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  • Jacques Talk

    Little did I realize at the time that the latest news headline would have a direct bearing on L&E itself:

    Pakistan and some school in Texas the only two organizations to currently recognize the Talibanís authority in Afghanistan.

    It has recently come to my attention that a certain article of mine has caused the 3 day suspension of one of our readers. That article may or may not be this one.

    Or, then again, it may be this one.

    For reasons of anonymity, this personís online pseudonym will be kept confidential. The name "Jacques" will be used in place of theirs. Nevertheless, I am not committing to the fact that the person who was suspended was not in fact named Jacques. That would be a simple enough way of narrowing down the suspects until their true identity was revealed, but itís a mystery. As such, all facts in this article will be manipulated accordingly in order to protect this personís identity and the actual nature of this case and article.

    In any case, Iím so excited that someone actually studied my article so carefully and took it so seriously; responding so passionately. Itís like having a fan who hates me. Iíve never had that kind of devotion.

    Apparently, this school principal used the word perverse 3 times. One day of suspension for each time the word "perverse" was used. Thatís very symbolic in a biblical sort of way I think.

    It kind of reminds me of the time God was going to spare Sodom and Gomorra for the sake of a few good men, but then decided not to because they were practicing sodomy and gomorray. Iíve always wondered about Gomorra, the sound of which always puts me in mind of unholy diarrheic practices. The name just seems to splash right out there like some sort of a mushy diarrheal shit-porridge.

    If I was forced to choose between living in Sodom or Gomorra (for tax purposes) Iíd probably choose Sodom because at least I have some clear idea of what was going on there. Iíd just be hiding in a shawl all day and if some good looking guy came running by, Iíd just point and go "over there, get him!" and then chuckle to myself. Gomorra might just be like some episode of The Twighlight Zone where it takes a while for you to figure out that something is wrong and then, all of a sudden, people start shitting on each other or something. I like surprises, but Iíd probably have to pass on that one. In that sense, if any of you are worried about invoking Godís wrath, the two places Iíd stay away from are prison and Germany... and Amsterdam. Theyíre due for a divine overhaul (as far as depravity goes). Also, I wouldnít get too attached to this website, the reading of which can get you arrested, caned, or murdered in certain locales.

    Getting back to the article I wrote, I myself was a bit skeptical at first about the articleís supposed "depravity" until I gave up counting the number of swears and implied sodomistic instances. The "Behind the Scenes of The Muppet Show" series unearthed quite a few harsh truths about the Muppets despite my own personal aversion to vulgarity. But these things needed to be said. Kids need ideas for things to do at home, and, after fire-juggling, the ideas television has been giving them have just been getting weaker and weaker. With new medical advances raising the life expectancy, how else are we going to trim down the current population explosion but with kids experimenting in fire-juggling, ax-juggling, unicycle riding, and sodomy?

    Sodomy is certain to get the attention of God. One day, Heíll just be humming to himself and then do a double take and be like "what the fuck are they doing down there!?!"

    What the fuck are we doing down here? Letís examine the offensive article:

    A quick run-through of "Behind the Scenes of The Muppet Show - Part 2" reveals (at first glance) 12 variations of the universally designated vulgarity "Fuck".

    6 variations on the milder vulgarity "Ass".
    One use of the phrase "up his ass"
    One use of the phrase "up their ass"
    One use of the phrase "up there" [with an implied destination of "ass"]
    Two uses of the phrase "up my ass"
    One use of the phrase "out of my ass"

    On top of this, itís safe to say that the involvement of Fraggles most likely played a key role in this issue (not to mention occasional references to a Muppet cast memberís fondness for young oriental boys).

    I wouldnít want to have to be the one to tell God about that one. "What the fuck is going on down there? I mean, didnít I make rules about this? Do I need to draw you people maps? That doesnít go there! I thought natural selection was supposed to take care of those morons! In my day, we had some rules about this."

    And then God would have to deal with all of those people suddenly dying with Fraggles stuck up their ass and a variety of sex toys poking out of them. "Do I really have to mess things up with 11 commandments? Thatís just ugly. I mean, canít they infer just a little bit? Do I really have to say: though shalt not stick Fraggles up thine ass! My God people, use some common sense! And then, when I say that, do I also have to clarify that I donít mean to kill those people but just remove the fucking Fraggles from their ass! When they get here, I donít want to see Fraggles poking out of them! Whatever they do on their own time is cool with me, but come on! I donít need to see that! Donít make me put my foot down on this one! I would have figured that this is a pretty obvious commandment I didnít actually have to deal with directly in the bible! Canít people just use some common sense? I mean, okay: once? Fine. Experimentation is fine with me. But this is not a fashion statement people! If I give you people manna, then there are always those one or two jokers whoíll just be sticking it up their ass too. Why do humans have to be so fucking curious? I canít win!"

    Fascinating. This, I realized, is something the news media must now get involved in, spreading the word and giving children around the world ideas and inspiration to capitalize upon. If I can get just one ten year old to stick a Fraggle up their ass, all of my efforts will have been worth it.

    Calling up a major newspaper with this information, they immediately jumped at the idea of the story "Student Suspended for Reading Depraved Article". It has been a pretty slow month for news when you think about it.

    Major Newspaper (quick to ask): Was the article in poor taste?

    Me: Of course it was. I wrote it.

    The good thing about calling this principal a dick and saying whatever I want to about him is I canít really be sued for slander seeing as I donít in fact know anything about this person. I donít even know that he exists. Perhaps he actually is a giant penis that simply walks erect like a man. Chances are, Iíd have heard of such a man on the news. But, then again, they are awfully busy reporting on more important things nowadays, like me writing depraved articles on the rectal insertion of Fraggles.

    I didnít know whether to feel proud or ashamed for getting this person suspended, but, above all, I am flattered that someone took the time to read my article, bitch about it to someone else, and then suspend them. It kind of makes me feel powerful. The next step, of course, is to get this person expelled, executed, and sent to hell. I love a challenge.

    This article is dedicated to Jacques.



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