My Contribution to Bruce Campbell Week
Ah, what a lovely day it could have been. Another day lounging around at home reading P.G. Wodehouse and eating jam tarts. But that yankee doodle bastard Chefelf had to spoil it.
Onto the internet I come to find a mail from him stating that he and the other L&E contributors went to see Bruce Campbell. THEY WENT TO SEE BRUCE 'JEHOVAH' CAMPBELL and they didn't take ME. Oh, I know there's the whole me-living-on-the-other-side-of-the-world thing but if they'd all chipped in I could've been over there in less than 12 hours.
Let's take a look at who on the L&E team deserves most to meet Bruce Campbell.
Chefelf - read his autobiography.
Laura, Paul & Jacques - dunno. Presumably the same.
Me (Yahtzee) - wrote reviews for Army of Darkness and Evil Dead 2, designed a Flash movie with Bruce Campbell in the starring role, once publically announced he would want to bear the man's children and even has the same initials.
Judge for yourself, kind reader - they WENT TO SEE BRUCE CAMPBELL without ME. That's like going to visit Jesus but forgetting to bring the Pope along.
And just to put the crown on this whole insult, they sent photos of themselves with the great man himself, that great Demigod on Earth, holding up a mug and signing a banana amongst other things. Apparently, they say, they don't like having their true pictures shown on the Internet. Well, guess what, L&E chums - I don't care! Behold!
When L&E began publishing my writings and Laura did a little cartoon of me, and when Jacques mentioned my delectable rump in one of his articles, I felt like one of the gang. I felt like ... dare I say it ... they were my FRIENDS. Well, as far as I can see, this friendship is voided! Let it be known now that NO-ONE CROSSES YAHTZEE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!
Bruce? Can you hear me, Mr. Campbell? I hope you will read this 'cos Nate said he was gonna mail you about our site. I hope I have impressed you with my devotion to you, your humble servant, who really liked Maniac Cop and the bits of Maniac Cop 2 that you were in, who actually hasn't seen Evil Dead 1 because I heard you played a wussy character in it, and in return I hope you could do something for me. Firstly please go to the houses of my former friends and use your divine powers of manliness to bring down the wrath of the Gods upon their unholy bottoms. Also, please send me an autographed copy of your book because I intend to start a new religion round it. You can get my address out of Chefelf's computer after you've turned him into a pillar of salt or some shit.
Y'know, I once heard Laura say that your chin made you look like an incubus! Shocking, eh? And Paul only uses your book to read while he's in the bath! And he dropped it in once! What a flagrant disregard for consecrated materials! Bear that in mind!
Shit. I just realised this article makes me sound like a depraved stalker. Well, weak an argument as this may be, I'm not! I live in the UK for one thing! Can't stalk from another country! Also, I can't stalk while my night-vision goggles are being mended! Er, not that I own any night-vision goggles!