by Sun Priestess Laura Starsong
If you know one thing about Laura by now, it's that, in addition to having no astrological skills whatsoever to recommend her, she is really, really lazy. This is the one character trait known universally by all those whose lives she has graced. Some know nothing else about her except possibly that she is corrupting their children. Therefore, it would be foolish to assume that she intends to keep up a horoscope page which must be updated every month, week, or, in some extreme cases, daily. Like, hyu-uh!
So what, one might ask, is she going to do? The solution is simple. Besides having identical futures, everyone in each of the twelve zodiac signs has an identical personality. So the astrological industry, and Laura, would have you believe. And so Laura will tell you superfluous and/or erroneous things yourself based entirely upon what day of the year you were born.
About Your Astrologist
Okay, so maybe I don't "have any astrological know-how", and maybe I do "live in the city", and maybe I've never "seen a star". But I think I'm qualified to make wild generalizations about all the signs based upon the fact that (1) I know over twelve different people and (2) some of them have different zodiac signs.
Aries "The Ram" March 21-April 19
For some reason Aries is always the first horoscope listed, even though it's not actually that close to the beginning of the year. I guess it has something to do with star position lunar sun Jupiter ninth house star zodiac stuff. Maybe. What do I know? Anyway, I'll go with it.
Most of my information about Aries comes from my boyfriend, whom I know extremely well, and his twin brother, whom I don't know at all. Both of them have blond hair and blue eyes, so if you're an "Aryan", as I like to call them, I guess you do too. You're interested in all the typical intellectual pursuits--reading, writing, watching movies or "films", and, annoyingly, correcting people's grammar.
Also, let's face it, your only good role was Rocky Horror. After that, what did you play, like, butlers? I bet you're really tired of girls saying they would sleep with you but "only in the transvestite makeup."
Taurus "The Bull" April 20-May 20
I don't know any Tauri.
Gemini "Twins, or, Identical Cousins" May 21-June 21
Actually the only person I ever knew was a gemini was a girl I met at camp two or three years ago. Her name was Laura, just like mine! I guess that means since Gemini is twins, who are just like each other, and all, then if you're a gemini, your name must be Laura just like mine, or you have some other attribute that's just like me. Good for you!
Cancer "The Crab" June 22-July 22
I don't know any Cancers.
Leo "The Lion" July 23-August 22
My brother and his girlfriend are Leos. They're both kind of weird and learned and like reading books and stuff. Whatever.
Virgo "The Virgin" August 23-September 22
Ha ha. Virgin.
Libra "Some Scales" September 23-October 22
My dad is a Libra which I guess means if you're a Libra you're really, really smart, like High Concept Bingo smart, but somehow things you don't like are completely beyond your comprehension. Like if they can't seat you at a restaurant, or UmJammer Lammy.
Scorpio "A Scorpion" October 23-November 21
I think Rory is a Scorpio. Huh. Good luck with Scorpios!
Sagittarius "The Centaur Archer Dude" November 22-December 21
I am a Sagittarius! I guess if you're a "Sadge" you must be really wonderful and delightful and beautiful and wonderful. You love your friends, you get really tired when you think about doing anything remotely work-like, you faint if you get up too fast, you write pages of meaningless drivel every few months which you then spread across many weeks giving the illusion that you have the capability to work steadily. And you're beaauuuuttiiffulllll!
Capricorn "The Goat" December 22-January 19
Sometimes people think I'm a Capricorn because my birthday's right on the edge between the two, but who wants to be a goat?
Aquarius "Water Or Something" January 20-February 18
I like this one because of the Hair song, but I don't think I know anyone who is it.
Pisces "A Fish" February 19-March 20
Nicole, Rory's girlfriend, is a Pisces. She's really nice! But she knows a lot of stuff about music.