Beverages Rants Reviews Gaming Miscellaneous
Orbitz Logo
Orbitz Bottles
Orbitz Bottles
Extinct Beverage Tasting:
raSpbeRrY CitRus Orbitz

Even though we had picked Orbitz as a sure-fire extinct beverage two years ago, it's kind of surprising it went under so quickly. (Surprising, that is, if you leave aside the actual quality of the drink.) After all, Orbitz is such a unique drink, from its unique crumbiness to its unique interspersing-capital-letters-in-the-names-of-its-flavors. How could such a cRazY drink fail? You know, with Generation X and all?

Clearly Canadian blames you, the consumer. As Jonathan Cronin, marketing director for Clearly Canadian, said, "People aren't sure whether to eat it, drink it, or spit out the balls." We believe that the explanation may lie deeper than people's distrust of a beverage which contains "balls". We have vague memories of its brief heyday, during which friends reported that "it isn't that good" and "it's kinda nasty." Maybe that's why is now the proud home of a flight search engine.

Not content with second-hand misery, however, we decided to initiate countdown, prepare for some major G-forces, and get ready to Orbitz around deliciousness-- and with any luck, never land!!!

The Six Eses
The Tasting

To fully appreciate a classy drink like Orbitz, we decided we needed to take "Doggy Style" out of the CD player and put in Schumann's "Kinderszenn op. 15." One amusing side effect of this choice is that like that guy in The Clockwork Orange, we are now programmed to retch whenever we hear classical music.


Ah, neutral buoyancy. Suspended in the beverage (or "solution") are little nasty-looking gelatin globules. They're just floating there. Somehow one would expect them to mill around. They're not really orbiting anything. One might also say (as in fact one does say if one is the inside of the Orbitz cap) that they "defy gravity."


The tasters are of two minds. Nate smells "legitimate citrus." Paul smells "Robitussin." Paul was unable to smell legitimate citrus, even when he fanned his hand over the drink to waft the scent to his nose, like they do in the movies. Remember, there are no right or wrong perceptions in extinct beverage tasting, but one of the tasters spent several years in the food service industry and one of them is Paul.


Putting aside the globules for a moment, let's discuss the basic taste of the syrup. You know when your mom makes frozen lemonade and she puts in one can of water too many? It somehow manages to be a nastier experience than drinking lemonade or drinking water. It's not an average of the two as you'd expect. Orbitz is nasty on the same principle, but the base flavor is Pine Sol. You find yourself wishing they put in more Pine Sol because 1) it would taste better and 2) it would kill you.

The globules are no walk in the park either. Let's face it, when we were kids, we all sampled our own boogers. You know how they melt in your mouth? The wizards at Clearly Canadian have recreated this treasured childhood experience, but they have made it more nasty. Because on some deep subconscious level, we know that these boogers don't come from our body.


It is impossible to savor this drink because after you swallow the fluid, there are little lumps in your mouth that have to be dealt with. Your tongue is too busy trying to push them away... into your stomach, your cheeks... anything to make it another body part's problem.

Another thing about the pellets... they're cold and clammy.


The whole experience of drinking Orbitz is deeply gross in an inexplicably Hannibal Lecter-like way. You feel like you're eating something that you have no business to be eating, like somebody's sinus.

Join the discussion in the Chefelf Forums!

Lance and Eskimo Main Page