The Exclusive Top Secret Plans of All Girls Everywhere
            This color scheme is a foolproof system to keep boys from reading our precious secrets. This is because boys suffer from a condition called "pink-and-purple-colorblindness" where the two colors appear to be one, which they call "gay".

            Okay, sisters. I know you all have a copy of the guidebook in your possession, but in case it becomes lost or damaged or you find yourself away from home without it, here is a handy online copy.

The Secret Agenda of Girls

            Our basic philosophy, of course, is to drive men nuts! The plan is three-fold:

1. Be illogical.
Wild girls in nature are illogical creatures. If you feel a sense of logic creeping up on you, FIGHT IT! Make sure you always use circular logic, and be bad at chess. Such is the nature of girlhood.

2. Don't have sex.
All men always want to have sex, and no women ever want to have sex. There are several tools at the woman's disposal for the purposes of sex evasion:

            -The ability to have babies
            -Marriage. This keeps men from having sex with anyone but you, and keeps the promise of sex dangling over their heads. You can laugh when they jump!

3. Care about appearances.

Love things that are aesthetically pleasing. Acquire as many pretty things as possible by the process known as "shopping". Use appearance-inhancing cosmetics. Complain that you have nothing to wear.

Cuteness is definitely an issue. It is imperative to adore tiny furry animals. Loving farm animals is optional. Fear reptiles and insects, except to feel sorry for them when they are drowning. Show your support of the animal kingdom by being a vegetarian and being against animal testing.

Memorize the following conversation:
         YOU: I'm ugly.
         YOUR BOYFRIEND: No you're not.
         YOU: You have to say that because you're my boyfriend.
         BOYFRIEND: No, really. You're beautiful.
         YOU: Would you still love me if I was ugly?
         BOYFRIEND: Yes, of course.
         YOU: You would tell someone you loved they were ugly?
         At this point you have already won.

Remember to hold and attend as many top-secret conferences as possible with the girls in your area to discuss the advancement of your branch of girlhood. These conferences will be held under the name of "slumber parties" and should include at least three of the following: popcorn, pillow fights, toenail painting, the word "dreamy", pictures of cute boys, horror movies, scary stories, underwear.

More: If your handbook differs, and you'd like to add to mine, please drop me a line!

Even More: The secrets of women have oft been researched and bitterly commented upon. The following sites contain information about secrets of women, whether secretly true or laughably false.

A Guide to Women by a Gentleman

The Shocking Truth Despite the name, not so much a page of secrets about women but just complaints about them. Good enough.