My Fool is a Crock

My fool, Yvene, is a crock.

It was with heavy heart that I commited my previous fool, a delightful jester by the name of Felder, to an asylum from the criminally hilarious; it was determined that, unless a side-seamstress was on call at all hours of the day and night, keeping Felder around would be a danger to all in the royal family. Therefore, a new fool was in order.

"Daddy," my little daughter, Princess Andree, vociferated, "Oi think we nade a femyle fewl."

"Nonsense," I replied gruffly. "Foolishness is a man's job."

"Whoy?" Andree asked. "We have a male queen."

At that I had to relent.

We chose Yvene based upon her particular status as top in her graduating class at Fool School, and upon Andree's particular enjoyment of her foolishness.

Yvene's first week on the job seemed promising. I hardly saw her at all, as I was busy with a war, and had no time for foolery. But when the war was lost, and I had more time for my daily routine, I began to notice something wrong. Yvene was conspicuously absent.

Andree seemed pleased enough with Yvene, even delighted; she protested violently against my considering her termination; and so I decided to let it pass, for another week at least.

I decided Yvene must be nervous on her new job, and so I called for her the next day. "Send me my fool," I ordered.

A servant bowed and ran out. A few moments later, he returned, stating, "Yvene is entertaining the Princess. Shall I divert her?"

"No, no." I sighed and took out my Joke Book.

Over the next several days I was busy setting up a treaty with the Empire of the Moon. The Moon Empress was quite amenable, and we traded teenager horror stories (she has a charming son about Andree's age.) During a particularly amiable visit, I sent a servant to entreat Yvene to come.

After a few moments' chatting with the Empress, I spotted the servant, alone in the doorway.

"Yvene is entertaining the Pri--"

"Well, divert her, then!" I snapped. "The Moon Empress is here!"

And so for the first time during her time in my service, Yvene came to me to entertain. She seemed out of sorts at first, and continually adjusting her robes, but she soon got into her act, smiling under the charm of the Moon Empress. I was content.

My dealings with the Moon Empire were soon near completion as the Empress and I drew up our final alliance contract. As a tribute to our everlasting friendship, the contract included a clause whereby Andree and Moon Prince Loca were to be wed; as the children had been friends for years, I was certain this would be completely pleasing for all parties, particularly the denizens of the Moon Empire and the Sun Kingdom who would delight in the wedding and binding of the two friendly nations.

The next week was spent in a flurry of activity as the whole palace was busily preparing for the arrival of the Moon Empress and her son. We were to treat the family to local delicacies and schedule the wedding. In the joyous frenzy, I again hardly noticed Yvene's complete lack of appearance.

The visit came and went. The next fortnight was spent preparing for the wedding. During this period, I saw Yvene only once.

I strode into the great hall one morning and spotted Yvene lounging in my magnificent throne, smoking, and staring, furrow-browed, out the French windows.

"Here," I cried, "Fool! Long time no see, eh?"

I thought this a rather breezy, endearingly teasing greeting, considering the salary I was paying her, her lack of job performance, and the fact that sitting in my throne is an executable offence, but Yvene only stared at me, surly, and put out her cigarette on the red velvet upholstery.

"You ain't so big, old man," she asserted, spitting in my face. Then she flounced off.

Wiping the mucous from my face, I remarked to no one in particular, "Ah! how odd."

Yvene was overstaying her welcome. I had reaped the benefits of her education and comic timing only once following her initial interview, but she had been at the palace for months; furthermore, she ate like a bear, and regularly destroyed furniture in fits of rage.

Although the Moon Empress urged me to have her beheaded, I chose instead to send her away. I sent for Yvene to tell her the news; but Andree came instead.

"Oi will not let Yvene come! If you are to behead her, kill me first!" Andree screamed. She put a knife to her throat. "OI WILL DO IT!"

"Darling! I never wished to behead her!"

"Do not loi to me, father!"

"I do not lie! I merely wished to send her away."

"Then oi shall go with her!" Andree was frenzied, wild. "Oi shall! Oi shall tyke whatever fate befalls moi fool; she and oi shall not be parted!"

"She is MY fool," I responded petualantly, "not yours."

"She has chosen me," Andree replied. "She pleases me on every level, and we are soulmates, and oi have determined that we will share a fate!"

"If you feel so strongly, for Chrissake, she can stay on as your fool."

"Really?"

"Certainly. Consider it my wedding gift to me."

"Thank you," she said, looking shocked. She shook it off quickly, however, and said, "And oi do not want to be wed to the Prince."

"NO."

"DADdy..."

"It is one or the other; you shall marry him, or, by God, I shall kill your fool with my own hands."

This is why I keep Yvene, although she is a crock; and why I now have two teenagers under my roof. Yvene really isn't so bad, as long as you keep away from her; although when Andree became pregnant with her first child, to my delight and the Moon Empress's, Yvene did slay three of my finest warriors, and leave their bodies at my bedroom door.

THE END