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Niagara Logo

Niagara Bottle
Extinct Beverage Tasting:

I was bringing my friend home the other day when she declared "I need tissues." I offered to bring her to a store close to her house so that she could buy said tissues.

As I strolled by the beverage cooler something *special* caught my eye. IT was a beverage called "Niagara". I had a vague recollection of a very graphically and tastelessly named female version of Viagra called "Niagara", but didn't think that the two could be related. Come to find out, I was more wrong than I could have ever imagined.

On the front label is a red bunny. The bunny has the word "love" on one side and the word "herbs" on the other. I guess I'm just a moron because I thought that that was just the name of the company: "Love Herbs". I thought it was just some silly herbal drink. The phrase "For Good Staying Power" caught my eye next and aroused my suspicions.

I turned the bottle over to find out that it was an "Aphrodisiac energy drink with caffeine". Yum!

I grabbed two bottles and she got her tissues and we headed to the register. I had some ibuprofen and bismuth liquid too because I wasn't feeling well. The man at the register looked at me with fear in his eyes and the two of us exchanged the following dialogue:

"Do you really want this?

"Uhhh. Yeah"

"Do you know how much it is?"

"Mmmm. Nope."

"Well, do you need it?"

"I don't necessarily NEED it. I could live without it."

"Okay." He proceeds to slide my two bottles to the side of the counter and rings up only my other items.

"Uhhh. Well how much is it."

The man is beginning to get annoyed with me now. "It's more than the rest of this stuff you have." I'm sure at this point that it's overpriced but I'm thinking $10-20 at this point.

"So, you're not going to tell me how much it is?"

The man rolls his eyes. "Are you sure you want to know."


"It's $4.99."

Finally he spills the beans. Since when should it ever be a secret how much something in a store is. I agree that $4.99 for a 6 oz. drink is incredibly ridiculous but couldn't I be allowed to make that decision for myself? It hurt spending that kind of money but I couldn't pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity.

"I'll take them," I said.

"Are you sure?" I could see that this guy didn't have any sort of profit sharing benefits with the company.

"It's like an investment in my future," I explained.

The guy behind the counter looked over at my friend and all of a sudden he smiled. "Ohhhh, I get it." He did not get it. He thought that I was getting this beverage so that me and my friend could get our proverbial grooves on. In actuality I simply was investing in the beverage itself and had no plans on macking it to this girl who was a friend of mine and also happened to be going out with a friend of mine. I didn't feel like explaining. I was just happy to be getting my damn drinks.

The guy was so happy for me that he even put in a little of his own money when he found out that I didn't have enough.

With that ordeal out of the way I returned home and did something much less enjoyable than having sex with a pretty girl... I prepared to drink Niagara.

If you go to the website listed on the bottle ( you will be pleasantly surprised to find that it has little to no information about, or acknowledgement that, Niagara even exists. It does feature a few other horrid looking energy drinks that I hope to some day procure.

Doing a Google search I found that Niagara chose to make its new home at the coveted domain name: The dot com boom is over, fools! I'm sure there has to be at least 80-100 domain names available that are better than that. I guess they're too busy helping women get horny to bother themselves with searching for a better domain name. God bless them.

And now on to the tasting...

The Six Eses
The Tasting


It's this sort of unholy bluish color. Kinda looks like Klingon blood! Or was that purple? I mean, I have NO IDEA what color Klingon blood is... what do you think I am some kind of loser?


I have a bad feeling about this. It smells very herbal and slightly fruity. I don't smell rabbit though. I was hoping that there would be mashed rabbit gizzards or something as the logo would imply.


*Ack*! You know how Alka Seltzer isn't good? You know how you only drink it when you're sick. I'm just saying.


Chalkiness is not something that I consider to be a very favorable quality in a drink. The aftertaste is slightly vegetal. These "love herbs" are making me hate life.


I'm glad that I didn't initiate sexual contact with my friend because i fear that my belly ache would have ended up making it a very unpleasant experience. It seems to be that much like an energy drink makes me feel despair and not energy, Niagara makes me feel loathing and pain rather than love.


After doing the tasting I decided to do a little searching for information on Niagara. I found out the it's apparently (like the sex medication it shares a name with) for women. Rats. They could have mentioned something somewhere on the bottle about that. Apparently they think it's funny to have guys spend $5.00 for nothing.

In retrospect I'm rather happy that I wasn't just suddenly and strangely aroused by this beverage. That would have been really weird and frightening. I would have thought that schizandra-extract would get me going anyway, gender be damned! I bet if there was a girl here who wanted to have sex with me I would be SUPER turned on, though. Meooooow! Ffft! Ffft! Meowwww!

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