JAKE THE BRAVE:
A Short but Sweet Journal
***


April 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:


April 2, 1848
We shot 315 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I am a hotshot ace pilot, which is why Kassandra chose ME to lead this journey. She is the reason we're all here. Spike, Mr. Masterful and I are all competing in a childish fight for her affections. Kilroy has no idea WHAT's going on. She doesn't speak the same language as us, literally. She has a kind of confused, primitive charm, actually. Like a cave girl snarfed out of her own time and kaplooned into ours. She dresses like the chicks in them Cavegirls from Mars flicks. She looks quite sweet and innocent, her expression I mean-- her costumes are quite, uh, yeah-- but whenever Spike or Mr. Masterful approach her, her leg shoots around and knocks them down. She likes me because I bring her food. She likes raw steaks. She also likes Kassandra because no-one's immune to Kassandra's wonderful vibes.

April 5, 1848
We shot 181 pounds of meat. I shot them deer down easily, with Kassandra hanging on my arm and Mr. Masterful and Spike looking on in disgust, contempt and envy HA HA HA!

April 6, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

April 8, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.
The river is too deep to ford. We lost:
6 oxen
3 sets of clothing
226 bullets
Spike (drowned)
Spike drowned! We are all in shock. So early! This is awful!
See? I AM sad for Spike, I'm grief-stricken, so I'm entitled to complain that Kassandra's amount of bawling and tears was a bit, shall we say, EXCESSIVE?!! I mean, sure, we're all sad, but really! It's not like they were married or anything (well golly gee, I hope not)! So she was slightly fond of him, but she didn't have to settle down in front of me on the ox I was riding and cry for six hours straight. My only consolation is that she looked to me for consolation and not Mr. Not So Masterful.

April 9, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

April 12, 1848
We shot 212 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 14, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing.

April 15, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Good, I was worried that Mr. Masterful would die and Kass would cry for three hours. (If I died she'd cry forever and a day, let me tell you that!)

April 19, 1848
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
1 set of clothing
34 bullets
2 wagon wheels
2 wagon tongues
1 plastic ant farm
4 ants
1 book on The Care and Keeping of Ants

We have reached Fort Kearney.
Who is right, me or Kass? I say, the expression is "Yippee-kai-ai-ay," and SHE says, it's "Yippee-oh-kai-ay." What is she smoking?!!

April 20, 1848
An ox is sick.

April 21, 1848
Broken wagon tongue.
We couldn't fix the wagon tongue, but we replaced it from supplies. Then I showed it to Kass and said, "See sugar? I fixed it up good as new!" "You're magic!" she gushed. "You even gave it a new paint job!"

April 30, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. I climbed it to impress Kass with my amazing brawn and the whole thing toppled over. As I lay in the rubble Kass rushed over and screamed, "Jake! Jake, talk to me, please say something!" I opened one eye. "Ooooooooops," I murmured. She laughed and kissed me and helped me up and we got on the road quick before the cops came.

May 1, 1848
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the wagon axle, but we replaced it from supplies. Kass caught me trying to trick her again and I had to tell her about the first time. She was mad at me but I made her some spicy Indian food and a diamond ring and promised my eternal soul to her and she forgave me.

May 4, 1848
We shot 3 pounds of meat. @#$%^&*!!!!
We are trying to teach Kilroy how to be a normal person. She already knows how to eat and sleep and breathe but we have to teach her about CULTURE. About literature and music and movies and myths and, even more simply, about love and life and pasta.

May 5, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We lost 20 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 6, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

May 7, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

May 9, 1848
We shot 2 pounds of meat.

May 10, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

May 11, 1848
We shot 68 pounds of meat.

May 12, 1848
We shot 1 pound of meat. By the gods!
We have reached Fort Laramie. I made the mistake of bringing Kilroy to a bar for her education in How to Interact with People. I asked all the bar patrons to teach her a different skill, so she would learn how to act in one of the most common situations: living in a bar. So she got taught how to down six pints of bitter in one gulp; how to be play pool; how to wheedle free drinks out of the bartender; and, failing that, how to steal money, drinks and various bits of valuable jewelry from the bartender. Then she learned how to hock that jewelry. She also learned how to smoke two cigars at once but she didn't like smoking as much as she liked drinking. She got drunk for the first time in her life. I didn't even know she knew the words to "Monkeys' Funeral"! Maybe one of the bar patrons taught it to her when my back was turned. I don't even know about half the things she learned.

May 13, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

May 15, 1848
We shot 53 pounds of meat.
Bad water.

May 17, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

May 19, 1848
No water.
Kilroy was lost for 5 days. Just like her! She wandered off to show off her newfound beer-drinking skills. I found her drinking and exchanging military anecdotes (another skill she learned, how to fake being a veteran) with some teenagers.

May 22, 1848
We lost 10 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 23, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

May 24, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We traded 6 dollars for 20 pounds of food.

May 26, 1848
We shot 129 pounds of meat.
An ox wandered off for 1 day.

May 27, 1848
No water.

May 28, 1848
We shot 29 pounds of meat. Take THAT, Bambi!
Bad water.

May 29, 1848
An ox wandered off for 3 days. *SIGH* What now? Moxie, the ox, is more trouble than he's worth. I found him the other day checking out a female hitched to another wagon. "Forget it" I told him flatly, taking him home.

June 1, 1848
We shot 26 pounds of meat.

June 3, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We lost 16 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 5, 1848
We shot 81 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

June 6, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

June 7, 1848
We shot 2 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

June 8, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

June 10, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

June 11, 1848
No water.

June 12, 1848
We shot 101 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

June 13, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

June 14, 1848
No water.

June 15, 1848
We shot 2 pounds of meat. Ooooooooo.
We lost 20 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 16, 1848
We shot 22 pounds of meat.

June 17, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. Kilroy is becoming addicted to that blue chalk you put on your pool cue. She likes to lick it right out of the pink paper. Some people find it disgusting and unsanitary, but most are too dazzled by her amazing fresh-and-new cavegirl innocence and skimpy costume to care what she does. She's a bit eccentric but you expect that from someone like her. Anyway, whenever we go to a landmark she eats blue chalk and then steals a bunch of cubes and stuffs them down her top so she has some for the road.
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 17 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 18, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
No grass for the oxen.

June 20, 1848
No water.

June 21, 1848
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
25 bullets
1 wagon tongue
No grass for the oxen.

June 22, 1848
We shot 336 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

June 24, 1848
An ox died. We will honor its memory.
Kassandra has a fever. My poor sweet Kassie! I will not let you go, my love!

June 25, 1848
We decided to rest for 7 days.
We lost 26 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 26, 1848
We lost 22 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 3, 1848
Kassandra is well again. Wooo-hoohoo! I was so glad to see her up and about, I swept her up and kissed her, and she smiled and said, "Put me down, Ace, you're making me lose touch with gravity." Whatever THAT means.
No water.

July 4, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass. Play that funky groove stuff! It is Independendendence Day. I was gonna set off my secret stash of fireworks but Kilroy got to it first.
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
36 bullets
2 wagon axles
We lost 11 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 5, 1848
We shot 297 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Love it!

July 6, 1848
An ox is sick. Aww, poor ox.

July 7, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We like to drink rum.

July 10, 1848
We shot 360 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

July 11, 1848
Kilroy got lost. Happily, we found Kilroy unharmed 2 days later. She's always getting lost, both literally and otherwise. She has no sense of direction. Kass and I are teaching her how to fight so that she can remain unharmed.

July 13, 1848
An ox died. We don't have very good ox luck, do we?
We have reached Fort Bridger, you know, the captain of SeaQuest? Kass got in good with Lt. O'Neil and got us tickets to a banquet that evening where we all got drunk on Shirley Temples, Kilroy ate tons of blue billiards chalk and Kass kept trying to prove how tough she was by running her tongue down the serrated bread knife. I kept saying, "Ohh, Kass, you're so tough, hey Kass, you're my main man, we're boyz right?"

July 15, 1848
We shot 191 pounds of meat.
An ox wandered off for 2 days.

July 16, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

July 18, 1848
Bad water.

July 19, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 53 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 21, 1848
Bad water.

July 22, 1848
Bad water.

July 24, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

July 27, 1848
Mr. Masterful was bitten by a snake. Aww, poor Mr. Masterful. He kept whining and moaning and asking us to rest, and I cried, "Live with it fatboy!" but Kass took pity on him (softy) and we decided to rest for 3 days.

July 29, 1848
Kassandra has the measles. This is terrible news, for me especially! I don't think Kilroy knows enough to be too grief-stricken but she is concerned. And Mr. Masterful gets more rest time, so he can't be too sad. But, I'm really worried for her!

July 30, 1848
We decided to rest for 7 days.

August 1, 1848
We shot 426 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

August 2, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

August 7, 1848
Mr. Masterful is well again. Who cares!

August 8, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days.

August 9, 1848
Kassandra is well again. Yippeee! I took her a-tangoin',

August 12, 1848
We lost 40 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 14, 1848
Bad water.
We lost 34 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 15, 1848
We shot 239 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We lost 49 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 16, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
No water.
This is boring. Kassie and I played Go Fish today. We explained the concept to Kilroy but she doesn't understand any game that doesn't involve either beer, billiards, money, or fighting. I'm sorry we started her education in a bar!

August 17, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
No grass for the oxen.
We lost 46 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 18, 1848
Bad water.

August 19, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

August 20, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
A thief stole 1 set of clothing. Ha ha, Mr. Masterful lost his leather and studs, now he's just a dork!

August 21, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

August 22, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.

August 23, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost:
60 bullets
Jake the Brave (drowned)
Kilroy (drowned)
Kassandra (drowned)
Mr. Masterful (drowned)