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Extinct Beverage Tasting:

Information about DNA can be found at their website: DNA is made by the same company that scared my generation with its soft drink, Jolt. I can scarcely think of any beverage that has more urban legend based around it than Jolt. The drink that boasts "twice the caffeine" but refuses to tell you "of what."

Everyone my age approaches Jolt with the caution of a Japanese diner who has just ordered the Fugu Blowfish. We all know that there are many ways that Jolt soda can actually kill you, however its high caffeine content makes it a vital part of any Gen Xer's highly caffeinated diet. As long as certain rules are followed (i.e. don't drink it with Pop Rocks or you will EXPLODE!!!) it can be an important part of the late night computer programmer's diet.

But this isn't about Jolt, it's about DNA. DNA totes itself as "Pure water that has lost its innocence." Seeing this in the local White Hen Pantry I was compelled. "Alcoholic spring water," I quietly mused. "This could be a vital part of the museum."

When faced with a product like this, many questions spring to mind. The most prominent question, of course, is "Why?" Why would you want to make alcoholic spring water. With the ready availability of water and hard alcohol, who wouldn't be able to mix their own? Then another question surfaces: "Why would you want to make your own?" Wouldn't that be gross? The answer is "Yes. Yes it would be gross." But would it be AS gross as DNA? There's only one way to find that out.

On to the tasting...

The Six Eses
The Tasting


It looks clear. Just like water! Well just like spring water. The water that comes out of my tap is more of an off-brown color.


Oh no. It smells like the stale beer that's one finds sitting in a cup the morning after a crazy party. This does not fill me with a great deal confidence.


It tastes a little like one would imagine that same stale beer tasting. But there is one added flavor that begs to be identified. You know those gummi peaches you get at a candy store at the mall that has a name like "Mr. Bagwell's Candy Express?" It tastes like one of those has been dissolved in the stale beer. While maintaining the stale beer taste it does manage to have a rather crisp finish.


That coating that cover your mouth after eating gummi peaches also happens with DNA. The thing that keeps you drinking DNA is trying to get rid of the phlegmy, disgusting film that coats the roof of your mouth.


The anguish caused by this drink may be lessened slightly by the fact that DNA contains alcohol. Some of the taster's senses are dulled by the alcohol while the rest of them suffer a slow and agonizing demise. The taster of DNA runs a much higher risk level of becoming an alcoholic due to the need to drown his/her sorrows with more DNA until the taste buds refuse to respond. It is a vicious cycle, my friends. I suggest what I did. Simply put down the bottle and walk away.


After drinking DNA I felt guilty and depressed like I had just slept with my best friend's girlfriend. After a nap I felt a little better but still felt like I needed a serious soul cleansing.

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