Here's a piece of mail that Laura forwarded to me with an angry note about how she doesn't want to look at my goddamn mail because she doesn't want to get in trouble for my being a jackass. She was in for a big surprise when it turned out this was about the Godspeaks article that I wrote under her name before she went public about creating me. So the writer of this email is forgiven for sending it to Laura, but for little else. True to my jackassy nature I have interspersed this mailing with my own comments.

Hi, Just happened to drop by at your website. I was just wondering if you make a living out of criticising everything and anything?

I wish! I would be a fat little rag doll if that were the case. (Ed. note: the implication is that he would be fat from eating all the crackerless Cheez Wiz he would be able to afford if he were rich.)

Is it because you can't find happiness that you need to put everything/one else down in hope that you could continue with your denial...and force yourself to believe "hey I'm good, real good".

Holy Joey Lawrence. Can someone diagram that sentence? It seems to be accusing me of denying that I'm real good. I adamently protest. I am good... Real good!

The one that really caught my eye...the "messages from god" section. I what if those people haven't got the message right, if their grammer sucks or the sticker is peeling off?

So much to deny, so little time. What article was this guy reading? First of all, I never complain about people's grammer (by which I assume the writer is referring to Kelsey Grammer, TV's Frasier).

Also, I'm certain I never complained about any stickers peeling off. I know this without even looking at my article. "How can you be so sure?" you ask, fretfully. "Simple," I reply. THERE WERE NO STICKERS. The signs were inside buses and on a website. Even if I didn't make that clear, I didn't say that the messages, nay, Christians, nay, monotheism itself was wrong because their goddamn stickers were peeling off. I hope next time this guy wants to make a biased comment he stops and thinks about what he's saying.

Whats with the criticism to the whole religion? Can't you just be at least a teensy bit respectful?


I don't even know what religion these Godspeaks guys are, but I don't think they deserve my respect. What kind of religion lets you pretend to be God and speak as him? A religion that allows blasphemy, that's what, and that's a religion that can't mind me. You've gotta realize,guy who wrote this email, there are a lot of different religions,and a lot of different people, even Christians, disagree with each other and say different stuff. I'm not saying any of that stuff doesn't suck, but I am saying all of that stuff isn't necessarily suck. I don't know cause I don't go out of my way to find out.

What I do isn't to say "You're a Christian so you're wrong," so you can stop getting all defensive on me. People say stupid shit. I'm not gonna say any specific religion is a bad religion, but I am gonna point out flaws in stupid stuff hyper-creepy non-specific-Christian cultists force on me. Once you give me something with stupid writing it, that stuff becomes my domain for bitter sarcastic public comment. You leave me alone, though, and I'll return the favor.

So if I endlessly torment you it's cause you forced something on me. Like Laura. She made me read this email by forwarding it to me. As soon as I finish arguing one-sidedly with it, I'll hunt her down and lunge my soft little body at her head, repeatedly. Not just for this. She also went onto my computer and made her stupid Boy Meets World thing my home page. And it was terrible.

Anyway. Back to the email. (Yeah, it goes on.)

I can tell you one thing. The reason why you're in such denial and having to trample over everyone in order to frantically grasp for any shred of happiness, is because NO, you were NOT getting along fine without God, YOU are doing yourself wrong and you're blaming it on anything and everything, including God and cos you want to be "god" yourself, you're trying to convince yourself its possible.

You can figure out all that from an article?

I don't understand what I'm supposed in denial about... God? Well, I think he's in denial about there not being a god. He's trying to grasp for any shred of happiness because deep down, he knows no one up there's watching him all the time, and knowing what he wants for Christmas and all, and that makes him lash out at the world by writing angry emails. HA! The tables are turned now, aren't they?

This all may seem pretty childish, but hey, I'm a goddamn doll. Anyway, he started it.

And don't get me wrong, although you probably have, seeing how you jump at everything the first chance you get,

Slow down! The sentences are so long I can't get a word in edgewise. I guess in this case I was jumping before the first chance I got.

I'm not trying to get you on God's side, I'm just telling you the way it's written.

What? When did you tell me the way it's written? Did I miss something? Was that part of the email in Secret Text?

And just in case you wanted to know...judging God by the way humans totally pathetic. So if I were to stick a sticker on my car that says "I'm stupid -- Laura" is that from you? Don't think I need to answer that do I?

That bumper sticker sounds sweet. In fact, I've gone so far as to make T-shirts that say "I'm stupid --Laura", which are now for sale.

That aside, does anyone else think that that sounds suspiciously like an argument in favor of my article? Think about it.

Other than that, I do recognise that you are able to say positive things...although not nearly as well as you say the negatives ay?

Ay? Ay?

I mean, joking is one thing, but out right insulting is another and sometimes people get these two things mixed up. Hopefully you'll be able to think about what you're saying next time. If you can't make a non-biased comment about're better off saying zilch. Cheers.

That last line (pre-Cheers, I mean, which is a further indicator that he was talking about Kelsey Grammer that time) makes me wonder how much of the other stuff in this letter was confusingly paraphrased homilies. I guess it was kind of insulting to all Christians for me to point out flaws in some guy's ad campaign. I'll never do it again. But I will make fun of Jesus. Ha ha! Stupid apostles.