Now I'm a REAL Internet writer.
Now all I have to do is use more
OK, all writers on the Net have to rant every now
and again. So I am going to rant. I am going to deliver as many
thoughts as I can come up with.
You know what I hate? Sugar coating. Which is not
to say I am the self-styled nemesis of jam doughnuts. I'm using
sugar coating in the figurative sense.
I'm referring here to trying to hide nasty things
from children and innocents. Everyone does it. Take TV. In
England you're not allowed to swear or show bouncing boobies
before nine p.m. in the evening. Er, why? Why, when, in these
enlightened times, your average child (a) swears like a
particularly spiteful sailor and (b) is a known patron of the
local open-minded top-shelf newsagent? There's no POINT anymore
in trying to conceal the real world from the toddling tots.
Go back in time a few hundred years and small
children were practically slaves. A few thousand years and
they're spearing gazelles. Sometimes I want to intercept the
signal of popular children's programming and replace it with,
say, Evil Dead 2. Every child is someday going to have to face up
to the fact that, in the real world, people bleed when they're
hit, and that large animals cannot be stored in small red and
white balls. The best thing to do is hand them a newspaper and
order them to read it. Then cut off the heads of their favourite
pet and shove their little crying faces in the stumps, saying
"See that? That's LIFE. Get over it."
Now if that doesn't produce socially
well-adjusted children, I don't know what will.
And another thing - why is the watershed fixed at
9pm? This smacks too much of trying to control the populace. The
evil government are trying to make all the kids go to bed at the
same time. In essence the big boys upstairs are saying
"Well, you COULD let your kids stay up a bit late, but
that'd make you a bad parent, wouldn't it?" It pisses me
off. Especially 'cos most kids that don't stay up past 9 anyway
are either too young or too retarded to care about violence or
I consider myself a fan of the horror genre, and
the other day I went to my favourite second-hand video shop
("lowest prices in Warwickshire!") and purchased a copy
of Hellraiser for a cool £3.99. Then I went home and watched it.
It's a good film, I heartily recommend it. An
interesting tangent from the 'slasher' landslide of the 1980's.
But there was something nagging me about the opening credits.
Y'see, they had the usual sort of heavy bass opening theme horror
films have, and as the first few credits appear and disappear you
can instantly tell the music is building up to something. And it
does. It builds up to a crescendo. Now, I know my horror films,
and I know for a fact that crescendos at this stage always lead
to the opening title. So I was expecting the word 'Hellraiser' to
appear in a big red serifed font as the music dithered up.
But wait! The music was closing in on the
crescendo fast, and some nobody credit is still on-screen! You
always need a dramatic pause before the crescendo and title, and
this sequence was cutting it a bit fine to say the least! Credit
disappears. Good. Another one appears. WTF?! It's the make-up
artist! As it appears it suddenly becomes clear that the music is
gonna crash down like a mighty wave on the MAKE-UP ARTIST. Now,
I'm no director, but surely everyone knows that a big crescendo
at that stage has to produce the opening title?
Maybe I'm being petty, but for some reason that
bothered me. It nagged me all through the film. I was still able
to enjoy the bits where the Frank character got torn to pieces by
hooks on chains, and the bit where Pinhead speaks the film's tag
line: "WE WILL TEAR YOUR SOUL APART!" But I just know
that if I'm ever called upon to describe it I'm going to have to
say "Yeah, it was a great film, but they reached a crescendo
on the make-up artist!!" and be taken for a complete weirdo.
I want to close this rant with a bit of advice:
Always read the credits. I have gotten into the habit of reading
the credits at the end of a film. Did you know that Pinhead, at
this stage in the Hellraiser series, was listed as "Lead
Cenobite"? See, you can pick up all sorts of snippets of
movie trivia by reading the credits. And there's always some nice
music to listen to. I particularly recommend the credits after
Wes Craven's New Nightmare. A most challenging read.
This little slice o'heaven brought to you by Ben