Fiction LNE
Fiction Friday

The Day I Killed Bill Gates with an Axe!

I killed the final giant rat that was guarding the door to bill gate's office. I was covered in blood, some of it my own. I wiped the rat brains off my axe, and utilized my cutting machine on the door. It splintered open with a crunch. There, sitting at his desk, drinking some diet Coke, was Bill Gates.

"Diet Coke?" I gasped. "You sick bastard!" And I brought my axe upon him. Bill Gates just sat there, even as my axe went straight down upon his shoulder! Blood gushed out of his open wound.

One minute of maneuvering later, I brought the axe down again upon his large, scheming head. He barely flinched as brain tissue spewed out in abundance. I waited patiently for him to die for a minute longer. When he simply refused to, I brought the axe down again, this time, into his right arm. There was a sickening crunch as I broke through part of his arm and hit his ribs, breaking them to pieces! "Surely you will die now!" I screamed. After all, the giant rats had been easier to kill, and they WERE GIANT RATS! But he persevered. My God, he persevered. The bastard.

"Whore!" I screamed as I brought the axe down upon his foot. Surely his foot could not take such a beating. Yet, as my blow landed, I realised my mistake. Even as the blow cut his toes into bloody sections, I realised it would take more blows to kill this demon of the computer world. MANY MORE BLOWS. I would survive. "I will survive!" I screamed into Bill gate's left ear. Soon after, I sliced into that very ear with my axe. Blood gushed from the cavity where once an ear had been. But this last blow made me tired.

In a brilliant move, Bill Gates turned his chair towards me. A smile crossed his lips. "I have something you need," he said with a faint smile. His statement enraged me! I screamed, and brought my axe down upon him again. With a squelch, I ripped half his face off his head. I continued screaming as I brought my axe down not a mere minute later for another blow...but my scream was on deaf ears. I had cut both the demon hell beast's ears off from his $8 dollar hair cut head. How much longer could he go on? He was covered in blood. I was covered in blood. The computer he was lovingly gazing into was covered in dark red blood. An ear, presumably his own was stuck to the monitor. I yelled out again, as I brought my axe down, for one final blow, "You are evil! You are the worst kind of evil! You truly deserve the title of Lawful Evil!"

The words somehow made Bill Gates react. "Perhaps we can work something out," he began. "I have something you need." But it was too late. My axe landed squarely on his chest, ripping apart his remaining unbroken ribs, shattering his heart in a burst of blood and gore. I wiped the dark red plasma off my eyes and peered at what I expected would be Bill gate's corpse. But he was no corpse! He was a living, breathing man. Sitting there, he smiled. And he took a sip from his diet coke. "It's a bit flat," he said with a smile. It was a smile that made me want to do only one thing: kill, kill, kill. Unfortunately, the giant rats were all dead and gone.

That left one target, the bloody Bill Gates. "Perfect!" I screamed. "I have a passion for blood, and you, my friend, will fulfill my passion!"

I hacked, and I hacked, taking a minute rest after each hack. I am only human after all. For hours I hacked at his still moving body, his smug, still moving body! Hours turned into days. Days turned into months. "Curse you!" I screamed after over 7 hours passed my 100th day of hacking. I don't know how I survived those days without food and water. But there was no time for that. There was only time for hacking! Brutal, brutal hacking. The demon had to be killed! He was a demon, a virtual demon. AND I HATED HIM!

I brought my axe upon his spinal cord one last time. It had already been split in three places, and I split it a 4th time. My axe hit deep. It smashed the 9th vertabrae into 18 bits. I had time to count them during the minute it took me to bring my axe up one FINAL time for a finishing blow. But, right as it was a mere two inched from his neck, two inched from his ultimate death!....I missed. I missed, and I cursed! "Demon HELLBEAST! WILL YOU NEVER DIE? AM I DOOMED TO FEEL YOUR OPRESSION FOREVER?"

Silently, I put my axe down, and began to walk out of the room.....but as I was about to reach the door, or what was left of it, a thought popped into my head. What if I gave it another try? it couldn't hurt. With a pitiful sigh, I picked the axe up one last time, brought it over my head...and plunged it deep into his slightly fat-cushioned body. "NOW YOU DIE!" I screamed. Slowly, he got up from his feet. "Want to play a game?" he piped out...."want to play a game?"...."want to play a game?" He meekly let out the words, his voice becoming more weak and metallic with every breath. "want to play a-"...

"NO!" I screamed. Bill Gates looked me in the eye. We stared each other down for half a minute. Then, he took a small sip from his can of diet coke....AND BLEW UP IN AN EXPLOSION OF BLOOD AND GORE! I was covered foot to toe with blood, gore, plasma, brain matter, intestine, and flat diet coke.

Casually, I took my hankerchief from my pocket and wiped the sickly diet coke from my forehead. "Dreadful stuff," I laughed as I walked away from the Bill Gates Dungeon, and into the open air, where many an elf dryad awaited my return with open arms, and, dare I say, open hearts?