Where was he? you may ask. He was in the city of Brotherly
Love. Some refer to it as "Philadelphia." Some refer to it as the
city of Brotherly Love. But all refer to it as "Philadelphia."1
In Pennsylvania they have caves. Many caves. Many of which
contain bears. Each bear is different but share many features. For
instance, each bear is frugal. However, different bears have
different loves. Our hero, Bradley, loved track. And so his life
was very good. But there was one obstacle to his life. And that was
that he could not meet his hero, Michael Bolton.
One day, Bradley's sister, Pedro, had an idea. She decided to
go to California to meet her cousin and pen pal, Elouise. She asked
Bradley if he would like to go with her. Bradley said, "I decline."
But Pedro tied him up and put him in her suitcase.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. What was Bradley's great obstacle?
2. How do you decline something?
3. Was Bradley's sister, Pedro, very frugal?
Chapter II
When they got there, there were many nice ladies selling
things. One lady asked Bradley, "Would you like some perfume? It
smells like rocks." Bradley said, "I decline." But the lady tied
him up and put him in her cupboard.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. What does it mean to be lonely?
Chapter III
Bradley liked it in the lady's house. It smelled like rocks
there. The lady fed Bradley a lot of kelp. He didn't like it much
because he liked to eat wormwood, but they were in California now.
He would get wormwood later, after he met the policeman. But right
now, he had not yet met the policeman, and so he did not have a lot
of wormwood.
One day, the lady opened a small business. It did not do as
well as her previous employment. So she was forced let the bear go.
Unfortunately, she did not let Bradley go in Pennsylvania. She
let him go in a giant forest in Peru. Bradley did not know the way
back home. The airport was underground, but he did not know that.
All he knew was that there was a canal between him and his home,
and he was terrified of it.
Bradley was saddened, so he began to sing. He sang three
songs, each worse than the last. When he was finished, he felt
wretched.
It began to rain.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. How did the lady's business do? Justify your answer.
2. Why was wormwood not available to Bradley at this time?
3. Is gambling a sin? Explain.
Chapter IV
The rain had damaged Bradley's meteor detecting equipment, and
so a meteor hit the Earth. Helicopters came, and Bradley was taken
away to a zoo where he was the last bear on Earth.
Bradley was fed a great deal at the zoo, and became so
enormous that they were forced to let him go. They put him on a
plane with a one-way ticket to Port-au-Prince, Jamaica. Here he met
his friend Johnny, and a dialogue began.
BRADLEY: Greetings, Johnny. I am the last bear on Earth.
JOHNNY: How contemptible.
BRADLEY: How did you get here?
JOHNNY: I drove my water mobile.
BRADLEY: What happened to your car?
JOHNNY: It was consumed by elves.
BRADLEY: A bit of bad luck, Johnny.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. Where is Port-au-Prince?
2. Do you find this depressing story personally meaningful?
Chapter V
One way to discover whether an oyster is alive is to boil him
in water for ten hours. Johnny discovered this later that day, when
he was eating an oyster. At this point, Bradley the Bear had been
airlifted to Sweden, and the reason Johnny was eating oysters was
to drown his sorrow. Oysters, you see, had exactly the same effect
on Johnny that smoking has for the common man. It made him naseous.
And for this he was thankful, for it helped him forget.
Now let us turn back the clock to when Johnny and Bradley were
still in a discussion about the quality of modern elves.
JOHNNY: Is the quality of modern elves strained, Bradley?
BRADLEY: No. The quality of modern elves is not strained, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Then why did they eat my car?
BRADLEY: They felt it was necessary. You must forget, Johnny. At
least you still have your health. After all, your fitness
guru is the greatest.
JOHNNY: Good. But what should we do now?
BRADLEY: Let us drink red wine at the local tavern.
The local tavern was outside, so they sat outside. They
planted their butts in their chairs so that they might sit at the
table and drink strong red wine and try to forget the
unforgettable, but forgetting was long in coming for they had much
to forget. Each of them forgot a thing or two, but then the other
would remember it.
JOHNNY: Do you remember when you were a track star, Bradley?
BRADLEY: I had forgotten. Can you recall the maid from when we went
to the Golden Dragon?
JOHNNY: I had forgotten.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. Who was the maid at the Golden Dragon?
2. Who forgot the most?
3. Is forgetting possible when you are with Johnny?
4. What did they drink to forget?
5. Is the quality of modern elves strained? Answer in large words.
6. What about the oysters?
Chapter VI "Eye for Eye"
Here we come to a point in the story where we must reveal
something, but we're not going to tell you what.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. How are they going to get to Gerard Depardieu's house?
Chapter VII
Many superlatives have been applied to Johnny. When they were
done drinking, he paid.
It was at that fateful moment that the Swedish mafia came into
the bar to drink some laxatives and sat down in a small dark table
in the corner. Johnny and Bradley pretended not to see them, and
continued their conversation. Which was this:
JOHNNY: Do you think that the government should be overthrown?
BRADLEY: I think that, unless the production of modern grapes in
increased, the government will be overthrown.
JOHNNY: Do you like grapes?
BRADLEY: Do you mean compared to penicillin? Because if you do,
then yes, I like grapes. Because I do not like
penicillin.
JOHNNY: Do you like a fuzzy kitten?
BRADLEY: I don't know, but if I had one, I could eat it and find
out.
JOHNNY: Do you like a breakfast table?
BRADLEY: On that point, I am decidedly neutral.
At this moment, Bradley's fate was sealed. For the Swedish
mafia, under the split-second impression that they were the Swiss
mafia, airlifted Bradley to Sweden.2
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. Is Bradley an English name?
2. What is Bradley's relation to another popular English bear,
Paddington Bear? Or his wicked stepson, Pooh Bear?
3. Can you determine what was Johnny's fatal mistake? Yes or no
Chapter VIII "A Sausage to Remember Me By"
Now, while on the flight, Bradley was tied up. With ropes.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. Would Bradley ever buy a dog?
2. How about a cocker spaniel?
3. They are a savage breed.
Chapter IX
In Sweden, Bradley met a tall, dark, and mysterious airline
captain named Cleo the Mighty. He had two arms, each of which would
do his bidding. Bradley used his newfound friend as a decoy and
escaped.
Bradley was forced to go into hiding. He adopted a new
identity as Sandra Bullock. In order to maintain this facade, he
penned a series of romance novels. Here is one of them:
Julip was twenty, sultry, and full-lipped with a full bosom
full of rocks. She was all heart but as hard as nails. Her raven
hair was as long as a small boat and she was sought by all of the
professors. She was a dentist and her great love was teeth. Teeth
were her life. She had no room in it for a tall, dark and
mysterious stranger like the one who had just come through her
door.
"Good evening," said the stranger. "I want to have my teeth
cleaned."
Julip melted with anticipation. His violet eyes were so
terribly slitted! His strong chin contained a cleft which made it
very nice as chins go. His protruding jaw was pretty slitted and
furthermore his hair was done with a bone which was nice.
"We're closed," she said. "You must come back later."
He took off his furry bone hat politely to reveal long
chestnut locks as long as a small boat. He was every inch the
barbarian!
But no, she must think of her work. She was a dentist first,
and only second a lover of barbarians.
"We're closed," she repeated grimly. "And that means you."
He smiled ruefully and put his hat on the floor. "I want my
teeth cleaned," he said. "I will not accept no for an answer."
Her heart pounded like a caged bird trying to pick the lock of
its cage with its beak and then fly out into the room. She could
see that he felt similarly. Or did he?
"Are you open?" he said with a smile that could kill a small
duck.
"Perhaps tomorrow," she promised.
He took her watch away and would not let her see it. "It is
tomorrow," he fibbed gently. He stared at her eyes. They were wide
open and filled with a trembling emotion, an emotion he couldn't
quite identify. Was it fear? Was it hunger? It was all of those
things, and much more... But he couldn't tell.
Meanwhile, she was fuming at his rudeness. Couldn't he see
that she was closed? Him and his damn furry hat! She didn't need
his patronage! And furthermore, if he thought just because he was
incredibly handsome that he would have his teeth cleaned, then he
didn't know Julip McQuickie!
But there was more. Later in the book. And it went like this:
His bulging biceps carressed her knuckles. "Oh Julip," he
said. "I have never known anyone who cares for her dog as you do."
"I feed him once a day," she acknowledged. She could feel a
blush creep up her neck at his praise. Could he be talking to her?
Or was this just a dream, like last night when she dreamed that the
same thing happened?
But his lips upon her brow were no dream. They were a
startling reality, as real as his biceps.
REVIEW QUESTIONS
1. What color were his eyes?
2. Were his biceps real?
3. Does Julip have a dog?
4. How about a cocker spaniel?
1. Ben Franklin was from here! [back]
2. This was because of Bradley's neutrality. You see, Switzerland had been neutral in World War II. Hitler could not conquer it because of its mountains. Had Switzerland joined the war on the side of the Allies, then the Allies would have won. [back]
