Extinct Beverage: Coca-Cola Blāk

Extinct Beverage Tasting:
Coca-Cola Blāk

With summer just about over it is time to look back and reflect on this summer's beverages. For years Coca-Cola and Pepsi have been locked in an unending struggle to come up with the worst idea for a soda. Springtime seems to be the ideal time for soft drink companies to release these new brands on the public. After a long winter spent in the laboratory adding various chemicals to high fructose corn syrup they are finally ready to share the fruits of their labor with everyone. This past summer Coca-Cola struck first by launching a formidable beverage known as Coca-Cola Blāk.

Coca-Cola Blāk is part of a new breed of sodas that contain both high fructose corn syrup and aspartame. While this new philosophy of soda making does generate a lower calorie product it is worth noting that it suffers from the problems of both regular and diet sodas. It contains sugar, therefore it's still high in calories so it's still making your belly fat; it's obviously not suitable for diabetics; yet it also contains aspartame, so it has a disgusting, hollow taste that makes you sad.

Blāk

It is unclear what the deal is with the line above the "A." Conventional grammar wisdom would lead us to believe that it should be pronounced: "Blake." Cola and coffee wisdom leads us to believe, due to the hue of both beverages, it should be pronounced: "Black." Stupid idiotic marketing wisdom would lead us to believe that either way it's stupid.

Marketing

According to Coca-Cola's vice president of global core brands, Marc Mathieu:

"We believe we have created a new category of soft drink -- an adult product in a carbonated beverage -- and a whole new drinking experience. This brand is ideal for any part of the day when people are looking for renewed energy or simply to take a break."

It's a little gross having this drink constantly referred to as an "adult beverage." Calling something "adult" just makes it sound dirty. Furthermore I'm annoyed by beverages and foods being marketed to a specific age group. Sure, this is an age old tactic, but specifically coming out and saying it is fairly recent. LUNA bar® calls itself "the whole nutrition bar for women." That's something that's always annoyed me, particularly since I'd like to occasionally pick up a delicious "S'mores" flavored LUNA bar®. Sometimes I'd like to buy them but I fear the ridicule of the cashier who may laugh at me for buying a woman's energy bar emblazoned with a silhouette of a prancing, yoga-doing woman. Lucky Charms® is clearly a cereal marketed with children in mind but it doesn't have a picture of a little kid on it with a bit of text that says, "The cereal for little, tiny children and not allowed for adults unless they want to be confused as either immature or pedophilic or both." Instead they have a leprechaun, and there's nothing shameful about that.

So. Yes. On to the tasting.

The Tasting

ee

It's black and foamy. It almost reminds me of another drink I've tried called Coca-Cola ~~Blāk~~.

niff

Wow, it certainly smells like coffee. Not real coffee, more like Nips or coffee frosting like you'd get on a donut at Dunkin' Donuts.

ip

It seems to taste an awful lot like there was some Autocrat coffee syrup whisked in. Purists argued that you could create your own Vanilla Coke by simply adding a dash of pure vanilla extract to regular Coca-Cola and achieve a much more pleasant effect. One would imagine that combining some Autocrat coffee syrup with some regular Coca-Cola would also create a much more pleasing Coke-Coffee hybrid.

avor

It has the unpleasing taste of a diet drink and reading the ingredient list on the back you can see that aspartame is indeed included. It has a very hollow finish much like a diet soda. After a while you realize that it doesn't tase as much like coke mixed with coffee as Coke mixed with Diet Coke mixed with poor quality coffee syrup.

uffer

Afterwards you feel very gross. It reminded me of being 8 or 9 years old and mixing some poorly brewed, cold church coffee with Equal packets and drinking it after having spent the entire "coffee hour" drinking cans of Coca-Cola. The hints of aspartame, coffee and Coca-Cola combine for an entirely displeasing aftertaste and sensation that could only be tolerated by an idiotic 8-year-old.
Conclusion
For those of you that have been losing sleep from staying up until the wee hours praying that some major manufacturer would release a blend of cola and coffee because you were too lazy to do it yourself, your stupid prayers have finally been answered. Enjoy.

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