Yummy yummy yummy, I've got a hostile life-form in my tummy.

Sigourney who?

You know, being the international dashing adventurer that I am, I occasionally pick up the odd bit of advice from passing wise men, women and, in one memorable case, dogs. I've also been forced to eat some things that you probably wouldn't even deign to look at without turning the corners of your mouth downwards and going 'BLEURRGH' in a mock vomit.

The following recipe I picked up from a passing wise man in Roswell, New Mexico. They have this weird kind of vermin there that breed like bacteria and have been eviscerating cows left and right, so the locals hire a special man to catch them, who sells them as food for a handsome profit.

The recipe has a couple of mutations which I added after trying it out a few times in the rough plains of New Mexico.

BARBECUED FACE HUGGER
(A popular local delicacy of Roswell, New Mexico)

YOU WILL NEED:

One face hugger
One roasting pan or large flat rock
One large barrel of industrial-grade antacid
Welding gloves and mask
250g butter or margarine
100g breadcrumbs
50g sage
One chopped onion
One chopped tomato
One whole lemon
Knife, fork and spoon
Baseball bat (Preferably wooden)
Several nine-inch nails
Blowtorch

Serves 4, or one extremely hungry young globe-trotter.
Preparation time - Approx. 15 hours

1. Subdue your face hugger with the baseball bat. As well as making the creature less inclined to tear your face off, this also tenderizes the meat. Always keep the baseball bat on hand in case it wakes up during the process.

2. Soak all utensils and protective gear in antacid, but make sure there is plenty left over. Put on the gloves and mask.

3. Repent sins.

4. Using your fork make a hole in each of the legs just above the knuckle, then in the main shell over the face hugger's back. Slice off the tail and cauterize the wound with the blowtorch. DON'T TOUCH ANY SECRETIONS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

5. Leave the face hugger to marinate in the antacid for thirteen hours. Pass the time by making faces at it.

6. Hang the face hugger on a clothes line or similar for another hour to dry off the excess antacid. Preheat the oven to gas mark 8, or suspend your large flat rock about eight inches over your campfire.

7. Place your face hugger upside-down on the rock/roasting pan and nail it on by the tail stump and at least four of the limbs. I find that it generally comes back to life at this stage so give it another couple of solid whacks with the baseball bat.

8. Remove everything from the exposed soft fleshy bits that are still moving. Whatever you do, don't forget to remove the little green blobby thing between the fourth vertebrae and the feeding tube.

9. Loosen everything that remains with a fork and spoon.

10. Make an incision along both the big brown wobbly things. Scoop out all the sludge within and replace it with a mixture of the sage, onion, breadcrumbs, tomato and butter/margarine.

11. Cook the face hugger for about an hour, or until the feeding tube stops producing the lumpy brown stuff. I wasn't kidding about the little green blobby thing, by the way. If you haven't removed it you'll die at this point. At best.

12. Clean off the lumpy brown stuff as best you can. It won't harm you but it's not that appealing. Garnish with slices of lemon.

13. Yummy! Eat with a spoon and fingers! You can eat everything except the hard bony bits of the legs and the shell, which works as a very suitable bowl.

Eat several face huggers and you could give the shells to your children for them to paint and make into masks! If they do, it is vitally important that you have cleaned off all the lumpy brown stuff. Please don't ignore this advice or you'll die. At best.

Face hugger makes a delicious alternative to the usual boring old burgers and sausages at barbecues. Also, why not try them instead of turkey at Christmas? After all, it ensures that everyone gets a leg. For a yuletide face hugger, use a supermarket brand of pork stuffing, and baste the creature in a mixture of the lumpy brown stuff and chicken stock. If you take this option the face hugger will make its own gravy. But don't eat it with cranberry sauce or you'll die. At best.

This little slice o'heaven brought to you by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw.