Kick Arse
Message Board
Yes or No?


Yes, good question. Are you a serial killer? I appreciate a lot of serial killers have no problem answering that question, but a few of the unhinged ones who take orders from their goldfish and kill people whose names coincide with the name of their ex-girlfriends may have some difficulty producing the answer. So for the benefit of all those, and for any normal people who worry about this sort of thing, here's a simple test.

1. How many people have you killed in the last month?
None, unless animals count, in which case, three.
None, unless prostitutes count, in which case, one.
Twenty-seven, unless foreigners count, in which case, twenty-nine.
Fourteen, unless dairy products don't count, in which case, two.

2. What do you usually wake up wearing?
Stripey pyjamas with your initials monogrammed on the breast pocket that make you look like the prat you are.
A thin layer of sweat after the usual nightmare.
Blood on your hands and the skin off the back of a cheerleader.
A fig leaf and a colander on your head.

3. (Men only) What best describes your significant other?
About 5'4", longish hair, bumps in appropriate places.
Girlfriend? What girlfriend? I never touched her! She went missing! It was an accident!
Very stiff, and oddly unresponsive.
She's about a foot tall, green, and she - oh wait, that's jelly.

4. How's your mother these days?
She lives in Billingsgate and has a touch of arthritis.
Mother? What mother? I never had a mother! She ran away before I was born! And I never touched her! She fell down the stairs!
Mother's just not herself today. Oh yes. Just not herself.
She lives in a minivan on Mars with a horse called Don.

5. How do you usually dress?
Jeans, t-shirt, stuff.
Black. Lots and lots of black.
Anything really, just so long as it incorporates a mask somewhere, and possibly a thin layer of something that belongs in someone else.
A red and white gingham dress and army boots.

6. Where do you work?
McDonalds. Kill me now.
The post office. Kill me now.
A little shack in the middle of the woods with a tool shed - oh, you mean professionally? The post office.
In a bucket of hair gel on the top deck of the QE2.

7. If you had to be stranded on a desert island, what and who would you take with you?
A laptop and Cindy Crawford.
A shotgun and your mother.
A chainsaw and a group of screaming cheerleaders.
A set of crayons and Little Jimmy Osmond.

8. What's your opinion on cheerleaders?
Give me two cheerleaders, a pit of jelly and an obvious lack of a spoon and I'm set for life.
I'm not allowed to think about that sort of thing.
They must be destroyed. The nylon people say so.
I think they smell like widdle on Tuesdays.

9. Where were you on the night of the fifteenth of May?
I think I was asleep.
Er ... what he said.
Why, I was out cutting the throats of anyone wearing green, officer. Why do you ask?
In an alleyway behind a strip club, searching dustbins for used pencils.

10. Who do you see as a good role model?
Stephen Hawking. Minus the chair obviously.
LeStat. He's such a snappy dresser.
Jason, Michael, Freddy, you know, all the cool ones.
Bonko, the Low-Flying Piranha.

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