Extinct Beverage Tasting:
180 Energy Drink
Ahhh the modern website. I highly encourage you to visit 180.com and learn a bunch of lies about this product: 180 Energy Drink, Orange-Citrus Blast. The "Orange-Citrus Blast" seems to imply that there are other flavors but there are not.
When you enter their website you will be attacked by a giant po pup window that completely covers your Windows Task Bar so that you have to minimize the window to do anything else. I don't own a Macintosh but I'm sure whatever it does on a Mac is equally as horrible. In this large window you will be closely monitored by a giant eyeball that has "180" tattooed on it. It will watch your mouse no matter where it goes. If you make it past the eye you will be brought to a page that has a giant electrical powerhouse and there will be warnings on the page about you not being able to handle 180 Energy Drink. Of course you can't see any of this until you enter in the month day and year you were born. If you leave the site and come back you will have to enter in this information again because the technology to make a website remember six digits just doesn't exist yet.
On the first screen you will be bombarded with a collection of really lame quips, cranks and general buffoonery. This will be presented by one continuous paragraph of sentences containing things like: "This drink cannot be used to power small appliances." "180 reminds you that 180 is the number right after 179 if you don't count fractions." "180 should not be used as a contact lens solution." and "180 is available in small cans because large cans would just be too hard to handle."
After reading all this I shook off the embarrassment I had for my fellow man and continued on. God, the things I have to endure just to do an article. I was really doing okay until I read this garbage. Anyone else on earth could come up with things just as witty. In fact I'm going to give myself thirty seconds to think of three just as witty and see how I do.
"It's like doing a 180 on a skateboard, without the skateboard."
"Because 360 is just too much!"
"It's like the amount of money you make in a week! Plus $80!"
Wow. To think, they probably paid some ad wizards big bucks to come up with all that crap and I just did the same in half a minute. It actually only took a little over twenty seconds. I used the remaining time I had to blow my nose. I would have done this for them for a large cheese pizza or maybe some gas for my car.
The can itself is littered with lies and false claims including that it will: "...boost your immune system..." "...increase your mental energy..." and "...aid metabolism." Of course we see the classic energy drink practical joke written on the can as well" "Shake Gently." Yeah thanks, I'll pass on that.
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