Extinct Beverage Tasting:
Naturally I went to the Lucozade website to scope it out. It claims to be "the only site on the internet that actually gives you energy." I believe that I could make a fairly strong case against that claim.
When I first began writing this article I decided that I would review the drink then come back and review the website at a later date. However, in a strange marketing move, Lucozade.com decided to scrap all of the information on the website pertaining to the actual drink. In lieu of information they decided to redirect to larazade.com which is nothing but pictures of Lara Croft. This may actually be because of test market results which indicate that pictures of Lara Croft are usually a big hit with men between the ages of 14 and 108. Pornographically altered pictures of Lara Croft score even bigger but at least Lucozade has some integrity.
On the page that loads up you have the opportunity to "Challenge Lara." Prizes seem to include being able to download a really crappy game and winning 5 Land Rovers! But first you must "Challenge Lara" at a game.
By the time this article goes up the site may have returned to its former boobless glory so I feel it necessary to mention that you may not be able to play this game as I was. Depending on the success of the movie, the game and the Lara Croft tie in my be lost forever. But if I know anything about people I'm guessing that Angelina Jolie in skin tight Daisy Dukes kicking her way through Matrix-like fight scenes may actually do pretty well at the box office. Anyway, the goal of the game seems unclear but here's how it generally goes:
A picture of Lara appears giving a flirtatious grin at you and saying: "Help me secure the mystic ankh of Set from the Desert of Despair and escape in one piece."
When you continue you see a screen with Lara Croft standing there that says: "Please select your equipment and clothing for this mission."
So now you must decide. What's more appropriate to wear in the desert: a ball gown, a sheepskin coat or her normal tube top and short shorts attire? Strangely after trying a few combinations you learn that the sheepskin coat is the right answer. Also with every mission you must choose a bottle of Larazade or else Lara will whine about not having enough energy to complete the mission. The remaining two items you need are a Land Rover and a gun.
When you solve these clever puzzels and win you are allowed to download the Land Rover Challenge! The Land Rover Challenge is basically exactly like Moon Patrol for the Atari 2600 except with slightly better graphics.
Land Rover Challenge
I am left wondering if Lucozade will now only be known as Larazade. All the bottles on the new site have "Larazade" written on them. It seems like a great way for a company that has a shitty product to stay alive a little bit longer. Advertisements featuring a big breasted bombshell in a tube top sucking on the end of one of their crappy bottles will be sure to increase sales. After reading the review of this drink you may soon realize why all of this is even necessary.
Looks like orange soda. OR, orange Jell-o in liquid form, with bubbles. OR, orange soda.
Paul says it smells like orange Jell-O. Nate rambles about how it smells like pops that you get when you are a kid called "Orange you glad you are eating this pop" or "Orange-utan."
Remember those Bizarros from the Super Man comics? They lived on a cubic planet and they said things like "Me so glad you am tearing down my house. That show you love me." We assembled a team of Bizarros to taste Lucozade, and, as we expected, they said, "This beverage am delicious. It reminiscent of all the nasty medicines me loved as a kid!" We, on the other hand, were disappointed, because Lucozade defies expectation by not being like orange jello at all. It's bitter and chalky, like the taste of defeat.
The aftertaste makes Nate think that there is a spider living in his mouth. Nate makes an effort to catch a bird to catch the spider to catch the lucozade that is poisoning his very soul. I think he'll die.
You'd think that it would be possible to make a tasty energy drink. Unfortunately, beverage manufacturers seem to think that if it tastes like medicine, people will think it's good for them. Here's the thing though: According to the ingredient list, Lucozade is basically made of sugar, water, and caffeine. Given the same basic ingredients as coke (along with minimal amounts of vitamins) how did Lucozade manage to make their drink taste sugarless and unpleasant? There had to be some warped scientist at the head of the project, possibly with weird religious beliefs about "mortifying the flesh." No thanks, Lucozade; I'll stick to my self-flagellation and Coke, thank you very much.