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    Just Ask Jeeves

    The Internet used to be very popular. I suppose it still retains some charm. But I remember a time when people didnít laugh at other people just because they owned stock in Internet companies or worked for an Internet company. And then, all that Internet crap got sucked right back into that giant capitalist ass that is America. Honestly, I can say I saw it coming. The signs were everywhere.

    All you really had to do was Ask Jeeves. And I did.

    Tell me your darkest secrets so I can suggest them to others.

    Ask Jeeves was supposed to be some search engine where all you have to do is type in a question in sentence form and get an answer. I remember the excitement surrounding it. Of course, this was clearly the greatest thing on the face of the planet.

    I diligently prepared a list of questions: "Jeeves, whatís the meaning of life?"; "Jeeves, where do people go when they die?"; "Jeeves, whoís going to win the Superbowl this year?"; "Jeeves, how do cowís feel about explosive diarrhea?"; "Jeeves, why does the sky talk to good children?"; "Jeeves, a very white man once told me that all Jamaicans are gay, but, if all Jamaicans are gay, then where are all of these Jamaicans coming from?"; "Jeeves, if the dinosaurs knew so much about quantum mechanics, why didnít they simply design a machine that would have taken them into the future?"; "Jeeves, how do I take over the world?"; "Jeeves, how do I perform open-heart surgery?"; "Jeeves, is this statment true or false: ĎThis statement is falseí?"; "Jeeves, how can I ask this girl, I really like, out on a date without having her get all Ďoh, I think Iím busy all this monthí or freaked out or something?"; "Jeeves, I did what you told me, but I somehow screwed it up, what do I do now?"; "Jeeves, do you love me?"; "Oh God Jeeves, I really did it this time; Iíve still got blood all over my hands; itís dripping on the keyboard; what do I do; for the love of God, what do I do?!!!"; "Jeeves, if you know everything, then why...

    But then, I noticed something brilliant. Not only can I ask questions, but Jeeves actually suggests questions that other people have asked! Examining this list, I came upon something I just had to know. Someone before me had indeed asked a pertinent question. Before I could type any of my questions, I honestly began wondering to myself: "Jeeves, whereís the best place to live?"

    The answer? You guessed it: Black Pussy.

    Perhaps this was a significant sign of the Internetís demise. I was fairly certain that Black Pussy is not one of the best places to live.

    But then, I started to question my initial hesitation. Iíve always made mention of the fact that had I ever committed a crime that required flight from the law and was required to blindly flee to a random location, chances are Iíd end up somewhere like Pussy, Arkansas. Or Reefer, California (next to the Shasta Mountains).

    I began to doubt myself and wonder. Perhaps a Black Pussy, as Jeeves had suggested, isnít the worst place to live after all. I suppose there are worse places. Such as a Cowís Anus. I mean, a Black Pussy would seem awfully cramped at first, but throw in a little wallpaper, add some cushions, perhaps an assload of air freshener, and maybe it wouldnít be so bad after all. I suppose the next question to Jeeves would have to be "Silly Jeeves, how do I live in a Black Pussy?" And then "Jeeves, how do I make a Black Pussy habitable?" And then "Jeeves, how do I redecorate a Black Pussy?" And then "Jeeves, whatís a fair market value for a Black Pussy and how do I negotiate prices if Iím contemplating owning or leasing my very own Black Pussy?"; "Jeeves, assuming Iím a Black lady in possession of my own Black Pussy, am I a good place to live (for myself that is), or would I have to find another Black Pussy to inhabit, and could I rotate habitation with the possessor of the Black Pussy that I would consider my abode, and is any of this at all hygenic?" Is there a Black Pussy buyers guide somewhere? "Jeeves, can I live in a Black Pussy if Iím under 18?"

    Maybe Jeeves is like a genie, and his answers are correct according to Jeevesís own diabolical interpretation. Like "Jeeves, how do I fly?" And then Jeeves responds: "Just rub marmalade on your chest and chant gibberish for exactly 3 minutes. Smell your left foot and rub your head. Then jump off the nearest building and you will be able to fly." And then you jump off the building only to discover that you can fly for about 6 seconds. But then, I suppose the time youíd spend in the air would depend on the height of the building, wind, etc... (all those things Jeeves would most certainly have calculated for).

    But then, putting all of this foolishness aside, I realized something: isnít our time in the womb one of the most comforting experiences of our lives? And arenít so many psychologists always proposing our desire to return to it so urgently? My God. Jeeves was right... Jeeves was right. Sometimes, weíre just too stubborn to accept the wisdom that doesnít live up to our expectations, or that weíre not yet ready or willing to accept. But Jeeves was right.

    Why a "Black" Pussy? Because itís, without a doubt, the best place to live. Why? Because Jeeves says so. Itís not my place to answer. But why a Black Pussy? Well, thatís just something weíll have to ask Jeeves now, isnít it?

    Ed. Note: Poor Jeeves has since been "revised" from telling the truth because it was simply too much for his creators to accept. Since the writing of this article, "Black Pussy" is no longer in Jeeveís "best places to live" listing. But perhaps "Enlarge Your Penis 5 Inches!!!" still is.



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