DEAR READERS,

            Did you know I have never watched a TV show? It's true. I'm a seven-month-old rag doll, so maybe I have an excuse. Once I watched a commercial for those electrodes you put on your skin and it builds up your muscles. And I saw "Rocky Horror" and the movie "Armageddon" but that's it.

            Once I went on this kick where I just read books about baseball. I read "Shoeless Joe" and "The Natural" and even a bunch of factual history books about when they made baseball and it was all in the 1800s so everything was brown and white, and they had those big bikes with the big front wheel and people wore silk scarves. I also read player biographies (mostly the kinds with big pictures and eighteen-point font. Hey, I'm only a few months old.). Then I realized, "Hey, I don't even like baseball. Why am I reading all these books about baseball?"

            It just goes to show you.

            I'm really cute! Please send me your women.

            Sometimes I conduct experiments. I want a chemistry set for my birthday. Right now I don't have any so I have to conduct human behavior experiments, like putting electrical wires on Laura's toothbrush and rearranging all the furniture while she's gone to screw with her head. If you notice a decline the quality of her articles that's why. I also conduct surveys like saying "I am the empress of Japan" and writing down what everyone says to that. Want to do a survey?

            I am fine. How are you? Please write back soon.

LOVE RAGS