The Notorious Journey II

The Tragicomedy of Life on the Trail



Here's another take on the journey of Jaco Notorious, Kurt Response and the gang.

April 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:

I guess I'll start by introducing everyone. There's me, Jaco, regular average rugged trailblazing kinda guy. There's Justin, mild and virtuous, quiet and unasssssuming. Then there's Kurt. Kurt is just so... I can't describe it. He's golden. Like Apollo. Perfect. Divine. The type of guy that makes chicks faint and guys think maybe they should break it off with their girlfreinds. That was almost the effect he had on me at first. But Kurt's not interested in anyone but himself. He's certainly not interested in making friends with us. He's just along because he needs a trail guide (like rugged trailblazing me). I don't think he will get along with Justin, who wants everyone to be friends.
Also there's Daisy Chains. She's big and meanlooking, but she and Justin hit it off right away. She's like Justin's protector. Justin's nice but can't fight, and would be an easy target for bandits and cutpurses if it was not for Daisy.

And there's melvin rat.

April 3, 1848
We shot 153 pounds of meat. Rather, Daisy did. She's a whiz with submachine guns.

April 6, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. Kurt remains cold and unattached.

April 7, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across, except that Kurt almost tumbled in when he got too close to his reflection. Luckily Justin and Daisy caught him.
When we were trying to leave we had to pull Kurt away kicking and screaming. Later he thanked us.
We have decided not to buy him a mirror for his birthday as we had previously planned.

April 10, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. This time we've blindfolded Kurt.

April 11, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. We should be at Ft. Kearney in time for Kurt's birthday. Kurt is not as excited as the rest of us. He doesn't want to have a party, the spoilsport. He doesn't want to get to involved with us.
Today we learned that the reason he had to leave Indepedence was the mob of girls who wanted to date him. I certainly wouldn't run away from that! But he's just not interested.
We lost 4 pounds of food due to spoilage. It must be because Kurt is such a spoilsport.

April 14, 1848
We shot 295 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Daisy needs to work out. She can bench-press Justin but that's not much of a feat. I can do that. Justin is what you might call slight.

April 15, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We decided to rest by a grave which read, "Here lies Uncle Froggy, a fitting end to the great Frog."

April 17, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. Tomorrow is Kurt's birthday, but he insists we hit the road by then. Daisy isn't going to get anything for him, but I got him a half a piece of penny candy.

April 18, 1848
Justin got kurt a snake bracelet from the alchemists' shoppe. Kurt didn't put it on. He barely glanced at it and he certainly didn't say thank you. Later Daisy and I found Justin sniffling in a corner-- justin is very sensitive-- and Daisy went off in a rage.

April 20, 1848
We shot 193 pounds of meat.
We took the wrong trail and lost 4 days, which was very sh2pitt of us. Kurt is peeved. "This is inneffeiceint," he says. But nonetheless he must spend four extra days with us.
I guess Justin has a thing for golden boys. The reason I say that is justin seems to have a crush on Kurt. i don't see why. Kurt's mad good-looking but that's not all there is, y'know.

May 2, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. Spring is in the air. Ah spring, when a man's love turns to fancy. Justin Kaisse fancies Kurt Response.
We lost 14 pounds of food due to spoilage. Connection?

May 5, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. Justin beleives there is love in everyone, even Kurt. My mother told me never to pity anyone, but I pity Justin because no one will ever be able to tame Kurt.

May 11, 1848
We shot 175 pounds of meat.

May 15, 1848
Kurt Response has dysentery.

May 16, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days. None of us really likes Kurt that much except for Justin, who is mad concerned and is by kurt's bedside day and night. Kurt is unconscious and delirious which is I guess the best state for him to be in for justin, because he can't hurt Justin this way. I mean emotionally of course. He's cold and self-centered but not violent, unlike daisy who is violent but not cold and self-centered.

May 20, 1848
We shot 72 pounds of meat.

May 23, 1848
We decided to rest for 3 days.

May 25, 1848
Kurt Response is well again. This is a major reliefe for Justin, but of course Kurt is unresponsive and ingrateful for Justin's constant vigil and unconcerned about all the emotional trauma he caused. He mistreats Justin so much. It just makes me and Daisy mad.

May 28, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Kurt approached Justin with a couple of shiners. He said thank you but only because of Daisy's thrashing.
Bad water.
No grass for the oxen.

May 29, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We saw the grave of Splyt Infynyty, who died because his name had no vowels.

May 30, 1848
Daisy Chains has cholera. This is bad for all of us. Justin is concerned of course because they're good friends. Also I like Daisy. This is not bad for Kurt, but I'm not going to talk about him. I don't like him.
We have reached Independence Rock.

June 1, 1848
We shot 337 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We decided to rest for 6 days.

June 7, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.
We lost 11 pounds of food due to spoilage.
Saw the grave of Johnny Clement, toast of the town and lover of giants.

June 10, 1848
Daisy Chains is well again. I expected so. She's the toughest of all of us.

June 12, 1848
No water.

June 13, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. They say it's your birthday. It's my birthday too, yeah. They say it's your birthday. We're gonna have a good time. Justin got me a necklace with a pendant like James Gurley on the cover of Cheap Thrills. Daisy got me a pickaxe. Kurt didn't get me anything. Surprise, surprise.
No grass for the oxen.

June 14, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

June 16, 1848
No water.

June 17, 1848
We shot 328 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Bad water.

June 18, 1848
Bad water. Our health is VERY POOR, goddammit! Guess I better rest. Justin is so very frail.
We decided to rest for 6 days.
Daisy Chains is suffering from exhaustion. I told her not to work out so much when we don't have any good water, but she refused to listen.

June 26, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. This is because Daisy is out of commission. She's our #1 huntress.
We decided to rest for 6 days.

June 28, 1848
Daisy Chains is well again.
Melvin rat is tired of being ignored.

June 29, 1848
Melvin Rat is sick with typhoid fever. Tough beans!!!

July 2, 1848
We shot 213 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

July 4, 1848
We lost 17 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 5, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass. It's raining and everything is gloomy. Justin has been very depressed lately and unfortunately despite my efforts to raise morale everyone's been having a bit of a low time. And just when we thought things couldn't get worse, a mormon comes along and tells us about how he got frickin persecuted. Cant' he keep his troubles to his own damn self? Sure, I DID start the conversation, but still... The indian was the same way. He think white people are jerks. Well, Kurt's a jerk and he's golden.

July 6, 1848
An ox is sick.

July 7, 1848
We lost 10 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 10, 1848
Melvin Rat is well again. I must have mistaken him for an ox on June 6.
We took the wrong trail and lost 1 day.
Justin Kaisse is suffering from exhaustion. Poor justin! I knew little Justin couldn't handle a rough trip like this.

July 11, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We decided to rest for 7 days. Justin must recover.

July 13, 1848
We shot 231 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

July 20, 1848
Justin Kaisse is well again. We are all so happy! I can't wait to hit the trail, the warm wind on my face, Justin by my side... ahhh.

July 22, 1848
No water.

July 23, 1848
We shot 264 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Hm, what to eat for dinner? I feel like... let's see... ELK, maybe?!!!
Bad water.

July 24, 1848
No water.
We lost 24 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 25, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.
We decided to rest for 2 days. We all deserve it.

July 27, 1848
We lost 17 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 29, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost:
123 pounds of food
Jaco Notorious (drowned)
Kurt Response (drowned)
Justin Kaisse (drowned)
Daisy Chains (drowned)
Melvin Rat (drowned)

Interesting that Oregon trail chose to mention the 123 pounds of FOOD first.

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