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  • Paul Says
    L&EPaulEmail

    A New Contest!

    My recent unjustified polemic against the USA PATRIOT act has aroused a slew of one to two emails all but accusing me of being "soft on terrorism" and demanding my immediate incarceration in Camp X-Ray to await my secret military trial. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of Lance and Eskimo, who don't share my opinions because they don't exist. I'd also really like to take back anything I said that may have wrongly portrayed the FBI in a negative light-- for instance, if I implied that they're a lot better at harassing animal rights activists and Martin Luther King than at detecting actual wrongdoing, and if I further implied that the actor who played an FBI guy in "All the President's Men" had really nasty sideburns, I apologize. And if I never mentioned any of those things, I apologize for bringing them up now. I'd really like to make up to you guys, because Jacques is always forwarding me really nasty porn email he gets, and I don't want you guys to think I'm a pervert when you're reading my email with Carnivore.

    In war, it becomes really unpopular to criticize anything the government is doing, especially if they claim it's "patriotic," even if it's just about the opposite of patriotic. Civil liberties can get stomped on, and the judicial system can get turned on its ear and racial profiling can become the norm and no one complains. I think that shows a depressing lack of trust in the American system. Are our freedoms really our problem? And what's America without the freedoms we cherish? Just a really big country with Christina Aguilera in it, which means it's only 66% as good as before.

    But anyway, that's just my naiive take on things. Political commentary isn't my forte. I'm best at inane little Flash films and contests and stuff. I promise, from now on, no more politics! Just frivolity.

    With that in mind, I'd like to present my feature for today - a contest!

    The L&E "GUESS THE NEXT IMPOSITION ON AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTY" MEGA-CONTEST GIVEAWAY!

    First prize is an L&E mug! Second through infinity-eth prizes are a lifetime supply of Jacques's forwarded porn emails! Enter today! Just guess the next unilateral declaration by Ashcroft that crushes a cherished American freedom!

    All late-night talk show hosts who make fun of Bush must preface their joke with the admission, "Of course, I'm just a simple terrorist, but I think..."

    Democratic Party name officially changed to "Smell-O-Cratis Party"

    Govt. has right to change anyone's first name to "Osama bin" if they can demostrate "reasonable cause" to believe that it would be funny

    Right to trial rescinded (oops, already done!)

    Smell-O-Cratic party name officially changed to "Terror-Cratic Party"

    Japanese to be interned in camps again (just for fun)

    right to attorney-client confidentiality rescinded (oops, already done!)

    Bush given right to sleep with any maiden that he sees on his morning ride through his lands

    right to not be secretly executed rescinded (oops, already done!)

    Ashcroft given giant prosthetic bat wings and goes on tour of country, killing first born in every house without blood on the lintel

    *

    L&EPaulEmail

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