July 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:

Hello, young lovers, wherever you are. I hope your troubles are few. All of my blessings go with you tonight. I've been in love like you. I'm Marius, and I've been hired to bring Princess Donna, heir to the throne of the Triildean Empire, across to the sacred land of Oregon. With me are Gold Digger, a scheming, schooling schmoe with a scheme to school the Oregonese children at minimum wage, thereby cornering the market, then driving the price up. I also have 1 of 1, the loneliest borg you will ever find, and Corialis, who is not very adept at...

At what?

... living.

July 4, 1848

We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Mostly because Corialis didn't want us to shoot any poor little bunnies. She'll change her toon when we run out of food. She'll make there be five groups of four instead of four groups of five--never mind.

July 6, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. Princess Donna wants to hack across using machetes. Gold Digger wants to hack across using computers. I said it's a river you damned idiots!

July 7, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.

July 8, 1848
We shot 96 pounds of meat.
1of 1 has dysentery. He tried to assimilate some bacteria.
We saw a grave: Here lies Kel Frizzihair. I wish I'd lent him shampoo when I had the chance.

July 9, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days. 1 of 1 is delirious, saying "I've assimiliaeted species 4634! THE COMMON BACCILIUS BACTERIA!" I hadn't the heard to point out that it was the rusciulias bacteria.

July 12, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Goody goody gumdrops.

July 13, 1848
We lost 4 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 15, 1848
A severe storm caused a delay of 1 day. Courialis remains an enigma.

July 17, 1848
1of 1 is well again. Whoop-de-doo. I mean it!

July 18, 1848
We shot 78 pounds of meat. I only shoot what I need. This is to please Cour. However Princess Donna is rather steamed.

July 19, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. We caulk tomorrow.

July 20, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost:
50 bullets
Gold Digger (drowned)
Our Pride
We held a little funeral ceremony for Gold Digger. I think he would have liked it. And we're going to carry out his dream of cornering the education market and making it so only the very rich can afford the right to a good education, good job and good life.

July 22, 1848
Broken wagon tongue.
We couldn't fix the wagon tongue, but we replaced it from supplies. We have no more wagon tongues. Let's hope this one's a super taster.

July 25
We found a grave: Here lies uncle froggy. a fitting end to the great Frog.

July 26, 1848
We shot 95 pounds of meat. Our health is poor. Princess Donna says if we shoot one good hunk a buffalo, we can get it up to Fair. I am almost tempted. But that would mean Wastefulness!!

July 27, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. Lar lar lar.

July 28, 1848
Princess Donna has cholera.

July 29, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days. Of course. Princess Donna's the whole reason for this expedition. Even from her sickbed, Donna's rants ring throughout the wagon.
1of 1 has dysentery. Again. I've got to get that borg to stop trying to assimilate things which carry deadly diseases.

July 30, 1848
We decided to rest for 5 days.

July 31, 1848
We lost 3 pounds of food due to spoilage. Just what we need. I'm going to move 1 of 1 away from the food stores.

August 5, 1848
An Indian helped us find some food. Very nice of him, I must say.

August 6, 1848
We lost 1 pound of food due to spoilage.

August 7, 1848
Princess Donna is well again, which is a releif to all of us. She's somehow quieter now, more subdued than when she was sick. Weird huh!!

August 8, 1848
1of 1 is well again. We're all happy now. Let's go!!

August 10, 1848
We shot 121 pounds of meat. Our health is Very Poor. I think we should rest.
We decided to rest for 6 days. Our health is back down to Poor. Every day we walk with stronger step, we walk with longer step, the worst is over.

August 16, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Now our health is fair! I think it's time to start wondering who was it brought us here from the barricades!!!

August 20, 1848
We lost 2 pounds of food due to spoilage.

August 21, 1848
We shot 92 pounds of meat. Now we're going to rest for three days and see if we get up to Good health.
We decided to rest for 3 days.

August 26, 1848
Corialis has cholera. At least our health is Good now. Except for hers. We tend to her when we remember. She's so quiet it's easy to forget she exists.

August 27, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.

September 3, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Excellent.
We have reached Chimney Rock. We'll rest here since Whatsername's still sick.
We decided to rest for 5 days.

September 5, 1848
An Indian helped us find some food. Good, because we were clean out and we can't hunt at landmarks. I gave him my lucky rock, but I don't think he appreciated it as much as me since he threw it away as soon as he thought my back was turned. When he left I ran and rescued it.

September 6, 1848
Corialis is well again.
We lost 1 pound of food due to spoilage. We're out of food. However, our portions remain filling, you'll be glad to hear.

September 10, 1848
Bad water.

September 11, 1848
We shot 2 pounds of meat. Two pounds. Two FRICKIN pounds.
Princess Donna has dysentery. So I guess we'll have to rest. She's such a pain.

September 12, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 5 days.

September 13, 1848
Princess Donna died of typhoid. Princess Donna, what a loss, what a loss.
Through all my pain I can't help thinking maybe the load will be lighter, the trip somehow less annoying.
Damn it all, she was the most interesting, though. Now Gold Digger and Donna are dead, all that's left are Courialis and 1 of 1. I guess I'll have to try and cultivate relationships with them now *SIGH*

September 18, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
1of 1 is sick with typhoid fever. I slapped him up with some petroleum jelly. He's gonna live forever. He's gonna learn how to fly. Light up his name in the sky, all that jazz.

September 19, 1848
Corialis has dysentery. She's very frail. I don't know if she'll make this one. She said goodbye to me, but I was like don't ever say goodbye before a mission. It's too sad.

September 20, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie.
We decided to rest for 6 days.

September 21, 1848
Corialis died of measles. Poor thing. It's very lonely now but it's not like it wasn't before. I mean she was kind of boring. We held a nice little funeral though, I think she... um... wait, what DID we do that for, anyway? What am I saying? I can't remember what I was talking about.

September 28, 1848
1of 1 died of measles. It's not like he didn't have it coming, with all his fancypants assimilating. It's just me now. What a drag.

September 29, 1848
I found some wild fruit. Yaaaay!

October 1, 1848
No water. Boooo.

October 2, 1848
I lost the trail for 5 days. What kind of a dufus am I?

October 5, 1848
I shot 97 pounds of meat. I guess I'm not TOO much of a doofus.
I decided to rest for 5 days. I want good health dammit!

October 10, 1848
I am sick with typhoid fever, yet my health is good. They can't be excluding me from the count because I'm sick. I'm the only one. I'm sick with good health. What kind of bizarre paradox world is this!

October 11, 1848
I decided to rest for 5 days. Lum de doo la da. I'm resting resting resting. Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

October 19, 1848
I am well again. Yippeee! Now I can jump and play and-- oh wait. Time to get back on the trail. Awww.
Bad water.
I took the wrong trail and lost 3 days. Silly me!

October 20, 1848
I didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! I returned to the wagon empty-handed.

October 24, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Oh no!! Time is skipping days! It's a Mysterious TIME FOG!!!!!

October 26, 1848
No grass for the oxen. Oxen schmoxen! What about ME?

November 1, 1848
Saw the grave of Splyt Infynyty, unfortunately, his name had no vowels.

November 2, 1848
I have reached Independence Rock. I am Independent of my annoying sidekicks. However this leaves me somewhat without purpose. I guess I'll just have to corner to education market by myself :-(

November 3, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
A fire in my wagon destroyed:
130 bullets
that little magnetic fishing game
Gorshdarnit!!!! I knew I shouldn't have made an incense holder out of a pile of dry grass and old newspapers and oily rags with gasoline to hold it all together.

November 8, 1848
I shot 127 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 100 pounds of meat by myself. Oh right. Shucks.

November 9, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

November 11, 1848
I have arrived at the South Pass.
I traded 2 sets of clothing for 1 ox.
I traded 3 sets of clothing for 1 ox.
I traded 2 sets of clothing for 1 ox.
This is perfect! I only need two sets of clothing, and having lots of oxen will make my trip go faster. I love this!
I traded 2 sets of clothing for 1 ox.
Wait, I only have one set of clothing now. Well I'll just trade some more!
I traded 86 pounds of food for 1 set of clothing.
I can always get more food.

November 13, 1848
I shot 196 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 100 pounds of meat by myself. I bet that trader's kicking himself.

November 16, 1848
Bad water.

November 17, 1848
Bad water. You know what? I want to go real fast, and I don't care, so here.
I will now travel at a more strenuous pace.
A fire in my wagon destroyed:
1 set of clothing
110 bullets
Schnap!

November 18, 1848
Bad water.

November 19, 1848
No water.
I have arrived at the Green River Crossing. Here's some water!!
I decided to rest for 4 days. My health's back up to poor. I'll cross the river then rest some more.

November 25, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost:
15 bullets
1 wagon axle
8 pounds of food
Marius (drowned)