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    The Illustrious Adventures of Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana

    A while back I mentioned something about a friend of mine, Tad the Banana, and I working on a script to send to the amazing action hero Bruce Campbell. Tad is a banana with the word "Tad" naturally occuring on him. On top of that, Tad was also signed by Bruce Campbell at a recent book signing. You can read all about it in The Day I Met Bruce Campbell - Part One and The Day I Met Bruce Campbell - Part Two (which I had intended to call The Day I Met Bruce Campbell - Part Three, but didnít in order to avoid numerical confusion).

    I am Tad!
    Tad the Banana, relaxing at home.

    In any case, Tad and I have been working day and night to produce ideas of considerable merit, and I think we may just have succeeded. Here are some concepts currently being batted about:

    Time Shifters: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are paramedics who accidentally open a gateway to another dimension. The dimension they travel to is almost exactly like the dimension they were just in, but with one essential catch: they donít realize it. They go about having zany adventures in this action/drama/horror/comedy of mistaken identity and alarming proportions. Suffice it to say hilarity ensues. (Rated PG-13) Approximate Running Time: 92 minutes.

    Time Warlocks: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are drunken frat buddies who get into a lot of trouble when they accidentally stumble upon a secret sub-sub-basement in Leenin University in Arkansas in which they discover the long lost, and well hidden, tomb of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh. Opening the tomb, they discover another tomb within it, and a series of tombs that get progressively smaller until Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana reach a sarcophagus. Within the sarcophagus they discover another secret set of stairs that leads even further down. In the pitch-black darkness of the region they find themselves in, they feel their way along, until they stumble upon a secret switch and fall down a hidden set of stairs. Tension builds in this comedy/drama/action/horror of the highest order, as Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana continue to descend more and more stairs. Production values are low as the last 45 minutes of the movie require merely grunts and swears in pitch blackness. Memorable phrases: "What the fuck?!!" and "Youíd think they didnít have light in ancient Egypt." (Rated R for language and adult situations) Approximate Running Time: 46 minutes.

    Time Arena: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are incredibly tired after an exhausting day and decide to get a good nightís sleep. (Rated R for adult situations) Approximate Running Time: 73 minutes.

    Time Squad: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are asked to spent one night in a haunted house in order to collect an inheritance of a million dollars. They decide not to and instead become a pair of out of work detectives who end up getting a job as plumbers in order to help save an orphanage on the brink of economic collapse. This comedy/documentary/horror/drama will be outrageous fun for the whole family. Memorable phrases: "Stick with it; it sure as hell sticks with you." and "Here comes some action!" and "Is that an ass or are you trying to convince me to buy life insurance?" (Rated R for "situations") Approximate Running Time: 76 minutes.

    Time Warriors: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are android hunters in a not too distant future. Androids have just been invented and they are very slow and very weak because faster processing speeds have yet to be invented. Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana slaughter helpless androids in this hilarious social satire. Memorable phrases: "Here it comes you artificial motherfucker!" and "Have this complimentary kick in the rear, courtesy of Asskick Incorporated." and "Asskick University is now in session!" (Rated G for all audiences) Approximate Running Time: 33 gruesome minutes.

    Time Mavens: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are piano movers who accidentally walk in on a gruesome murder. Theyíre immediately murdered and horribly mutilated in this zany remake of Shakespeareís classic A Comedy of Errors, which was itself a remake of Plautusís Menaechmi, which was inspired by a lie some jerk told Plautus on his wedding day and he believed because he was naive. Memorable phrases: "Anyone here order a piano?" and "Holy fu--!" (Rated PG) Approximate Running Time: 2 minutes.

    Time Sojourn: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana accidentally enter themselves into a dance competition run by gangsters. They then enter themselves into another dance competition not run by gangsters. They rehearse for approximately 72 minutes, but canít quite seem to perfect the double swan dip until the movieís finale. Memorable phrases: "I canít quite seem to perfect the double swan dip." and "I still canít quite seem to perfect the double swan dip." (Rated R) Approximate Running Time: 72 minutes.

    Time Hawks: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana meet up with an old war buddy named Clarence. The next day, they wake up to realize that theyíre only repeating the same day over and over again. They keep meeting up with Clarence and discussing the fact that they seem to be repeating the same day over and over again. Clarence never seems to believe them. Over time, they gradually learn more and more about Clarence and become closer and closer to him. Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana keep repeating the same day over and over until they discover the true meaning of love, and wake up the next morning to find Clarence in bed with them. The charm of this romantic comedy will seduce you as it did Clarence. Memorable phrases: "Anyone here order a piano?" and "De ja huh?" (Rated PG) Approximate Running Time: The movie reels are constantly recycled in order to give the impression that the movie never ends.

    Time Blackout: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are just a couple of your average bionic race car driver superheroes who are called upon to defend Venezuela from the forces of a brilliantly mad scientist bent on ruling the entire country of Venezuela. They decline and spend approximately 188 minutes of the movie drinking beer and talking to the camera, wondering what would have happened if they had indeed decided to intervene and what course their lives might have taken because of it. (Rated PG) Approximate Running Time: 51 minutes.

    Time Reactionaries: Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana are called upon to defend their title as "Heavyweight Champion of the World". Although theyíre a bit out of shape, they exercise for roughly 3 minutes to a shortened version of "Eye of the Tiger" and then go on to fight and get the shit kicked out of them by Mister T. In shame, Bruce Campbell and Tad the Banana both commit suicide and are condemned to hell for all eternity where they meet with an unlikely cast of lively characters and hilarious consequences. Memorable phrases: "So, this is hell? Donít everybody come and greet me all at once." and "Does it always smell like shit mixed with vinegar here?" and "So, what do we all do here, just hang around, get burned, and light farts?" and "Thank God we didnít commit adultery. I hear they get shafted up the ass." and "If that Satan thinks heís such hot stuff, itís too bad heís about to get burned." (Rated PG-13) Approximate Running Time: 89 minutes of your life are wasted, 48 of which actually incur physical pain upon your body. Wait until you get to hell to see this movie.

    I love you.  Will you love me?

    Itís me! Bruce Campbell! Flattened and sold in bulk. Thereís a little piece of Bruce in every book baby.

    Buy Bruce Campbellís autobiography! If you canít afford the book, then just mail the 3 dollars royalty he would have received to:

    Bruce Campbell
    Agency for the Performing Arts Inc
    9200 West Sunset Boulevard
    West Hollywood, CA 90069-3502

    Itís like choosing between Babylon-5 and Star Trek.

    Bruce Campbell and his #1 Fan Tad the Banana. A new action hero is born!

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

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