You see, this can be educational as well as fun.

Dream a little dream of me.

Those of you unfamiliar with the teachings of Sigmund Freud should be aware, before we go on, that old Freudy firmly believed that every dream you have (EVERY single CONCEIVABLE dream of ANY THEME WHATSOEVER) is to do with sex. Quite frankly, I wish my dreams could be a bit more open about it and actually involve the real thing, not constantly alluding to it with rabid dogs and being lost in supermarkets.

So then, Mr. Freud, let's apply your logic to that dramatic cliche of the Hollywood slasher flick, the dream sequence. Each example will deliver subject of dream, what the dream was supposed to mean, Freud's interpretation, and the suggested treatment. Then we'll see just how far off Siggy would have been.

THE FILM: An American Werewolf in London

THE DREAM: The American chap who was savaged by a werewolf (I forget his name) dreams that he is in his family home. The TV is showing The Muppet Show. His little brother and sister are watching. His mother prepares a meal. Someone knocks on the door, and the father answers. A horde of men in monster masks and Nazi outfits ransack the place, gun everyone down with automatic rifles and cut the main bloke's throat.

WHAT THE FILM MEANT: In the run-up to his transformation into a vicious man-eating creature of the night, Mr. American has various unsettling nightmares which prophesy the upcoming rampage.

WHAT FREUD SAYS IT MEANS: Clearly zis Yank iz zuffering from ze typical Oedipal complex, ja? Ze family home represents ze dreamer'z mother, and ze horde of murderouz monsterz represent hiz zubconsciouz urgez to invade or 'penetrate' hiz mother. Ze children and ze Muppet Show represent the innocence of youth, vich as you vill notice, die as ze penetration takez place. Ze effentual death of ze dreamer representz ze orgasm, ze final nihilism, az alvays.

SUGGESTED TREATMENT: Take up a new hobby. Go out and meet new people.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Pretty much the above.

THE FILM: Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers

THE DREAM: The little girl who goes mad at the end is in her bedroom. Lightning flashes outside. She sees her uncle, the mad psycho serial killer Mikey Myers, in the mirror behind her, wearing his usual blank-faced mask.

WHAT THE FILM MEANT: This girl has a sort of telepathic link with her unbalanced relative. The dream prophesied his return, as advertised in the title, which was coming up pretty soon.

WHAT FREUD SAYS IT MEANS: Ze little fraulein iz clearly dreaming ze usual zuppressed rape fantazy. She subconsciously vishes zat zome anonymouz man (hiz anonymity portrayed by ze blank-faced mask) vould invade (penetrate) ze private inner sanctum of her bedroom, vich obviously represents her uterus, vich vill alvays remain her 'private' 'inner sanctum'.

SUGGESTED TREATMENT: She is obviously too repressed and exposed to unhappiness, and probable violence, in the home. A change of scenery would do her good.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Mikey Myers turned up and started slashing people left, right and centre. Eventually he gets shot and thrown down a mine shaft. Then the girl goes all possessed on us and kills someone. Pff, kids.

THE FILM: A Nightmare On Elm Street (I love that film)

THE DREAM: Teenage girl is stalked in her dreams by a heavily burned man wearing a hat, sweater and claws on one hand. She is pulled into his grasp and slaughtered with said claws. Subject died in real life, apparently savaged by a set of claws.

WHAT THE FILM MEANT: Freddy Kreuger, dream spirit, hunted her down and killed her from within her dream, to exact revenge on the people who murdered him.

WHAT FREUD SAID IT MEANS: Obfiously zis iz a tricky von. I vould guess zat it'z another subconsciouz rape fantazy. Ze man obviouzly representz the girl'z father. Ze stalking representz ze control he exacted over her. Ze sweater and hat vere probably remnantz of ze memory she haz of him. Ze knives are ze grasping hand vich clung her back from escaping hiz influence. Ze horrible burns are probably zome unconscious desire to hurt ze patriarch. Ze fact zat she actually did die in real life iz ze business of ze coroner, not me.

SUGGESTED TREATMENT: The subject should be autopsied, embalmed and kept in a wooden box underground for an indefinite amount of time.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: The girl's soul became the property of Freddy Kreuger and was used to torment her friend, who was also a target of the K-man.

OK.

Er...

He was very over-rated, Sigmund Freud. That's why he changed his name to Emma and became full-time rhyming slang.

This little slice o'heaven brought to you by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw.