If one thing can be said about Osama bin Laden itís that he likes to put out hilariously wacky home videos of himself. Noticing this tendency, the all too lovable and informative CNN was quick to capitalize upon it. Purchasing the syndication rights from Al-Jazeera along with a brand new pilot, CNN (realizing that it was never altogether comfortable in the field of objective news reporting) prepares to embark upon a new venture.
Despite his busy schedule, Osama bin Laden now finds himself on camera yet again in a brand new situation comedy due to air on CNN sometime later this year.
Despite the obviously hush hush nature of the show, portions of the highly confidential ďtop secretĒ season opener transcript can be found floating about the Internet. Nevertheless, Lance and Eskimo Dot Comís very own Jacques is the only one who has thus far been able to piece together a comprehensive overview of the Osama bin Laden pilot episode!
Working titles for the show include:
The Osama Show!
Osama ní Friends
The Osama Experience
East and West meet in this hilarious new situation comedy from the producers of Friends... Who Like to Kill People; Frasier, Whom We Would Like to Kill; and Target: Will & Grace.
Osama bin Laden as Osama bin Finklestein
Ayman al-Zawahiri as Ayman Goldman
Mohammed Atef as Elaine Feinstein
Yasser Arafat as Schmuel Bernstein
Saddam Hussein as Saddam Newman
Michael Richards as Kramer
[Interior. Osamaís cave. Osama and Ayman sit on the floor.]
Ayman: This thing for CNN will never work. Theyíve all been done already... We need a new gimmick to work around... something...
Osama: Iíve got it!
Ayman: Youíve got it?
Osama: Iíve got it!
Ayman (excitedly): Heís got it! What? What is it?
Osama: Iíve got it. How about we wage a war... about nothing!
Ayman: A war about nothing.
Osama: A war... about nothing.
Ayman: Great, a war about nothing. What do you mean? Covert or something?
Osama: We just go on and wage a war... over nothing.
Ayman: Like killing the infidels?
Osama: No, no. Nothing at all like that.
Ayman: I still donít understand.
Osama: What did you do the other day?
Ayman: I blew up an American embassy.
Osama: You see! Right there. We can make a war about that. That, my friend, could be a war.
Ayman: What, nothing?
Ayman: Nothing. And we could even incorporate some subplot about a miscreant butler... who has an affair... with the gardenerís wife!
Osama: But youíre missing the whole point of the war.
Ayman: You mean we wage a war for absolutely no reason at all?
Osama: Exactly. Absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Ayman: Absolutely nothing?
Osama: Absolutely nothing.
[Door flies open and Kramer slides in.]
Kramer (explaining as hands flail about): Youíll never guess what I just saw. I was coming down the street and all of a sudden BAM out of nowhere I saw a female earlobe.
Ayman: What do you mean you saw a female earlobe?
Kramer: I saw a woman walking down the street with her earlobe just hanging out in plain view!
Osama: Just hanging out there?
Kramer: Just hAAAANging out there! I nearly lost it Osama. This earlobe was magnificent. It was all pink and bulbous...
Osama: Thatís amazing. What did you do?
Kramer: Well I stoned her. But man was that some earlobe.
Ayman: Why canít I ever see an earlobe? Just once, Iíd like to see an earlobe.
Osama: Oh, stop it.
Ayman: A woman walks down the street with her earlobe just hanging out in plain view, and he sees it! This is not fair. Thatís my life.
Osama: You can see mine.
Ayman: But itís just not the same.
Kramer (getting a drink): So, whatíve you guys been talking about?
Osama: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Ayman: Itís an idea for a war we had.
Osama: Excuse me?
Osama: Oh, now ďweĒ came up with this notion.
Ayman: Yes, we came up with this notion.
Osama: I think I came up with this notion.
Ayman: Fine. Take all the credit. I sat here too you know. You just got lucky. You got lucky. We were both on the same track you know! We were working together! Weíre a team Osama, a team!
Osama: Fine, we came up with it together.
Kramer: A war about nothing, eh?
Osama: Absolutely nothing.
[Pause as Kramer skeptically takes this in.]
Kramer: We can blame it on their treatment of Iraq.
Ayman: We canít blame it on their treatment of the Iraq.
Kramer: Well why not?
Ayman: We donít even like Iraq. How we canít blame it on Iraq.
Kramer: We donít like Iraq?
Ayman: Not the last time I checked.
Kramer: Huh... Well then blame it on the Jews. Iíve never liked the Jews. Weíve got to do something with the Jews. They leave a bad taste in my mouth. [puckers his mouth and licks his lips disgustedly] Ahhh. How about a war over the Jews still existing?
Ayman: No! Absolutely no point to it at all! Thatís the beauty of it. You see, we just wage war over nothing at all.
Osama: Well weíll definitely have to do something about Israel and Iraq. Thatís just obvious. I mean, we canít just have Israel around.
Ayman: What? Youíre making reasons now. This defeats the whole purpose of going to war Osama! There are boundaries in war Osama! Boundaries! We start making excuses and the next thing we know weíve got a purpose for the war! A purpose! And then we donít know what the hell weíre doing anymore! Boundaries colliding Osama! BOUNDARIES COLLIDING!
Osama: But come on, Israel? It would just mess everything up. Weíve got to do something about Israel. I mean, the Jews? What are they still doing around? The Jewish government doesnít even sponsor the killing of children or flying of planes into buildings. Where are their values? What could they be thinking? And we canít openly endorse any country that doesnít have a beard to person ratio of at least one for every two people. Did you see the guy who flew the plane into that building? What was up with that guy? He didnít even have a beard. And the U.S. wonít even let Iraq gain advances in nuclear science. Whatís the deal with that? Israel and Iraq are definitely on our list of U.S. grievances.
Kramer: Kashmir, throw Kashmir in too.
Osama: Iím not going to throw in Kashmir.
Kramer (whining): Oh, come on Osama! Come on!
Osama: When you start your own jihad, then you can do whatever you want with Kashmir.
Kramer: AAAAHHHH fine, be that way! [Kramer convulses in a huff and storms over to the kitchenette.]
[Saddam Newman walks in.]
Osama (suspiciously): Saddam.
Saddam (suspiciously): Osama.
Osama: Whatís he doing here?
Kramer: Get this Osama, Saddam and I are going to start dealing in Anthrax.
Osama: Whatís with you and Anthrax?
Kramer: Everybodyís talking about it and we want in. With Saddamís connections in biology and the post office, weíre going places baby.
Osama (sarcastically): Oh really?
Kramer: Oh, you can count on it. And weíre also going to start a new line of bacteria called ďKramer and SaddamĒ.
Osama (sarcastically): Oh yeah, this sounds like a good idea.
Saddam: I thought it was supposed to be ďSaddam and KramerĒ.
Kramer: Weíll work on it. Come on. Gidyup.
[Kramer and Saddam Newman depart.]
Ayman: Well, thatís it for me. Iím off.
Osama: I donít know. Iíve got a huge problem. I just donít want to go home.
Ayman: Problem. What problem?
Osama: I forgot my 4th wifeís name.
Ayman: You forgot your wifeís name? How can you have forgotten your wifeís name?
Osama: I donít know. Everything happened so fast. And then we were married... and I couldnít ask then.
Ayman: Nooo. You canít ask now.
Osama: I know. What am I going to do? Iím a dead man.
Ayman: You could just beat her.
Osama: I could do that.
Ayman: I wish I had a wife to beat.
Osama: Thereís nothing wrong with having a wife to beat.
Ayman: Thatís what people have wives for.
Osama: Having a wife to beat is good.
Ayman: Wives are meant to be beaten.
Osama: What other possible reason could people have a wife for?
Ayman: You mean to say that no one ever told you her name and you never asked?
Osama: All I can remember is that it rhymes with an obscene part of the female anatomy.
Ayman: Obscene part of the female anatomy?
Osama: Obscene part... of the female anatomy.
Ayman: Oh, at this I am the master. Letís see now... Joe-nail?... Ree-cap?...
Osama: No, no, it was higher up.
Ayman: Omarm? Cuticula? Nolder? Sty-brows?
Osama: No, no...
Ayman: Melbow! Was it Melbow?
Osama (sarcastically thinking): Mmmm.... I think Iíll just beat her.
[Cut to video sequence of Osama in front of Al-Jazeera reporters and roll credits.]
Osama: You know what I hate about Americans?... What I hate is that theyíre always so annoying. You ever wonder why Americans are so annoying? ďYou shouldnít mistreat women, you shouldnít kill people, you shouldnít blow up nursery schools in IsraelĒ.... What I want to know is if Americans value freedom so much, why is it they canít have more than one wife? Thatís why theyíre such jerks; because theyíre so sexually repressed...
[Pause for audience response.]
Donít you hate it when youíre beating your wife... and you throw out your back? I mean, you know youíve got to bend with your legs... but you canít efficiently beat your wife without really putting some back into it. If you want to be an efficient wife beater, then youíre just going to have to bend. Thereís just no getting around the bending aspect. You never see an efficient wife beater without back problems, you ever notice that?... You can always tell a wife beater on the street from the way he walks. See some guy on the street... wife beater? ďYup.Ē You know, bending at the knees would really help that... Or, you know you could just solve the whole problem by getting women to stand up straight while youíre beating them. But then thereís that whole problem again. Because if theyíre not standing up, how do you get them to stand up?... You beat them. But they canít stand up while youíre beating them... Thatís why you just canít win with women.
Funky Bassline: Bum, Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum: Ploink