Jaco Notorious's Tragic Journey


or JUSTIN KAISSE, HOW I LOVED THEE




March 1, 1848

March 2, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed and heavy-spirited. With this start, is it any wonder that we are disenheartened?

March 4, 1848
We shot 210 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

March 5, 1848
We shot 321 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

March 6, 1848
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
2 wagon wheels
1 wagon tongue

March 8, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.

March 9, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.
I love my loyal crew. Daisy Chains loves the sound of metal hitting metal, the taste of blood and the thrill of battle. Justin Kaisse loves Kurt Response. Kurt Response loves pudding.

March 12, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

March 13, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing.

March 16, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Yeee-ha ha! In your face, you scruffy-looking nerf-hurter!
A thief stole 3 oxen. We suspect Auntie Freeze, one of Daisy's mortal enemies.

March 19, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Daisy Chains wishes we had got some meat, so that she could use the leather to make a choker necklace with spikes on it.

March 20, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day.

March 22, 1848
We shot 462 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Now Daisy Chains has her leather.
Daisy Chains scares me. I only let her come because I was afraid she'd crush me like a bug if I didn't. Daisy Chains is like that. I think Justin Kaisse and Kurt Response feel the same way. They wish I hadn't brought her along. But they're too scared to do anything about it.

March 23, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day.

March 26, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. I can't hunt at a landmark because there are too many people around. What if I want to hunt for people? Daisy Chains has a fever.

March 27, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days. If we let Daisy Chains die she will kill us.

April 2, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days.

April 6, 1848
Daisy Chains is well again. What a relief. We're safe... for now.

April 8, 1848
We shot 284 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Ah, spring. When a man's love turns to fancy. Justin Kaisse fancies Kurt Response.


April 9, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

April 11, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

April 13, 1848
We shot 448 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost 44 pounds of food due to spoilage.

April 14, 1848
We shot 277 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost 58 pounds of food due to spoilage.

April 19, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

April 21, 1848
We lost 42 pounds of food due to spoilage.
We took the wrong trail and lost 2 days. We're a bunch of idiots. Except Daisy Chains, of course... heh heh...

April 26, 1848
We lost the trail for 5 days.

May 3, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, we will then eat some pie.
We lost 21 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 4, 1848
We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 8, 1848
We shot 56 pounds of meat.
We have reached Fort Laramie.

May 9, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We found some wild fruit.

May 11, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We lost 14 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 12, 1848
We shot 101 pounds of meat.
We decided to ration the food in meager portions.

May 14, 1848
Broken wagon tongue.
We fixed the broken wagon tongue.

May 15, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

May 17, 1848
Justin Kaisse was bitten by a snake. I have got Kurt Response to visit Justin Kaisse. This oughta help.
We decided to rest for 4 days.

May 22, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days.

May 26, 1848
Justin Kaisse is well again. Yaay!

May 28, 1848
We shot 141 pounds of meat.

May 30, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

June 2, 1848
We shot 23 pounds of meat.

June 8, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. We all scratched something in the side. Justin wrote "JK + KR 4-Eva"; Kurt wrote about Jell-O Pudding Pops.

June 10, 1848
We shot 2 pounds of meat.
Bad water.

June 11, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

June 13, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We lost 9 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 16, 1848
We shot 531 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Bad water.

June 18, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Daisy Chains has a fever.

June 19, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 4 days. Daisy Chains has GOT to pull through... She's GOT to! It's not just a matter of fear any more. This trip has pulled us all closer together and all that corny junk. We love her! Come on, Daisy!

June 22, 1848
Kurt Response has the measles. Justin Kaisse is devastated.

June 23, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.

June 24, 1848
We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 25, 1848
Justin Kaisse has cholera. I think it's just the devastation of Kurt's sickness.

June 26, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

June 27, 1848
We shot 131 pounds of meat.

June 29, 1848
Daisy Chains is well again.

July 3, 1848
Kurt Response is well again.
Kurt Response has a fever.

July 4, 1848
Justin Kaisse is well again.
We decided to rest for 4 days. Kurt Response is sick again. I hope Justin Kaisse doesn't have a relapse because of it.

July 6, 1848
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
171 bullets
1 wagon wheel

July 9, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

July 13, 1848
Kurt Response is well again. Back on the road, baby!

July 14, 1848
No water.

July 16, 1848
We shot 21 pounds of meat.
Bad water.
We have arrived at the South Pass.

July 18, 1848
We shot 270 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. An elk, baby, an ELK! How lucky can you get?
Bad water.
We lost 30 pounds of food due to spoilage.
Justin Kaisse has the measles. May the gods be with you, Justin!

July 19, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

July 22, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

July 24, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 3 days.
We lost 23 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 26, 1848
We lost 19 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 28, 1848
Justin Kaisse is well again. Yippee kai-ai ay!
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

July 30, 1848
We shot 354 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

July 31, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
Bad water.
We lost 35 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 1, 1848
Bad water.

August 3, 1848
Bad water.
We lost 29 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 4, 1848
We shot 453 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Melvin Rat is sick of being ignored. Tough beans, Mel.

August 5, 1848
We decided to ration the food in filling portions.

August 6, 1848
We shot 325 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

August 8, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

August 9, 1848
No water.

August 11, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.

August 16, 1848
The ferry got our party and wagon safely across.
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

August 18, 1848
We shot 360 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Bad water.
No grass for the oxen.

August 19, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

August 20, 1848
Bad water.

August 21, 1848
Bad water.

August 23, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We decided to rest for 2 days.
Justin Kaisse has dysentery. Oh, Justin, please pull through!

August 24, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

August 25, 1848
We shot 383 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost 76 pounds of food due to spoilage.
Kurt Response has a fever. If we let Justin Kaisse know, it will not be good for the sickness.

August 26, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

September 2, 1848
Justin Kaisse is well again.

September 3, 1848
Kurt Response is well again.

September 5, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Bad water.
We lost 53 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 6, 1848
We shot 239 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

September 8, 1848
No water.
Melvin Rat has a broken leg.
We decided to rest for 3 days. I scratched myself on a nail!

September 11, 1848
Melvin Rat died of typhoid. Aw, what a shame.

September 13, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

September 16, 1848
An ox is sick.

September 17, 1848
We shot 203 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost 75 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 18, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We lost 66 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 20, 1848
We shot 302 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

September 21, 1848
We lost 76 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 22, 1848
We have reached Soda Springs.
Bad water.

September 23, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

September 24, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

September 25, 1848
We will now travel at a more strenuous pace.

September 26, 1848
Bad water.
We lost 63 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 28, 1848
We shot 290 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

September 29, 1848
We have reached Fort Hall.

October 1, 1848
Bad water.

October 3, 1848
Bad water.

October 4, 1848
Bad water.
Justin Kaisse has a broken leg.
We decided to rest for 5 days.

October 5, 1848
We lost 67 pounds of food due to spoilage.

October 7, 1848
We shot 217 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

October 11, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 4 days.

October 15, 1848
Justin Kaisse got sick and died. NOOOOO! I can't believe it... poor, sweet Justin Kaisse... when Kurt found out about poor Justin's amazing love for Kurt, I think Kurt was a bunch sadder. Justin was so unbelievably nice and sweet and kind.
I'm so saaddddd! What will I do now! Justin was the only thing keeping me going! Waaaaaugh! Even Daisy Chains was visibly sad, and she's real real tough.
I can't go on without Justin! Justin was my life! AAARGH I'm so devastated! How can I go on! My life is worthless! I've lost the will to live! Justin, Justin, show me the way! Justin, Justin, come back! Justin, I miss you! Wake up! Help me go on! AAAUGH! Nooooooooooo! Helllllllp! I need a reason to live! Justin is gone, so I have no purpose in life anymore. Daisy and Kurt aren't too good in the comforting business. If I needed comforting, I used to go to Justin. But Justin's gone, and only now do I realize how much Justin meant to me. Oh, sure, NOW I realize, now that Justin's dead. If only Justin were back, I'd do things so much differently.
JUSTIN, JUSTIN, COME BACK TO ME!!!

October 17, 1848
Bad water.
We lost 68 pounds of food due to spoilage.
We took the wrong trail and lost 4 days.
I am still frozen with grief.

October 18, 1848
Daisy Chains is sick with typhoid fever. Oh, no! I can't bear to lose another person! Daisy, you're strong! You MUST pull through, you MUST!

October 19, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.

October 27, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

October 28, 1848
We lost 51 pounds of food due to spoilage.

October 29, 1848
Daisy Chains is well again. Thank the gods! But that doesn't bring Justin back. WAAAAUGH!

October 30, 1848
We shot 499 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Justin's love knows no boundaries. Just thought I'd let you know that.

November 3, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

November 4, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

November 5, 1848
Dust storm. Lost 1 day. Thought about Justin.

November 9, 1848
We shot 155 pounds of meat. Justin, I haven't forgotten you! I think about you every day! I miss you so!

November 12, 1848
We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing.

November 13, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Too bad. I may as well drown, now that the light of my life Justin is gone. However, Kurt Response and Daisy Chains still have will to live, as long as there's pudding and blood, metal and combat.
Daisy Chains has the measles.
We decided to rest for 5 days.
Nothing penetrates my sheild of grief anymore. I can hardly bear to go on.

November 14, 1848
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
34 bullets
1 wagon axle
350 pounds of food
"Oh. who cares about food at a time like this?" he said as he got out his trusty hunting rifle.

November 16, 1848
We shot 356 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

November 20, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.

November 23, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We traded 15 pounds of food for 30 bullets.
We traded 23 pounds of food for 30 bullets.

November 24, 1848
Daisy Chains is well again. Well, that's all well and good for her but what about Justin?

November 28, 1848
We shot 139 pounds of meat. I refrained from shooting a duck because I was thinking about how I was a duck and Justin was the wind beneath my wings.

December 5, 1848
We have reached Fort Boise. We played hackey sack. Justin would've loved it.

December 6, 1848
We shot 247 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Gods, Justin used to love meats.

December 11, 1848
We lost 57 pounds of food due to spoilage. Justin's probably rolling in Justin's grave. Justin is in Justin's grave.

December 16, 1848
We shot 96 pounds of meat. Justin weighed {more than} 96 pounds. Well, perhaps 96 pounds was the EDIBLE portion.
We have arrived at the Grande Ronde in the Blue Mountains. I think this is just about my last entry, so I will just say, Justin, I will always honor your memory! I will always not forget you! I'll never let go of the sweet memories of you that I have! May we meet again in the Elysian Fields! You died so that our souls might be saved! I know you're watching over us! That's why Kurt hasn't gotten too sick so far! You were so great that you weren't even jealous of the pudding. My poor, sweet lovely Justin, how I miss you so! JUSSSSSSSSTINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!


December 22, 1848
An ox died. How anticlimactic.
We lost the trail for 2 days. Justin, without you to guide us, we're just a bunch of wandering fools. You were our trailblazer. Boy, is this embarrassing.

December 26, 1848
We shot 543 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. CaribOOOOO!
Kurt Response has a fever. He has to make it! Otherwise it'll be SOOOOO terrible. Well, maybe not so much. If Justin and Kurt met up in the Elysian Fields, Justin would be the happiest dead person around. But I'm sure Justin wants to help Kurt live as long and happy a life as possible before going on to the Elysian Fields.

December 27, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.

January 1, 1849
We lost 62 pounds of food due to spoilage.

January 3, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We have reached The Dalles. Justin, I still remember you! You must guide us down this river! What's that? Is it the river's current I hear, or is it Justin crying my name?
"Jaco, you've turned off your targeting computer. What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm all right." I will use the force of Justin's boundless love to guide me down the river, not some fancy-pants targetting computer. Targetting computer, schmargetting computer.
OK, everybody's gone to the bathroom and now we're ready to go. See you on the other side.


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