If you wish to have a website hosted by Lance and Eskimo Dot Com (hereafter referred to as The Lance and Eskimo This Glorious Web Home Web Community) you must read and agree to the following conditions:
On the page called "Personal Information", we will ask you to choose your birth year from a pulldown menu. The list goes back to 1890. You will not choose this. You are not a freakin' one hundred and ten years old.
The following subjects are deemed "played out" by the administrators of The Lance and Eskimo This Glorious Web Home Web Community. Any content or graphics which seeks to humorously capitalize upon these subjects will be summarily removed without warning. This list may change at any time without warning. So just because the XFL isn't on the list yet, don't expect to find your "The XFL Ate My Balls" site up tomorrow morning. If a subject that interests you is on the list, don't worry. In ten years it will be camp, and it will again be deemed hilarious.*
THE LIST SO FAR:
monkeys (especially poop-flinging monkeys)
Ate My Balls
the Crocodile Hunter
VH1 Behind the Music
the fact that the Professor can build anything with coconuts
the comedy of misunderstanding
By submitting a web page to Lance and Eskimo This Glorious Web Home Web Community a world-wide, royalty-free, nonexclusive, worldwide, unrestricted license to use, copy, transmit, publicly display, publicly perform, create compilations including, and distribute such web page. That's right. Your eyes glazed over in the middle there, didn't they? That's why you didn't notice that you just granted us power to "publicly perform" your website. This includes street performance, where excerpts from your painfully confessional poetry is read in a funny voice by a guy in a pince-nez, and then a monkey poops on him.
You can not use The Lance and Eskimo This Glorious Web Home Web Community to distribute cracks, warez, spam, runes, spoots, worms, lugs, or spinches. We reserve the right to make up more funny words and ban them too.
THIS PART IS IN CAPITALS BECAUSE FOR WHATEVER REASON, PEOPLE NEVER READ THE PART OF THE CONTRACT THAT'S IN CAPITALS. SO LET'S GET DOWN TO THE REAL BUSINESS: THE PRODUCTS AND SERVICES WE MAY DESCRIBE SOMEWHERE ON THIS WEBSITE ARE TO NOT BE UNDERSTOOD AS A PROMISE OF ANY ACTUAL PRODUCTS AND SERVICES TO BE RENDERED. BASICALLY PAUL DOES ALL THE PROGRAMMING HERE AND HE'S BOTH LAZY AND STUPID SO ANY CLAIM WE MAKE IS TO BE UNDERSTOOD TO BE PRECEDED BY THE WORDS "WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF..." OR "TODAY IS OPPOSITE DAY AND IN THE SPIRIT OF THAT DAY..." WE DISCLAIM ANY WARRANTY FOR THE SECURITY, TIMELINESS, OR EXISTENCE OF OUR WEBSITE AND ANY OF ITS CONTENT. WE DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE OUR WEBSITE IS AND IF WE DID KNOW, WE WOULDN'T TELL YOU. WE RESERVE THE RIGHT, BUT NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY, TO MODIFY ALL YOUR PICTURES TO MAKE THEM REALLY STUPID, LIKE BY INEXPERTLY PHOTOSHOPPING ALAN ALDA'S FACE OVER YOURS, OR MAKING SOME WIND LINES COMING OUT OF SOMEONE'S BUTT THAT TERMINATE IN THE WORD "FART". IN ATTEMPTING TO DO THIS, WE MAY ACCIDENTALLY DELETE YOUR WHOLE SITE--IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE. ANYWAY, IF THIS HAPPENS, YOU HAVE TO JUST CHALK IT UP TO EXPERIENCE AND GO START A SITE ON GEOCITIES.
FURTHERMORE, BY READING AND SIGNING THIS AGREEMENT, BY WHICH WE MEAN NOT READING THIS AGREEMENT AND THEN PRESSING "I ACCEPT", YOU AGREE TO INDEMNIFY THE LANCE AND ESKIMO THIS GLORIOUS WEB HOME WEB COMMUNITY FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, TO SUPPORT US IF AND WHEN THIS WHOLE WEB THING DOESN'T WORK OUT FOR US, AND TO GIVE US AND OUR DESCENDENTS A PLACE TO CRASH WHEN WE CAN'T FIND WORK, WHICH WILL BE OFTEN, BECAUSE WE ARE A SHIFTLESS PEOPLE.