Main Logo Gif

Top SEcRet iNfo AboUt tHe NeW SeQUeLS To tHE MaTrIX!!!

The Matrix was a cool movie. Even I think so, and I'm the jerk who doesn't like happiness because everyone else does. Orgasms are overrated yo. Misery is also too popular. For awhile I affected indifference, but now I'm going for "fatuous peturbation." Basically I try to look like a dumb guy who just smelled something nasty. The key is to get increasingly specific so that it'll take longer for the world to catch on.

          So I surprised everyone by thinking The Matrix was cool, even though they totally ripped off my long coat idea (unless I was created after that movie... if this article isn't topical, it's because I only came to life like two years ago and it takes time to catch up with every damn cultural phenomenon out there. Stupid culture.) But I had no hopes whatsoever for the sequel. I didn't even intend to go. But my creator dragged me on this trip with some jerk friends or something and she had to go see it, and she was like "You're coming too. I intend to fall asleep during this movie and I need something to be my pillow." And I was like "I am not your brainless cuddlemonkey!" And she was like "Quiet you." She had to sleep right through the restaurant scene, too. Like I needed more pain in my belly. Yuch.

          But this is not a review of The Matrix Reloaded. Laura doesn't know it but I've been sneaking away at night. Since we moved to the big city I've had lots of opportunities to hang out with the movers and shakers and shit like that. At least, their dolls. Did you know that Larry Wachowski sleeps with a twelve-inch Holly Hobbie named Candace? She dropped by one of the parties recently and man she is crazy. We were up all night shooting Billiards in a Box and drinking thimbles full of creme de menthe. I think she liked me best. And as dawn crept her rosy fingers through the sky, she told me things. Secret things.

          Apparently the information has leaked somehow that the next movie in the series is going to be called Matrix Revolution. But Candy knew much, much more than that. So now I'm offering you an EXCLUSIVE INSIDE LOOK at what's next for the Matrix legacy.

NOTE: Candy was wicked out of her mind on raspberry cordial, so this information may not be 100% correct. Also, rest assured that if anyone else has this top secret SPOILER info, I won't read their articles after I write my own, so you'll know that if my ideas have already appeared in print, it's a case of Candace being a slut and not me stealing from other yahoos. This is direct from the doll's lips to your computer yo.

Okay, so here goes.

Matrix Resolution: This is what I originally thought Candy said when she informed me of the third movie's title. Then I repeated it and she giggled "No, that's the FOURTH movie!" and we went into a whole Abbott and Costello routine which, I can assure you, was not fun at four o'clock in the morning, strung out on razberi Flirtinis. Anyway we finally got it straightened out and I was all pleased, like, "Well, at least we know that'll be the last one!" That's what I like about this catchy title, currently proposed for the fourth movie in the series: It boldly proclaims to the world, "Nothing more to see here! Move along!" Little did I know.

Matrix Reprise: Realizing from the poor box office revenues from the second and third and fourth movies that deviating from the original is where they went wrong, the directors have decided that the fifth movie will differ from the first only in minor details. For example, Trinity will be played by Alex Winter (Bill S. Preston Esq.)

Matrix Remade: Still not satisfied with the last movie's differences from the first Matrix, the sixth movie, Matrix Remade, will have the same actors, script, set, budget, special effects, editing, etc. of the first movie. It will more or less be the same movie, but it will be a different instance of the same movie.

Matrix Reunion: Of course, even when we're sure a series is done, there's always room to go back and drag it through the mud once more (see Star Wars, Terminator, Matr--oops.) I am told Matrix Reunion will be a lot like the Growing Pains reunion, where Maggie decided to run for some sort of office with hilarious results. Also all the girls had those flippy-pagoda hairstyles. I imagine Trinity will decide to run for governor of Zion. She will recruit Neo and Morpheus to help her. At first Morpheus won't want to because his Internet business is booming, but then his girlfriend (Ted McGinley) breaks up with him, he realizes the true meaning of friendship, and hops on board. Then they find out that their opponent is... Hugo Weaving! And he isn't afraid to fight dirty, running a smear campaign. But with her homegrown, grassroots, by-and-for-the-people campaign, Trinity wins over the hearts and minds of the people. Then, in a dramatic climax, Trinity is late for the big debate and Neo, who knows nothing about politics, makes a humorous speech to stall. In the end, they learn the true meaning of love when Morpheus tells Hugo Weaving, "We may not be related by blood, but you're the only family I've got." Then they hug and make out.

The Matrix Rereleased: The second highest revenues of the series will come when, finally, they rerelease the first movie.

I hope this will help you plan your cinema future. Just kidding; what do I care? Candace is gonna SO slap me for this, though, if she ever sees me again, so you better appreciate what I'm doing for you.

Rags Out!