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Extinct Beverage Tasting:

Metromint is a simple drink that should go completely overlooked. Instead it is a drink that conjures voices in the back of your head bringing you back to the formative years of your dental training. You will hear the voice of your mother and/or father and/or legal guardian. You will also hear the voice of your childhood dentist. All of these voices will swim around together in your brain cavity repeating the mantra, "Do not swallow your toothpaste!"

Toothpaste is poison, something that has always struck me as odd, not to mention poorly thought out. Knowing this we are all painfully aware of our own mortality each and every time we brush our teeth. Not even the whitening crystals in our Aquafresh are powerful enough to strip away the tartar of dread that we all feel each night before bed as we squeeze the tube onto our brushes and feel our lives delicately balancing on the tightrope that spans across the vast ravine of life and death. It's kind of an unspoken bond amongst all humankind. Much the way our cultures all spawn the story of the hero's journey, we all spawn the intense fear of our dental hygiene products.

That being said, Metromint would be thought to be a drink for adrenaline junkies and people who enjoy casual flirtation with Lady Death. Surprisingly this isn't so. A quick trip to Metromint's official site,, shows that it seems more to be the drink of choice for bubbly college orientation leaders, wholesome organic kiwi-eating hemp lovers and shameless liars. Just take a gander at some of the customer comments that randomnly scroll by on the site's main page:

Dee sums it up. Finally, a water worth buying. Finally. Tap water that has been bottled and labeled as, "Fiji Springs" with a beautiful oil painting of a palm tree just wasn't enough. Tap water that has Crest dissolved into it, that's the extra step we were looking for before we opened up our wallets.

Amen, Jarralynne. Thank them, no BLESS them, no GOD BLESS them! Metromint is exactly like a fantastic fountain of youth precious drink. It don't need any scientist with his (or her) fancy equipment measuring my blood to tell me that each sip of Metromint is clearly adding at least six months to my life. The proof is in the pudding and Metromint is like a refined recipe for proof pudding. 3 parts proof, 1 part pudding, all parts youth-restoring potion.

I couldn't agree with Kelly more. Drinking water used to be fun! Remember when you were a kid and you'd go to Water Country? No? Well maybe you didn't live right near it like I did. It doesn't matter because it's a metaphor. When I was little we'd all pack up the cooler with soft drinks and ice (made from water) and pack into the car to drive to New Hampshire and enjoy a fun day of waterslides and tube rides. Then we'd drink all the water and that would be the best part.

Melissa, it's hard to express all that you want to say about this beverage in less than 168 characters. If you get your own website like me then you can expand on those initial thoughts. I'd recommend to get started. Perhaps you can post about your baby when he or she is born. I'd be willing to believe that the child will have super powers from the Metromint you have ingested. If I had to guess I would guess X-ray vision, heat ray eyes and immortality. However, I'm not a medical doctor so you may want to ask your obstetrician about exactly which super powers your newborn posesses. Good luck!

I was with you when you said it was the only water you wanted to drink. That makes perfect sense. What goes better with steak than Metromint? I was with you when you said your friend bought every last bottle at the store (how did you carry all ten bottles home?) But you lost me when you said your name was Michelle Hamburger. Everyone knows that no one is named Michelle Hamburger. Nice try.

Is Metromint enough of an innovation to be its own beverage at this point? If I flavored Metromint additionally with an ingredient like lemon, or salt pork, would I then have an original drink or would I have some pork flavored Metromint?

And on and on. The site spits out an endless stream of new comments and will keep you entertained for hours as hundreds upon thousands of drinkers echo your sentiments to a tee and show us all that salty chestnut of human nature which is that race, religion, upbringing and I.Q. can't mask that deep down we are all far more similar than we will ever realize or even want to admit.

And now on to the tasting...

The Six Eses
The Tasting


Looks a lot like water. Clear. Unoffensive. Boring.


Smells like some certs that have been sitting in some water so long that they have expanded in size and look all gross, like bloated bits of orzo.


Tastes like drinking water after you've brushed your teeth. Do you hear your concerned mother telling you that you've done something very bad? I do to. No, not your mother. My mother.


It's also reminiscent of using peppermint dental floss. Also of swallowing toothpaste. It makes you feel like you did something wrong. It makes you want to tuck your tail between your legs and crouch in the corner as your angry owner dabs up the mess you've made.


After drinking half a bottle you feel as though you are sick. Everyone knows you aren't supposed to swallow mouthwash but Metromint makes you feel as though you just have. I tried to drink this beverage while I was eating. As soon as I had a sip I couldn't touch my food. Eating just felt wrong. What are you going to do? You can't just eat some Tostitos after brushing your teeth and undo all the good you just did. To do so would be destructive. Destructive and foolhardy.


In conclusion, Metromint seems to be an excersize in trying to unlearn all that you have learned. You have to untrain yourself to gargle and spit after putting the liquid into your mouth. Be cautious how well you unlearn this fact or your next encounter with some Scope could end with disastrous consequences. And the grim reaper will be at your funeral telling you, "I told you so."

"Beware the wise man that finds the fountain of youth for deep within its springs lies not the water of life but the water of fools."
-- Me

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