• Ask Lance and Eskimo!
  • lores
    more..
  • The Apology of Lance and Eskimo Dot Com
  • Jacques Finally Does It!!!
    more..
  • More From The Poetry Corner
  • The Armageddon Flowchart
    more..
  • Features

    Message BoardMessage Board
    CreditsCredits
    Buy StuffBuy Stuff
    Lance and EskimoL&E Home

    Friends

  • The Totally Unauthorized Dune Guy Website!
  • The Misbegotten Oregon Trail Journal Site
    more..
  • Flash

  • The Binary L&E Promo
  • The Official "The Day Chris Said "Wicked Fine"" Gush Page
    more..
  • Fun

  • Geeko!
  • The L&E Boyfriend Generator
    more..
  • Books

  • Jacques’s Book Corner
  • Ringworld Remembered
  • Jacques Talk
    L&EJacquesEmail

    Irrefutable Proof in the Existence of God

    One day, I was examining the television, as I am wont to do, when something extraordinary appeared on it. Male supermodel Fabio was pictured at an amusement park, riding a roller coaster for some reason. Later, I realized, he was willed by God to do so. In any case, the aforementioned Fabio was riding the aforementioned roller coaster when all of a sudden a bird (probably a dove, knowing God) flew right into his face. There was blood everywhere and my initial reaction was obviously: His face! His beautiful face! Later, I learned that Fabio was (thankfully) unharmed, his gorgeous features unchanged. Yet I had been changed forever.

    Immediately, I fell to my knees and proclaimed to the heavens: “Oh my God, that was hilarious.”

    Prior to this epiphany, my evidence for the existence of the Almighty was shaky at best. My previous evidence and arguments consisted primarily of holy texts, sour cream and onion potato chips, and the magnanimous Tina Fey.

    One of the factors contributing to my belief in the existence of God stemmed previously from what was a variation on the design argument. The existence of sour cream and onion chips is simply too phenomenal and fantastic a phenomenon to not accept in the necessity for a God. The complexity of the human mind, allowing for such a notion as the placement of sour cream and onion on a potato chip, cannot be denied. The extreme complexity of a mind that is capable of formulating that notion can only have been inspired by a divine being.

    In order to better understand this argument, perhaps it is best to introduce this into philosopher William Paley’s rendition of the design argument. The revised argument goes as follows: If one was walking along the beach and they stumbled upon a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, is it more likely to assume that that bag simply came into existence by happenstance as the waves beat against the sand, gradually forming it into a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, or is it more likely to assume that the bag of sour cream and onion potato chips was intentionally created by someone? Well, the hypothesis of a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips simply falling into existence by way of waves slapping against the shore is nothing short of preposterous. That would, simply put, be a ridiculous assertion. Obviously, God put the bag of sour cream and onion potato chips there. Thus, there exists a God.

    For the longest time I was convinced that the existence of Saturday Night Live’s Tina Fey must be ample enough proof in the existence of a God. That is, until I realized the possibility that Tina Fey merely willed herself into existence.

    And so, setting aside my previous evidence in the existence of God, God made himself known throughout the world in a miracle. I would not have laughed so hard at the parting of the Red Sea or even the slaying of all the Egyptian firstborn. I wouldn’t have even laughed as hard at the murrain. And come on, let’s face it, murrain is comedy gold.

    I have no problem with Fabio himself. I don’t know him personally, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a nice fellow and an excellent writer.

    Nevertheless, it seems evident enough to me that the bird was sent on a humorous suicide mission in the name of Allah. I hope he’s in heaven with his virgins now, having his massive bird orgies, because that was really funny.

    I’m glad that Fabio wasn’t harmed or permanently damaged in any manner. Firstly, because I don’t really like it when bad things happen to people. And secondly, because it leaves the door open for something like this to possibly happen again.

    What will God think up next?

    *

    L&EJacquesEmail

  • My New Apartment
  • 64 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode II (pt. 4)
    more..
  • How they Localize Commercials
  • Star Wars Episode III Betting Book
    more..
  • Contributing Writers

  • How To Become a Redcloud Brother (J.M. Hoffman)
  • A Day in the Life of Laura (Nick)
    more..
  • Favorites

    Polymorph Want a Cracker?Polymorph
    chefelf.comChefelf
    laurahughes.comlaurahughes.com
    Anonymous BlondeAnonymous Blonde
    Fully Ramblomatic.comFullyRamblomatic.com
    more..

    Comics

  • Lance and Eskimo Comix
  • Lance Turns 21- Part 1
  • Company X #007
    more..
  • Quizzes

  • Are You Nate's Girlfriend Material?
  • An Assignment for English 111
    more..
  • Fiction

  • My Fool is a Crock
  • The Living Soap
    more..
  • TV

  • Rejected Opening Monologues for The Waltons
  • Hawaii Five-Oh-Yeah!