Extinct Beverage Tasting:
With summer just about over it is time to look back and reflect on this summer's beverages. For years Coca-Cola and Pepsi have been locked in an unending struggle to come up with the worst idea for a soda. Springtime seems to be the ideal time for soft drink companies to release these new brands on the public. After a long winter spent in the laboratory adding various chemicals to high fructose corn syrup they are finally ready to share the fruits of their labor with everyone. This past summer Coca-Cola struck first by launching a formidable beverage known as Coca-Cola Blāk.
Coca-Cola Blāk is part of a new breed of sodas that contain both high fructose corn syrup and aspartame. While this new philosophy of soda making does generate a lower calorie product it is worth noting that it suffers from the problems of both regular and diet sodas. It contains sugar, therefore it's still high in calories so it's still making your belly fat; it's obviously not suitable for diabetics; yet it also contains aspartame, so it has a disgusting, hollow taste that makes you sad.
It is unclear what the deal is with the line above the "A." Conventional grammar wisdom would lead us to believe that it should be pronounced: "Blake." Cola and coffee wisdom leads us to believe, due to the hue of both beverages, it should be pronounced: "Black." Stupid idiotic marketing wisdom would lead us to believe that either way it's stupid.
According to Coca-Cola's vice president of global core brands, Marc Mathieu:
"We believe we have created a new category of soft drink -- an adult product in a carbonated beverage -- and a whole new drinking experience. This brand is ideal for any part of the day when people are looking for renewed energy or simply to take a break."
It's a little gross having this drink constantly referred to as an "adult beverage." Calling something "adult" just makes it sound dirty. Furthermore I'm annoyed by beverages and foods being marketed to a specific age group. Sure, this is an age old tactic, but specifically coming out and saying it is fairly recent. LUNA barŪ calls itself "the whole nutrition bar for women." That's something that's always annoyed me, particularly since I'd like to occasionally pick up a delicious "S'mores" flavored LUNA barŪ. Sometimes I'd like to buy them but I fear the ridicule of the cashier who may laugh at me for buying a woman's energy bar emblazoned with a silhouette of a prancing, yoga-doing woman. Lucky CharmsŪ is clearly a cereal marketed with children in mind but it doesn't have a picture of a little kid on it with a bit of text that says, "The cereal for little, tiny children and not allowed for adults unless they want to be confused as either immature or pedophilic or both." Instead they have a leprechaun, and there's nothing shameful about that.
So. Yes. On to the tasting.