CHEFELF: It looks like piss.
PAULMEATS: No, it's carbonated.
CHEFELF: Piss could have bubbles in it.
PAULMEATS: Never that many bubbles.
CHEFELF: OK, it's carbonated piss.
It smells remarkably like SweeTarts. It also has traces of those banana-flavored conversation hearts. Hey! Is it just sugar water? This is such a good idea for a drink. The problem with those candies is they chew up the roof of your mouth. If they were in drink form, that wouldn't happen. Bring on the Red Bull, we're ready for our wings!
When you first sip it, the carbonation is so strong you can't taste anything. You swish it around in your mouth, waiting for the burning to subside, and then...
...it hits you. This drink tastes exactly, and we mean EXACTLY, like bile. You know what? We think it is bile. Carbonated though. Mmmm.
Red Bull kicks your saliva glands into overdrive, probably because your mouth is trying to wash itself out. The only reason Red Bull doesn't trigger the gag reflex is because it tricks your body into thinking you ALREADY threw up.
There's nothing quite like having the aftertaste of vomit in your mouth. It's just not a sought-after taste. That's because people aren't stupid. Right? Right?
We had heard that Red Bull was good with vodka. We tried it. It's better with vodka. But it still tastes like the day after a frat party.
It's a natch that Red Bull will go extinct. It's too nasty to last. But once it goes under, you will be able to duplicate the experience of drinking Red Bull by giving a friend $2.00 to throw up in your mouth.
Red Bull's website is not mentioned anywhere on the can, but we have provided a handy link here for your convenience. It's filled with tons of useless information including a history of all the scientific research and study that they made up. There is an extensive "Rumors" section which is basically a really small FAQ (eight questions cleverly spread across four pages) that has such great questions as:
Possible definitions of the word wings
- Has Red Bull ever been "banned"? If so, why?
- They claim that it hasn't, but admit that sometimes it hasn't been authorised. They go on to brag about the fact that "no authority in the world has ever discovered or proven an unhealthy effect in or from Red Bull." Hey, isn't that Philip Morris' motto?
- Can you mix Red Bull with alcohol?
- They say that Red Bull has "no effect on the alcohol metabolism." Studies show that this may not actually mean anything. We think that Red Bull makes a great warmup for a night of heavy drinking to get the body familiar with the taste of one's own puke.
- Is Red Bull suitable for young people?
- They say that Red Bull is "harmless" for young coffee drinkers. Does that answer your question?
- Is Red Bull addictive?
- Here again the makers of Red Bull brag about something we should take for granted in a soft drink. This being the fact that it is "not an entry-level drug to hard drugs." No kidding. If alcohol tasted like this, the word "rehab" probably wouldn't exist.
- Is Red Bull made from bulls' testicles?
- The hum-drum way that they answer this question is frightening. If I made a drink and was accused of making it out of testicles I would deny it a little more strongly than saying: "Ah, we don't use testicles." Shouldn't they be shocked and outraged by the accusation of using gonads to make a soft drink? I think that gasping and sputtering are in order.
You may have seen the Red Bull TV commercials. One of the commercials features da Vinci and some other guy. Leonardo da Vinci is talking with an offensive Italian accent about "Red-a Bull-a" and how it "give you wings." In this hilarious (and well researched) skit Leonardo da Vinci's insane obsession with Red Bull gets him fired from painting the Sistine Chapel.
We spent a great deal of time before the tasting going through the dictionary and trying to see if there was any definition of the word "wings" that could make their slogan true. We found none. We compiled the following list of alternate definitions of "wings", which, while not accurate, makes Paul McCartney's band more entertaining:
- NO bull's testicles
- a lust for death
- a stomach ache
- some Red Bull