L&E Job Applications

As you know, Lance and Eskimo Dot Com is one of the rising stars of the online industry, and it offers more jobs than even established online presences like Lycos and AOL. Just visit our Jobs at L&E page and you'll be sure to find some plum jobs, some of which you're sure to be suited for.

Now, it goes without saying that there are many more qualified applicants than positions, since there are actually no positions. We just offer people jobs because we like writing rejection letters. The unaccustomed sense of power intoxicates our tiny souls. Some of the applicants, however, are extremely promising, and because I don't feel like writing anything original this week, I'm going to present the resumes of some of these young lions, along with our rejection letters. Maybe another company will see your resume here and hire you. Or blackball you. It's all the same to us.

Name: Zack
Position Desired: Monkey King, Assistant to Monkey King

Resume:

1981 born
1981 - present slacker, financial and emotional drain on parents, friends, teachers, society in general
1993 briefly considered for monkey queen, but my poor marksmanship with aerodynamic feces led to the now infamous 'running bareassed naked through the woods while being chased by drunk hillbillies incident'

Dear Zack,

Thank you for your interest in a job at Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. Your resume is impressive. We are especially intrigued by your experience with feces. However, because of the current economic downturn, we have suspended hiring and have in fact had to let go several monkey workers and much of the poo-flinging responsibility has fallen on the shoulders of the design team, which is fine, because they'd do it anyway without our encouragement. Anyway, we'll keep your application on file and let you know if a position opens up.

Paul (Lumpy Human Resources Director)

Name: Jenna
Position Desired: Executive Sex Stategist (Sex Bunny)

Dear L&E

It's few and far between that we find a job that I am actually qualified for, being a sophomore in college. But this is an amazing fit. My husband and I have some amazing sex and I'd like to share my plans for great sex in the future with YOU! I've got ideas, ideas, ideas. I've got ideas with proven results! Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex. You want it, I've got it. And I've experience in all areas, hetero, homo, bi, solo, you name it. You see, I have a genetic mutation that allows me to test out everything before I pass it on to you...I've got an overabundance of testosterone, not the norm for a woman. You need a sex strategist, I can help!

Jenna

Resume:

Sophomore at Some College studying (prepare to laugh) Leisure Studies. But as slacker as it sounds, it does pertain to the job at hand...and yes, I'm really a Leisure Studies major.

I currently slack off at one job which involves typing and copying.

I am married, and being so I have access to my test subject, Mike, 365 days a year.

We have had many, many successful attempts at sex. Many include crazy, freaky experiements in position, toys, outfits, bondage/domination, if you call pinching and slapping masachicism, then I enjoy a little pain, and locations.

I also enjoy gardening, reading and crocheting.

In the event I should be offered the job, I would require the official title changed to include the words Sex Bunny. Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Jenna

Dear Jenna,

Thank you for your interest in a job at Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. Your resume is impressive. We are especially intrigued by your experience with sex, which is an area in which most of the staff at lanceandeskimo.com are lacking experience. However, because of the current economic downturn, we have suspended hiring and have in fact had to let go several sex strategists, which is fine, because their strategies usually involved "take her to a WCW match and then just see what happens". Anyway, we'll keep your application on file and let you know if a position opens up.

Paul (Emeritus Human Resources Director)

Name: Kat
Position Desired: Chick who sits in various rooms, drinking coffee and getting in people's way

Resume:

I don't think I'll be giving you any information about me, thanks. I want a aura of mystery.

Dear Kat,

Thank you for your interest in a position at Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. Your resume is impressive. We are especially intrigued by your mysterious resume, which allows us ample room to imagine amazing qualifications, such as a Nobel Prize in scuba diving!

However, because of the current economic downturn, we have had to downsize slightly. For instance, compared to last year, we have 40% less employees whose duties are limited to sitting in various rooms, and 10% more various rooms! But we'll keep your application on file and let you know if a position opens up.

Paul (Effeminate Human Resources Director)

Name: Lupschada
Position: Suspiciously Ursine Personnel Agent

Resume:

1984-1992 Personal Assistant to John Irving, author
- Duties included modelling bear fur while rolling on the floor, to serve as inspiration for the novels The Hotel New Hampshire, The World According to Garp, and Setting Free the Bears; getting coffee for Mr. Irving; administrative duties.
1993-1998 Arby's, Secaucus, New Jersey
- Duties included short-order cooking, cash register, drive-through window, and cleaning the store after closing.
1998-present Bear Feeder, Milwaukee County Zoo, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
- Duties include feeding the bears twice daily, giving medicine as needed, and modelling bear fur while rolling on the synthetic habitat to inspire mating.

Dear Lupschada,

Thank you for your interest in a position at Lance and Eskimo Dot Com. Your resume is impressive. You're hired.

Our usual pay structure involves a generous benefits package, lots of stock options, and all the salmon you can snap out of the stream. See you Monday!

P.S. Do you come with your own bear fur?

Paul (Bumbling Human Resources Director)