April 1, 1848
It's April Fool's day. In the spirit of that day, I have several confessions for you. WE ARE NOT TEACHERS! Also, we did not defecate in the company store after the old -- scratch that, young-- salesman denied us our right to have 100 oxen, although we could only afford 10.
We started down the trail with:
10 oxen (that bastard!!!)
3 sets of clothing (sorry, Rory and Felix)
50 pounds of food (coincidentally, that's the same amount of food you could get from a duffel bag filled with 20 human heads. Continuing in the spirit of the day, I would like to announce that OUR FOOD IS NOT IN THIS FORM.)
April 2, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. We spent the day practicing cursive, and reprimanding each other for talking out of turn. None of us speak to Rory, for he is a Phys. Ed. teacher.
April 4, 1848
We shot 502 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Nick is in charge of hunting, and after he brings down a buffalo, he sinks 7 extra bullets into its unmoving carcass. Even if he had a six-shooter (which he didn't) this would mean he would have to stop to reload.
Nick Lollipop has a broken leg. That's what you get for unnecessary cruelty! Laura believes that it is a punishment from God. The other teachers believe Laura should keep religion out of school.
April 5, 1848
(because we're teachers)
April 6, 1848
We lost 17 pounds of food due to spoilage.
April 7, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing.
April 8, 1848
The wagon tipped over while floating. We lost:
Laura Beastly (drowned) That wasn't so bad. Only Laura died. And she was a little spooky, with her constant rolling of her eyes to the heavens and clicking of rosary beads. And she was (let's be brutally honest here) the biggest eater.
We lost 12 pounds of food due to spoilage. Time to go hunting!!!!!! Nick hoots and grabs the rifle.
April 10, 1848
We shot 751 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Nick shoots 2 rabbits, a buffalo, and a SECOND BUFFALO, ignoring the cardinal rule of Oregon Trail which is this: you can only carry 200 pounds of meat back to the wagon.
April 11, 1848
Nick Lollipop got sick and died. And this on top of his broken leg! Nick's day isn't getting any better. Now he can join Laura in her fool's heaven, Rory says. Rory is an inveterate cynic, and, like all gym teachers, a follower of Voltaire.
April 14, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. This is a good time for some mourning! None of us feel very depressed, somehow. We are all to self-absorbed to give a rat's ass if one of us dies. Wait! We just learned that we can't hunrt in the fog! Now we mourn.
We lost 25 pounds of food due to spoilage.
April 15, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. We decide to hunt first. Why not load down the wagon and reduce our chances of survival?
Dammit! First the fog, and now this. It becomes apparent that we can't hunt at river crossings and landmarks. That is... we can't hunt........ for food!!!! We pursue Rory with a meat cleaver, but he escapes us by climbing a rope and running through a tire obstacle course.
Side note: Felix wonders if Nick may have died because we did nothing to treat his broken leg, and made him go hunting every day?
April 16, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Life is good!
April 17, 1848
We shot 404 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Felix hunts, and he proves equally skilled at shooting giant, slow, lumbering, soon-to-be-extinct buffalo.
Rory Thief II has cholera. Should we wait and let him recover, or should we let him, hmm, I don't know... WALK IT OFF?????? Rory doesn't like it when we throw that line back in his face, the line that he fed so many battered and broken gym students.
April 18, 1848
We will now travel at a more strenuous pace. So Rory can walk it off faster. It's for his own good.
April 21, 1848
We have reached Fort Kearney. Let's hunt!!!!
Dammit!!!!!! That duffel bag is crying out for its 21st head. And yet unfair, possibly unconstitutional scrutiny by Johnny Law continues to prevent us from gunning down civilians at landmarks.
Side note: Nick's last desire was that we should record that in his life, he was a science teacher who instilled in his students a deep reverence for the theory of phlogiston. We forgot to mention that till now.
April 22, 1848
We lost 35 pounds of food due to spoilage. Dammit!! Doesn't it seem that we've lost an unusually high amount of food to spoilage? Who's in charge of sealing those zip-lock bags?
April 25, 1848
Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.
April 26, 1848
Rory Thief II is well again. I guess you can't kill a gym teacher.
April 27, 1848
We will now travel at a steady pace.
April 29, 1848
We have reached Chimney Rock.
Felix the Fox has cholera. Why do all our hunters die?? Why, oh why? Felix insists that he's not dead yet, but he will be after we increase the pace.
April 30, 1848
We will now travel at a more grueling pace.
May 1, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. It looks like a Laramie. A local Pawnee indian tries to sell us some horse malarkey about having "never killed a white man." Who was it who travelled at a grueling pace when Nick was sick? .. no wait, that was us. He also asked us to leave his noble buffalo alone.
May 3, 1848
We shot 25 pounds of meat. We used 13 bullets. Is there any more beautiful site than a stately white-tailed stag as you pump 12 extra bullets into it, Felix? Hey, aren't you supposed to be in bed? Don't you have, like, cholera or something? Those English teachers, they just loooove destruction.
May 7, 1848
We have reached Independence Rock. It looks like Rock. A spirit voice informs us something about the history of Independence Rock, which we all think is really cool, till we realize it's the spirit of Nick and then we totally tune him out. BORRRING!
May 10, 1848
Felix the Fox is well again. Sweet! And we're, like, almost halfway to Oregon, and hardly half of us are dead!
We have arrived at the South Pass. We talk to a fascinating Mormon, who tells us about religious persecution, but we are too distracted to listen because his beard is, let's face it, really funny-looking.
Felix the Fox has dysentery. Poor Felix! As he lies in bed, his life ebbing away, Rory says, "I'm hungry. I think Felix should go hunting."
"Yeah," Paul seconds. "It's his job."
May 11, 1848
We shot 224 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
After hours spent under the grueling desert sun, Felix kills a caribou. He faints thrice.
No grass for the oxen.
May 13, 1848
Bad water. But now there's grass for the oxen, so they all blaze J's.
May 15, 1848
We have arrived at the Green River Crossing. Seriously, kids, smoking pot is wrong. WRONG! The oxen complain that we just don't understand the pressure they're under, and claim it's for medicinal purposes.
May 17, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. WE MADE IT!! WOO HOO! We were scared because the river was 40 feet deep and teachers are notorious cowards. Also, they cannot swim, because their insides are made of gold.
No grass for the oxen.
May 18, 1848
Bad water. It's bad, but it feels so good!!
May 20, 1848
Felix the Fox died of dysentery. Stupid freakin' dysentery! Now only Paul and Rory are left, and that means all of Rory's obsessive aggression will be taken out on Paul. He has this habit of trying to sneak up behind people and hit them with a bag of sand, which gets old real fast.
Rory Thief II is sick with typhoid fever. Paul rejoices! Then Paul hands Rory the gun. "You're going hunting, big boy," he says.
May 22, 1848
We shot 384 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.
Up ahead, we see some dude who appears to be inflating one of those kiddie pools. What's he doing out here? Of course, we could be wrong. He's 51 miles away. Maybe it's not a kiddie pool.
May 23, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
We have reached Soda Springs. Apparently that kiddie pool was actually some springs, and the guy inflating it was actually no guy inflating anything.
May 25, 1848
We have reached Fort Hall. Paul thinks it says "Fart Hall" and giggles.
May 26, 1848
No water. We just looked at our Status... Paul is in poor health and Rory still has typhoid fever! And Nick's dead. We didn't remember that he was dead because of all of his incessant science-teacher babbling from beyond the grave. Planck's constant, yada yada. Escape velocity, blah blah. Whatever.
May 28, 1848
No grass for the oxen. They weep openly and watch "Up in Smoke". Again.
May 29, 1848
Rory Thief II is well again.
May 30, 1848
We traded 33 pounds of food for 10 dollars.
We have arrived at the Snake River Crossing. It looks like a Rock.
May 31, 1848
We had no trouble floating the wagon across. We got an indian guide to help us cross the river, in exchancge for 3 sets of clothing. Actually, this is how it went down:
INDIAN: Give me your clothing.
US: In exchange, will you help us get across the river?
INDIAN: Hee! Hee!
INDIAN: (grabs clothes, runs away)
June 1, 1848
We lost 41 pounds of food due to spoilage.
June 2, 1848 Rory is becoming uncomfortable with his and Paul's constant nudity.
June 1, 1848
We found some wild fruit.
An ox is sick.
June 3, 1848
We have reached Fort Boise. It looks like a chimney. And it sounds noisy. Noisy Boise.
June 5, 1848
Broken wagon tongue.
We couldn't fix the broken wagon tongue. We will have to trade for one. We're like 100 miles from our destination! We could spit and hit Oregon from here! Paul doesn't want to go any further, but Rory insists on trading.
Side note: Why would anyone want to go to Oregon?
We traded 57 pounds of food to James Hetfield of Metallica for 1 wagon tongue.
June 6, 1848
Rory Thief II has cholera. Rory laughs at cholera! Rory has had every known disease, and he has never once died!!! He had scurvy twice.
June 8, 1848
We shot 156 pounds of meat. We killed a deer and a bear. Rory rips off the bear's limbs savagely, thereby exercising his right to bear arms. That's like a gym teacher joke.
Side note: What the hell kind of teacher is Paul? No one knows.
June 10, 1848
We have arrived at the Grande Ronde in the Blue Mountains. Those mountains are distictly purple! We feel cheated. Paul is about to head for home, but Rory sneaks up behind him and hits him with a bag full of sand.
We decide to take the short cut to the Dalles instead of the road to Walla Walla, because we believe Walla Walla is clearly a made-up word.
June 14, 1848
We have reached The Dalles. We're at the end of our journey. We have reached the holy grail for every teacher: Oregon! (Although no one knows why we're here.) Now all we have to do is get across one more measly river, and we're home free. The only problem is that Paul insists on steering, and he's not trustworthy. Paul claims to be a teacher of "boating down the Dalles 101" but clearly he is a liar. Rory sneaks up behind him and knocks him out.
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