The Many Tragedies of Scheherezade (brace yourself)


April 1, 1848
We started down the trail with:

I am Scheherezade II (or "Junior"), the Princess of Persia, and my companions are fellow Persian
prisoners, including my childhood friend Flash Gordium. We were captured by the evil Missourans and
held in their ironically named capital city, "Independence." However, we have escaped! We hope to make
it to the Freelands of Oregon, where we can come out of hiding and contact Persian officials who will then
come pick us up. We were given our supplies by Matt, a Persian spy posing as a kindly general store
owner.
When I was a little princess, my father used to take me on business trips to Oregon. It was wonderful, a
bustling city filled with lights and magic. I hope it is the same beautiful, friendly city as it was when I
was a child.


April 3, 1848
We shot 157 pounds of meat. I love my throwing knives, they are the best for hunting. However
my very favorite knife is the one with the carved ivory handle, with Amazon carved on it.
I found it when I was a little girl, on one of my father's trips to Oregon. I saw a beautiful flowery tree on
the other side of a wall, and when my father wasn't looking I ran over and climbed the wall. On the other
side I found a beautiful garden. In it was a strong, tall woman with blond hair and leather armor. I
expected her to yell and chase me out of her garden, but when she saw me she smiled and told me that her
name was Hudson Leick. She told me exciting stories of her days on the Oregon Trail, and of her brave,
bold and beautiful friend, Amazon Queen. She told me of the pathetic loser, Dave Matthews, and his dog,
Mr. Fancypants. She introduced me to her current best friend and business partner (they are a two-man
army), the former lover of Amazon Queen, Eagle Thropman.
I spent the day with her, listening to her stories, eating her food, helping her in her garden. She showed
me the knife given to her by Amazon Queen, with a carved ivory handle. She showed me how to throw a
knife. She started my interest in knives.
Later, my father, frantic with worry, had soldiers storm Hudson's homestead looking for me. Surprised to
learn that I was a princess, Hudson offered me her knife as a gift. I turned it down, saying that she needed
something to remember Amazon by, but she insisted. It is now my most prized possession. I always
dreamed that one day, I would be an Oregon Trail hero like Hudson. Now is my chance. I will (try) not
(to) blow it!

April 4, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
#@*%*^!!!!

April 5, 1848
We shot 397 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 8, 1848
We shot 400 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 9, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.

April 10, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.

April 12, 1848
We shot 297 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. It was the way a
hunting trip should be. You go out, you do your thing, you come back, no trouble. If this keeps up we will
be rolling in meat!

April 13, 1848
We lost 61 pounds of food due to spoilage.

April 15, 1848
We shot 375 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing.

April 16, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across.

April 20, 1848
Auntie Och has a broken arm. Serves her right for trying to make the Princess of Persia eat her
vegetables! I was so sick of boiled carrots I threw her across the room.
We have reached Fort Kearney.

April 21, 1848
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. We don't have snow in Persia. It was wonderful playing out in it. We
all built Snow Forts but mine was on a snow embankment, so I could throw things down at people which
was easier than throwing stuff up at people (you have to gag yourself with a spoon to do that), and I could
tunnel down into a little snowball shelter and use the snow I tunnelled out to make more Snowballs. It was
great fun for me because I am a wonderfully kickass Military Genius!

April 23, 1848
We shot 231 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I used up a
whole box of bullets, I guess I got a bit carried away. But I blasted deer like no tomorrow baby!

April 25, 1848
We shot 374 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I got a buffalo!
Suddenly Susa has a broken leg. It wasn't ME, it was Flash Gordium that broke it this time. Flash
is my Buddy, but Auntie Och thinks she can order around the Princess of Persia just `cause she's older
than me, and don't even get me started on Suddenly Susa! I don't have much quarrel with Clara Bacta,
how can you? She's a medic, angel of the battlefield on which Flash and I fight with Susa and Auntie.

April 27, 1848
We shot 519 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. This was some
swelling buffalo.

April 28, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
A thief stole 95 bullets. #@%$&!!!

May 3, 1848
We shot 158 pounds of meat.
We lost 123 pounds of food due to spoilage.

May 9, 1848
We shot 433 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. That buffalo
(may he rest in peace in my nummy little tummy) must've had some healthy appetite, lemme tellya!
Auntie Och said I was crude and unladylike, childish and temperamental, impulsive and unrestrained,
boisterous and loud, careless and sloppy, unrefined and uncivilized, tasteless and totally devoid of class,
and not fit to be around civil people let alone rule Persia. I socked her one, drop kicked her in the nose,
and stole her wallet. (I would've done more, but I felt sorry for her because her arm is still in that cast
which only has three signatures, Susa's Clara's and her own.)

May 10, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock. I said, "Let's incinerate Suddenly Susa," but Clara explained
gently that it wasn't a REAL chimney. What a rip-off! I feel gypped, swindled, and used.

May 12, 1848
We shot 170 pounds of meat. Pretty impressive, seeing as how all I had to work with were scrawny
whitetail deer and SQUIRRELS (nuff said).

May 14, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. The Thermometer says it's "cool." It's mid-May in the midwest! Purrrrrdy
funky!

May 16, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

May 19, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Why do I
even bother? All I saw was BUNNIES, DUCKS and SQUIRRELS but I used up 14 bullets!
We have reached Fort Laramie.

May 21, 1848
Auntie Och is well again. I expect her to try for revenge any day now.
We took the wrong trail and lost 1 day. I refuse to take responsibility. I may be crude and
unladylike but I'm not stupid!

May 23, 1848
Suddenly Susa is well again. Clara requested that I not hurt them as much, but I said, "Hey, that
was Flash, not me."

May 25, 1848
We shot 86 pounds of meat. My advice to them Whitetails is, get more mass, maybe then you can
gang up on gunslingin' murdererous deericidal maniacs like me.
We lost the trail for 2 days. Correction: THEY lost the trail for 2 days. Had I been in charge, I
would have handled it MUCH better.

May 30, 1848
We shot 66 pounds of meat. Last time 3 Whitetails weighed 86! These guys are gonna waste
away! I'm getting concerned for their health! What is this some kind of freaky, whacked-out FAMINE `r
somthin'? Jeeeez!

June 1, 1848
We lost 122 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 2, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.

June 5, 1848
We shot 72 pounds of meat. Ch-ching! Take that, Mr. "I'm So Slender and Slim" Anorexi-
freakin-rexic Whitetail Deer!

June 6, 1848
Flash Gordium has a broken arm. Suddenly Susa broke it. I think she was just trying to use Flash
to get to me. Well, you can do what you like with me but hurting Flash just isn't FAIR! I made Clara
Bactra get right to work.
We decided to rest for 4 days to aid the healing process and take some pressure of Flash. Also, I
need to plan my revenge on Susa.

June 11, 1848
We found some wild fruit. Oh, joyous day! I put some cyanide in it and offered it to Susa, but
Clara smelled bitter almonds and warned Susa against taking anything I offered her. Cursing, I buried the
fruit where no innocent person would ever find it and die: in a pile of dirty socks I left by the side of the
road.

June 13, 1848
We shot 48 pounds of meat.

June 15, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. I scratched "SUSA SUX." Now she will want revenge more
than ever.

June 17, 1848
No grass for the oxen.

June 18, 1848
Bad water.

June 20, 1848
We shot 351 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. ELK BABY!
No grass for the oxen.
Suddenly Susa has cholera.

June 21, 1848
No water.

June 22, 1848
We decided to rest for 4 days, Clara Bactra' request.
It's my birthday. Susa is purposely snubbing me, which I actually prefer to what snooty Auntie
Och did which is give me a book called "Manners for Dummies." However I have carved it out and made
quite a nice little box in which to keep my pet ants, Rupee, Twig, Flora, and Dameon. Clara Bactra gave
me a new hunting cloak which she made me and a buffalostalker cap. I'm gonna shoot me a pheasant and
put feathers in my hat. Flash, my Main Man, my Buddy, my Comrade, my Cronie, my Close Ally, gave
me a new knife for my knife collection. It's a wonderful Viking model, cuts through a dime! "Oh Flash,
how did you know!" I gushed. Flash'n'I are Boyz.
We lost 115 pounds of food due to spoilage.

June 25, 1848
We shot 247 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

June 27, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 5 days. Clara wants to save Susa, for someodd reason. Besides, Flash still
has a broken arm.

June 29, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

July 1, 1848
Suddenly Susa is well again. Worse luck. Oh well, now I can keep trying to kill her and not feel so
much like scum.

July 4, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. Now that he's feeling better he gave me my Birthday Hits. I STILL
ache!
Bad water.
Flash Gordium was bitten by a snake. Darn! I KNEW hiding it in the box of donuts was too risky!
I just had to take the risk that Susa might not be the first to open it. But, I never meant to hurt you, Flash
my good buddy!
We decided to rest for 9 days. Even Clara thinks that's a bit excessive, but nothing's too much for
my buddy Flash!

July 7, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

July 13, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. What a load of my mind! Susa is wont to tease me and say that I am
madly in love with Flash but it's not true, so I am wont to throw Susa across the room.
We lost 96 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 15, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We lost 83 pounds of food due to spoilage.

July 16, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

July 17, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

July 18, 1848
We shot 1 pound of meat. AAAAARRGHHHH! I'm so frustrated!!!!!
No grass for the oxen.

July 19, 1848
We have arrived at the South Pass.

July 20, 1848
We shot 341 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. I love elk like
brothers. ... Not that I like to eat my brothers...
Susa and I got into a bit of a scuffle today. She called me a stupid and ignorant grunting henchmen. I
called her a friendless and pathetic little loser. Just another day for us CRAZY peoples.

July 21, 1848
We shot 256 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We took the wrong trail and lost 3 days. I will beat Susa senseless for that little slip up!

July 26, 1848
We shot 254 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.
Flash Gordium was bitten by a snake. I have got to warn him when I put snakes in places! It's just
that sometimes I forget myself! The only reason why I haven't been bit by one of my own snakes is, I tame
them only to attack people who aren't me. I shall have to train them to attack people who aren't me OR
Flash.
We lost 122 pounds of food due to spoilage.
We decided to rest for 9 days.

July 31, 1848
We shot 338 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

August 6, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. We are both glad. As is Clara. Susa has too many bruises to tease me
anymore. However I've noticed she doesn't do too much Flash-teasing anymore. She's getting rusty.

August 7, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
A thief stole 1 set of clothing. I don't mind, it was only Susa's slinky party dress and mary janes.
Overlooking the fact that it I don't mind if things get stolen no matter what they are if they're Susa's, I
don't like her to wear anything she looks remotely good in anyway. Luckily, the theif left her her purple
velvet bell bottoms that go out ten feet and her yellow, orange and green striped shirt and see-through red
polka-dot trench coat to wear on top and her Hell Copter beanie with the comical arrow through the top.

August 8, 1848
Bad water.

August 9, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Suddenly Susa has dysentery.

August 10, 1848
We decided to rest for 7 days. It was Clara's idea, of course.

August 12, 1848
We shot 377 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

August 16, 1848
We shot 302 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

August 17, 1848
We found some WIIIILD fruit.

August 18, 1848
Suddenly Susa is well again. Well, it makes Clara happy to save people. I guess there's something
in that.

August 22, 1848
Bad water.

August 23, 1848
Bad water. Imported from Woonsocket.

August 26, 1848
We shot 176 pounds of meat.

August 27, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing.

August 28, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. I tried to drown Susa but, no luck.

August 29, 1848
No grass for the oxen.
Suddenly Susa has a fever.

August 30, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We decided to rest for 6 days. Clara is busy. She's pretty happy, actually. Well, I'm glad for her.

September 6, 1848
No water.

September 7, 1848
We shot 209 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Clara Bactra has a broken arm.
No grass for the oxen.
We decided to rest for 5 days.

September 8, 1848
Suddenly Susa is well again.

September 12, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
A thief stole 66 bullets. We tried to hunt him down and kill him, but we couldn't find him. Even
my bloodhound ant, Flubur, couldn't track him farther than the Old Spam Road.

September 15, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

September 16, 1848
We shot 237 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
A fellow traveller, Miles "Wild Child" Hendricks, has asked Susa to a party. She wanted to borrow a party
dress since the theif stole hers, but even if I did have one I wouldn't let her get within fity feet of it. All
Auntie Och has is yukky plus-sized granny dresses. Finally Clara Bactra lent her a simple navy blue dress.
It was very modest and nothing like the dress Susa had, the one that was stolen. However it was the only
thing Susa could get her hands on. She did accuse me of having hordes of fancy-pants clothes, my being a
princess and all, but actually that's far from true.
We lost 158 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 17, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Susa came home this morning saying that Clara's dress had sent off "all wrong vibes" and that all the
people at the party though she was "a bit of dainty English schoolgirl fluff" like Clara. "You ungrateful
wretch!" I shrieked, along with several obscenities. "Clara's saved your worthless hide countless times,
and all you can do is call her names!" "Please," Clara said gently, "It's OK. I really don't mind. You don't
have to do this," she told me. "I want to," I insisted, rolling back my sleeve and grinning. "Ohhh, this is
gonna be sweet." I socked Susa one and began beating her relentlessly, crying, "What has Clara done for
you lately? Just saved you from certain death at my able hands!" It was great fun!
Flash Gordium has the measles. I got Clara to work right away.

September 18, 1848
We decided to rest for 8 days. I've chained and manacled Susa and Auntie Och so they don't
hinder Flash's recovery.

September 22, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

September 23, 1848
We found some wild fruit.

September 24, 1848
We lost 133 pounds of food due to spoilage.

September 27, 1848
We shot 46 pounds of meat.

September 28, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. He has been asked to Celinda Hines' party. He's gonna wear his
leather and studs. Celinda is married but enjoys flirting with Flash, Miles, and others. However Flash is
above such trifles. When Celinda asked who he was taking to her party, Flash realized that the only way
to stop her incessent bugging him was to take a date. "Scheherezade," he replied. "You and her--"
Celinda began. Without waiting to hear what she was going to say or even attempting to imagine what she
was getting at he replied, "Yeah." Celinda looked taken aback. "Oh," she said sullenly. "I see." She left
abruptly.
Later, when he told me what he'd done, I slapped him across the face but when he explained that the only
way to get Celinda off his back was for me to come with him to the party and preferably act like there was
some sort of love-thing going on between us, I agreed to go with him but only if he would help me in my
neverending quest to kill Susa without hurting Clara's feelings too much. He agreed promptly.

October 1, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Do you want to hear what that scumbag Celinda Hines put me through last night? I was chatting with this
girl Arienne, and Flash came over saying that Celinda said she didn't believe that Flash and I were as
close as Flash let her believe and that Flash was just making it up to impress her. "She wants proof,"
Flash explained. "Forget it," I said flatly. Flash sniffled pitifully a few times. A tear rolled down his
cheek. "Oh, fine." I sighed. As we kissed passsionately while Celinda watched bug-eyedly, Arienne tapped
me on the shoulder and said, "Has it ever occured to you that this character is making that whole story up
to get you to kiss him?" That hadn't occured to me. I didn't think Flash would do something like that. But,
what if he was telling the truth? I smiled at Flash and said, "Let's go outside... away from all these
people." Celinda watched us like a hawk as we strolled outside. Once there, I gave Flash a sound beating
while he moaned, "I was telling the truth!" "Tell it to the judge!" I shrieked. Arienne came out about ten
minutes later to cheer me on.
We lost 115 pounds of food due to spoilage.


October 3, 1848
We shot 345 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Arienne and I went to a FASCINATING lecture on time paradoxes last night. Flash thinks she's
corrupting my mind. However, I'm not speaking to Flash until October 12. I'm gonna teach him a lesson!
Bad water.
Clara Bactra has a broken arm.
We decided to rest for 6 days.

October 8, 1848
We shot 340 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
A thief stole 6 oxen. I hunted him down and broke his little legs, but he'd already sold my oxen.
ARRRRRRGH! Arienne says, it's because all men are corrupt. I say, So are women, look at Susa! Look at
ME, fergyadsake! I'm pretty corrupt myself. Arienne says, "Oh Schaz, don't say that. You're not corrupt,
not like Susa!" It's comforting to hear that.

October 11, 1848
We traded 292 pounds of food for 2 oxen.

October 13, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
I am on speaking terms with Flash as of yesterday. Arienne had almost convinced me that he didn't
deserve it, when he surprised me with a new knife for my collection. A pretty one, too, with gems in the
hilt! I forgave him.
We lost the trail for 4 days. I knew I shouldn't have let Flora the Ant navigate!
Flash Gordium is suffering from exhaustion.

October 14, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days.

October 22, 1848
We lost 105 pounds of food due to spoilage.

October 24, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
When Arienne heard that Flash wasn't feeling very well, she felt sorry because she has not been all that
civil to Flash. She gave him a box of chocolate as a peace offering.
Bad water.

October 25, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. Arienne, Clara, Flash and I are all glad to hear it.
No water.

October 26, 1848
We shot 21 pounds of meat.
We decided to rest for 6 days. I am outraged to learn that our health is POOR!

October 27, 1848
We shot 315 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

October 30, 1848
We shot 51 pounds of meat.

October 31, 1848
Clara Bactra died of dysentery. WHAT!!! She never got no DYSENTERY! She was so sweet an
innocent, too! What will Susa do when she gets sick now? If she leaves it up to me, I will kill her for sure!
*SIGH* Perhaps I will remember to honor Clara's memory by letting her rest, but I don't know if I trust
myself! Who's gonna be our "angel of the battlefield" now, huh? More importantly, I miss that sweet,
gentle girl Susa once called "English schoolgirl fluff." Although slightly offensive, that was a fairly
accurate term. I invited over Arienne, in all her bold, brazen and beautiful, feisty, firey and feminist glory.
She connected to Clara. Everyone did. Clara was the only member of our group who everyone could be
friends with, the only thing we had in common, the only thing keeping us from slitting each other's
throats. We're in a state of total anarchy now, unless Arienne does something. She's well-educated and
civil enough for Auntie, I like her, Flash and Susa have no quarrel with her, so I figure she's the best
candidate to take Clara's place. Not that Clara can ever be replaced, but, well, I'm hoping you know what I
mean. See, the thing about Arienne is, she has social skills. She's sugary and social to everyone, but she
makes fun of people she doesn't like behind their backs. So everyone likes her, but she only likes certain
people. Me, for instance. She likes me. She's still a bit wary of Flash, what with her prejudice against
men, but she knows I'd knock her block off if she made fun of him. She shares my contempt for Susa. She
thinks Auntie is snooty but she doesn't have as much of a quarrel with her as I do.
Anyway, all I'm saying is that I miss Clara. We all do. She was the only one of us who was actually a
worthwhile person. Of all the people in our group, the person who most deserved to live died. Isn't that
ironic? She was like an angel. She was so kind and gentle and sweet and nice. She had no faults, no
important ones anyway. Everyone loved her. Yet she died, and who lived? A collection of lowlife
conniving misfits. There's Susa, a whiny pathetic loser; Auntie, a conservative snob; Flash, who is, as far
as I'm concerned, a lying, cheating swindler and pig (heck, he's my buddy anyway); and me, a hot-
tempered low-class hard-hitting gun-slinging knife-collecting conscience-deficient grace-devoid ignorant
murderous self-centered conceited traitorous foolish bastard (good, I've filled up my being-hard-on-myself
quota for a long time to come, I can give myself the praise I deserve now). What will become of us without
sweet little Clara keeping us from going over the edge?

November 2, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

November 4, 1848
No water.

November 5, 1848
We took the wrong trail and lost 4 days.

November 7, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

November 9, 1848
We shot 265 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

November 12, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
Auntie Och has dysentery. It's her own fault.

November 13, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
We decided to rest for 5 days. It's what Clara would have done.

November 16, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Celinda
Hines and Miles Hendricks have teamed up with some other travellers and started a mini-carnival.
Arienne and I went to that. We're also going to the Ice-Cream Social on November 20.

November 18, 1848
Auntie Och got sick and died. What is this Death City USA! It's not like anyone really cares much
about Auntie Och, but we feel guilty about not caring. I guess that shows we're not COMPLETELY evil.
Speaking of the USofA, I don't think I want to go back to Persia and be a princess. I enjoy being a
frontiersman. Also, all the other travellers' tales of how wonderful Willamette Valley is has made me want
to live there, too. Flash says he's going to stay in Willamette Valley and have a little house in a Utopian
farming community where everyone is very close and friendly and they practice Communism and worship
the Seven Goddesses of Minh. I say, Sounds a hell of a lot better than living in some fancy-pants palace
with servants waiting on you hand and foot and having to decide what's good for a country else they'll
abdicate you and banish you from the land, if they don't execute you first. When Arienne heard Flash's
plan she was very excited and said, "Oh, Schaz, please do it, then you won't have to go away to Persia
after all! There's no chance you'd get executed by angry mobs in Willamette Valley, and best of all, we'd
never have to be apart!" She has convinced me. I don't want to leave Arienne, or Flash either for that
matter.
Now that I know what I'm going to do with my life, I'm so happy! Arienne, Flash and I are going to be
roommates (you know how expensive those urban flats are) and we're going to have the best time!

November 19, 1848
We shot 443 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

November 22, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

November 24, 1848
We traded 202 pounds of food for 2 oxen.

November 26, 1848
We shot 157 pounds of meat.

November 27, 1848
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the wagon axle, but we replaced it from supplies.
Flash Gordium is suffering from exhaustion.

November 28, 1848
We decided to rest for 6 days. We've just been so excited about our new plan the last few days, we
never realized how overexcited we were. Flash didn't want us to rest, he insisted that he was just a little
dizzy, but when he keeled over we decided to take it easy for awhile. (Boy, is his face red.)

December 5, 1848
No water.

December 7, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We traded 20 pounds of food for 40 bullets.
We traded 30 pounds of food for 40 bullets.
We traded 9 dollars for 40 bullets.

December 8, 1848
We shot 155 pounds of meat.

December 9, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. We can now tease him without feeling too guilty.
Dust storm. Lost 1 day.
Suddenly Susa feels left out. Arienne felt sorry for her and told her that she could come to our Utopian
community, but Susa screamed that we were all insane and that she was going back to Persia. Hey,
whatever floats your boat, right?

December 10, 1848
We have reached Soda Springs. We had just arrived when Arienne noticed this big, burly guy clad
entirely in pure gold. "Oh no," she murmured. "Quick, hide me!"
"Huh?" I asked.
She shook her head. "Too late. He recognized me."
The guy advanced toward us. "Arienne," he said. "Never thought I'd see you again. Let me guess... you've
killed another of my siblings."
"Jared, you know very well that the only sibling you had left was your long-lost sister. And I didn't kill the
first two... they just died while I was around, was all."
The guy, Jared, looked at me and Flash. "You better not get mixed up with Arienne," he advised us. "She
kills everyone she loves."
"For the last time," Arienne replied moodily, "I don't kill. I'm just... bad luck, I guess."
"I used to have a brother and a sister, Arienne... now there's just me and Sherry, wherever she may be."
Jared wiped a tear from his eye. "My dear baby sister... stolen from Independence, Missouri by the
Persians when she was just two..." He sniffled. "She was such a beautiful little girl... her dark hair, about
the same color as yours, Miss--" he nodded at me. "And eyes, the same color as yours too. Say... what's
that on your shoulder?"
"Huh? Oh, just a birthmark. I've had it forever."
Suddenly Jared embraced me. "My sister, my dear sister!" he cried, weeping.
When all that business was over with, Jared turned to Arienne. "You're not getting involved with my last
remaining sibling, are you?"
"Well..."
"No!" Jared grabbed my arm. "You can't have her! You'll kill her!"
I pulled away. "Relax! I can take care of myself. I don't care if Arienne is bad luck, if I want to hang
around with her I will."
Arienne smiled. "Thanks, Schaz. I'm glad you feel that way."
Jared shook his head. "Fine, but I was going to leave my whole vast fortune to my long-lost sister. But I've
changed my mind... unless you keep away from Arienne."
"Never!" I put an arm around Arienne. "She and I are like THIS."
"Fine, if that's how you feel. But when you die, I'll be dancing on your grave, mark my words!"
"I hope you fall down a well, you miserable loser!"
"Schaz!" Arienne admonished. "Be nice to him, he's my ex-ex-ex-brother-in-law."
"Soooorryyyyy," I replied.
Suddenly Susa is sick with typhoid fever.

December 11, 1848
No water.
We decided to rest for 6 days.

December 12, 1848
Flash Gordium has cholera! He MUST pull through, he MUST... we have to get to that Utopia of
ours, that golden palace of wonder and delight. We can't do it without him!

December 13, 1848
We decided to rest for 8 days.

December 17, 1848
We shot 286 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

December 20, 1848
Suddenly Susa is well again. Well that's all well and good for her but what about Flash?

December 23, 1848
Flash Gordium is well again. Woo-hoo-hoooo!

December 24, 1848
We shot 79 pounds of meat.

December 29, 1848
Bad water.

December 30, 1848
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
No grass for the oxen.

January 1, 1849
We shot 28 pounds of meat.
Miles Hendricks is a bastard! After Celinda Hines' party, everyone's been under the impression that Flash
and I are madly in love. However Miles has never respected Flash, he thinks Flash is a sissy. He also
thinks I am too unladelylike. So he as he was leaving for California he said to me, "Write me, you or the
Missus, as soon as you reach Oregon," then dashed away before I could smash his skull into a brick wall
like I wanted to. I don't mind the insinuation that I have a wife, but I do mind the insinuation that Flash is
a girl. He's not! He's a macho man (like me)!
Bad water.
No grass for the oxen.

January 2, 1849
We shot 59 pounds of meat.

January 3, 1849
No water.

January 4, 1849
We shot 231 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

January 5, 1849
We have reached Fort Hall. Rebecca Sims is a sneaky little trickster. She wants us to believe that
Miles is her cousin. I'm not falling for THAT old trick, I used to pull the same one with Flash when I was
a little kid in Persia. (Flash and I go way back, REMEMBER?)

January 7, 1849
A blizzard delayed us 1 day. We went out and played in the snow like we did that time way at the
beginning. Arienne, Flash, Susa and I all made Snow Forts. After Susa got barraged with snowballs from
all of us, she went in the wagon to change into dry clothes and have a snack. Arienne and I fought with
Flash for awhile, but--
MAY I WRITE?
Sure Flash.
AFTER AN HOUR WENT BY AND I HADN'T HEARD FROM EITHER OF THEM, I WENT TO
INVESTIGATE. WHEN I LEFT MY FORT NO ONE AMBUSHED ME, SO I KEPT ON. THERE WAS
NO ONE IN ARIENNE'S FORT. I WENT TO SCHAZ'S AND SHE'D DUG ANOTHER TUNNEL. I
COULDN'T SEE INSIDE BUT I FIGURED THEY'D GONE IN AND LEFT ME OUT ALONE AND
WHEN I WENT IN THEY'D BE THERE DRINKING COCOA AND SAYING `HA HA, JOKE'S ON
YOU.' SO I WENT IN, AND ONLY SUSA WAS THERE, BUT SHE MADE ME SOME COCOA AND
WE HAD A CHAT. YOU KNOW, SHE'S REALLY BECOME A MATURE PERSON SINCE WE
STARTED. WE MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT, HUH SCHAZ. ANYWAY, I'M STILL
WONDERING-- WHERE WERE YOU TWO?
Oh... nowhere... heh heh heh...

January 10, 1849
We shot 272 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Flash is
bugging me nonstop. The fact that Arienne and I have a secret and we won't tell him is driving him crazy.
I see Flash's point, though. Susa isn't the childish brat she was when we first met her. She is now a lot
more generous and likeable, although she's still kind of shallow. Ah well, can't win `em all.

January 11, 1849
We shot 322 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
No grass for the oxen.

January 12, 1849
No grass for the oxen. The snow is still out. We made a Snow Family. We are a rather odd bunch:
Flash, Susa, Arienne, and me. We are a loverly bunch of cocoanuts.
Big Louie, a fellow traveller, is throwing a big party so that we'll have some pleasant memories of those
who don't make it across the Snake River. He calls it the "Big Louie All-Night Starlit Crazy Ballroom Ha
Cha Cha Dance-Mania Disco Bonanza." You can only go if you have a date. Susa has all these half-witted
suitors wrapped around her little finger, so she's got no problem finding a date. I was going to take
Arienne but Flash looked so sad that he wasn't going to be able to go, Arienne told me to take him instead.
But it won't be any fun without Arienne! I've decided to take both of them.

January 14, 1849
No grass for the oxen.

January 18, 1849
We shot 422 pounds of meat but we were able to fit only 181 pounds of meat in our wagon.

January 20, 1849
Bad water. Troopers like us, however, aren't too picky about the quality of our water, as long as
the beer is cold, the chicks are hot, the... oh, never mind.

January 23, 1849
We shot 272 pounds of meat but we were able to fit only 45 pounds of meat in our wagon.
No grass for the oxen.
Suddenly Susa has the measles.
We decided to rest for 7 days.

January 29, 1849
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
63 bullets
1 wagon wheel
1 wagon tongue
1624 pounds of food
outdated newspapers
This is terrible! Flash was saving those newspapers to make a hat.
The fire started because Susa dropped a lit match and went out to pick flowers. When the smouldering
floorboards reached the puddle of gasoline we were using to tell our fortunes and the wagon burst into
flames, we all looked at Susa. All she said was, "Ooooooooooops."

January 30, 1849
We traded 7 dollars for 20 bullets.
We traded 6 pounds of food for 10 bullets.
We traded 3 dollars for 10 bullets.
We traded our souls for a fortune cookie.

January 31, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

February 2, 1849
We shot 22 pounds of meat.

February 3, 1849
Suddenly Susa is well again.
A blizzard delayed us 1 day.
Flash Gordium has the measles.

February 4, 1849
We decided to rest for 6 days.

February 8, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

February 10, 1849
We shot 227 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Susa is out at all hours with her little friends, so it's only me and Arienne to tend to Flash. He was asleep
today and we had a rare moment alone. Unfortunately the stress is getting to both of us and before we
knew it Flash was yelling at us to keep our lovers' spat down, he was trying to sleep fergyadsake!

February 12, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

February 13, 1849
Flash Gordium is well again. I think he was exaggerating a bit actually.

February 15, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

February 19, 1849
We shot 237 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the broken wagon axle. We will have to trade for one.
We traded 59 pounds of food for 1 wagon axle.

February 20, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
I been thinking about this trip. I won't make it home, but I really don't care. I wanted the highway, I'm
happy there, today.

February 22, 1849
We shot 20 pounds of meat.

February 23, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

February 25, 1849
We shot 370 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing.

February 26, 1849
The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost:
14 bullets
249 pounds of food
Suddenly Susa (drowned)
Just as we were getting to like her, too. Oh well, at least we don't have to listen to her whining
and complaining all day. All that's left now is me and Flash of the original party, plus Arienne, my
unofficial girlfriend, who now lives in our wagon with us. We are now more determined than ever to
reach Willamette Valley and all stay there together. I wouldn't even consider going to Persia without
Arienne, not now. We've grown closer through this journey, and she and I are insperarable.
Flash Gordium is suffering from exhaustion.

February 27, 1849
We decided to rest for 6 days.
The snow has finally melted but Flash is too exhausted to enjoy it.

March 6, 1849
We decided to rest for 6 days.

March 8, 1849
Flash Gordium is well again.

March 13, 1849
We shot 24 pounds of meat.
The snow has melted, health is good, and spirits are high. Spring is in the air.
Since our wagon tipped over at the Snake River, food has been pretty scarce. Last time we went hunting
we caught nothing. So when I went hunting today and caught 24 pounds of food, we were all happy-- a
fresh feast in time for Flash's birthday.
Arienne and I both gave him his gifts, and we all made cake together. We none of us know how and it
came out completely messed up but none of us cared. That's what friendship can do to a guy.
Flash Gordium has the measles. Some birthday present!

March 14, 1849
We decided to rest for 8 days.

March 17, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.

March 23, 1849
Flash Gordium is well again.

March 25, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We took the wrong trail and lost 3 days.

March 29, 1849
We shot 194 pounds of meat.

March 31, 1849
We shot 328 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 3, 1849
We shot 231 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 4, 1849
We shot 35 pounds of meat.

April 7, 1849
We shot 228 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Broken wagon axle.
We couldn't fix the broken wagon axle. We will have to trade for one.
We traded 104 pounds of food for 1 wagon axle.

April 9, 1849
We shot 276 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.

April 10, 1849
A fire in our wagon destroyed:
4 sets of clothing
4 bullets
I knew we shouldn't have left that lantern in the barn with Susa Jr. the Ox!

April 11, 1849
We have reached Fort Boise.

April 12, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
We traded 18 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 20 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 12 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 16 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 14 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 16 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 19 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 21 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 12 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
We traded 17 pounds of food for 20 bullets.
You do the math!

April 13, 1849
We shot 290 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Broken wagon axle.
We didn't fix the broken wagon axle. Now we must try to trade for one.
We traded 66 pounds of food for 1 wagon axle.

April 14, 1849
We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.
No grass for the oxen.
Rough trail.

April 15, 1849
No water.
Broken wagon tongue.
We couldn't fix the broken wagon tongue. We will have to trade for one.
We traded 51 pounds of food for 1 wagon tongue.

April 17, 1849
We shot 94 pounds of meat.
We found an abandoned wagon containing:
2 sets of clothing
40 bullets
2 wagon axles
Mardi Gras decorations
We think they died from partying too hard.


****JUST MUSHY STUFF AND DEATH BEYOND THIS POINT*****
No grass for the oxen.
Flash Gordium has a fever.
We decided to rest for 7 days.

April 22, 1849
Flash Gordium got sick and died. That's impossible! No! It can't be! Arienne is the only thing
saving me from dying of sadness. Flash was the best-- the ONLY platonic friend I had left! So close to the
end, too... (sniff, sniff) He... he was so certain that he'd make it to Willamette Valley and join that Utopian
Community of his... We had it all planned out... He was such a trooper! How could he have died? It's just
not fair! Oh Flash, I will be with you again someday, but until then, I know you'd want me to have a
happy life with Arienne. And I know you were watching us, waiting for our relationship to advance. You
were all for our being together. I thank you for all your support and friendship, we were SUCH good
friends, weren't we? Oh, Flash, you were like a brother to me. Arienne and I will miss you terribly. Oh
man, I can't believe this happened. Arrgh, this is terrible! Awww, I'm gonna start CRYING again, I
HATE crying! C'mere, Arienne, I need a hug.

April 26, 1849
No water.

April 27, 1849
I shot 362 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 100 pounds of meat by myself.
No grass for the oxen.

April 28, 1849
Bad water.

April 29, 1849
I will now travel at a more strenuous pace.
No grass for the oxen.

April 30, 1849
The trail is impassable. Lost 9 days. Nine! NINE! NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
I spent a lot of time with Arienne. She and I are the only ones left, we're sick with missing Flash, and
we're lonely. At least we have each other, right? We are closer than ever.
Flash's death has made me realize my own mortality. I explained this to Arienne. "There's so
much I want to do in life. I want to write a great American novel. I want to eat fifty eggs in one sitting. I
want to go to a Mafia hangout. I want to join the British secret service. I want to know what it's like to be
a person who likes salad. Do you understand? I want to know what it's like to do something I've never
tried, or be something that I've never tried to be. Like, smart."
"I think you're smart, Schaz."
"Yeah, but you don't c--you're on a whole `nother level. I want to know what it's like to be a lord or a lady-
-"
"You know what it's like to be royalty," she pointed out, "and you renounced it. And I can't imagine YOU
being a lady, Schaz. I wouldn't want you to be anything besides what you are. You're the Scheherezade I
know and love-- not someone else."
"I know. But I'd still like to know what it's like to be dead."
"God, Schaz, I hope not, not for a long, long time."
"--or to be in love--"
"Don't you love me?"
"Yeah, but I mean, you know, married in love. I've never been married, you know, not like you."
"Why didn't say so? You want to get married, I have no truck with that. As long as you're not afraid I
might kill you like I killed my other spouses--"
"Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't kill them!--Did you?"
"Of course not, not purposely."
"There then. How's the sixth sound, for the wedding I mean?"
"I'll be there."

May 2, 1849
I am suffering from exhaustion.

May 3, 1849
I decided to rest for 7 days. This will postpone the wedding....

May 13, 1849
I am well again. So we got married today. We want to get to Willamette as fast as possible and get
all the legal junk through. This was just symbolic, so we have a sacred bond or something corny like that.
So now we're on the honeymoon (woooo)!

May 15, 1849
I shot 206 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 100 pounds of meat by myself.

May 18, 1849
Bad water.
No grass for the oxen.

May 19, 1849
I found some wild fruit.
Bad water.

May 21, 1849
No grass for the oxen.
I am sick with typhoid fever.

May 22, 1849
I decided to rest for 7 days.

[ End of Journal. ]

On May 24, 1849, Scheherezade died of measles. Grief-stricken, Arienne, her newlywed wife,
plunged Scheherezade's favorite knife, the one with the pretty carved ivory handle, into her own heart.
Later, her ex-ex-ex-brother-in-law, Jared, found the two bodies locked in eternal embrace. "How come she
didn't do that when George died?" Jared wondered. "She didn't even do that when Caroline died, and
heaven knows how much trouble she went through to make that marriage happen." Shaking his head,
Jared gathered up the two bodies and took them with him to Willamette Valley to bury them.
An armor-clad woman went to the funeral. She said her name was Hudson Leick, and she wept
over the bodies and took the knife in Arienne's heart as a memento. Jared didn't mind because apparently
the weapon belonged to Hudson in the first place. Hudson took the knife back in time to when she herself
was but a child and gave it as a gift to her future best friend, Amazon Queen.

What goes around, comes around.