up with occasionally at landmarks, Miles Hendricks. He said something strange. He's going to L.A. now, he wants to live in Silicon Valley, so he said, "Write us, you or the Missus, as soon as you reach Oregon." Now, from how little my leather armor leaves to the imagination, you'd think he'd be able to see that I'm female. Maybe he thinks Amazon Queen is my wife. Geez, people! She's just a friend!
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