The other day I was going through my morning ritual of deleting all of my spam mail. I get somewhere between 25-40 of these joyful messages a day. Usually it's the standard fair running the gamut from inexplicable to downright disgusting. "Refinance your home for pennies a day!"; "Play online at our virtual casino. Over $34,000,000 awarded daily!"; "See me and my girlfriends lick each others' hot wet *young* teen bodies after a day at the high school where we attend classes and are really young but still old enough to be legal but just barely! Click my link... I'm dying to talk to you."

I got one the other day that a lovely young girl named Bambi took the time to send me. She wanted to invite me to watch her and her friends engage in numerous sexual acts with each other and with various barnyard animals. While I appreciated her taking the time to send me the email I was further impressed by the professional P.S. she included at the end of the mail:

P.S. Fistfucking is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that that was a nice touch and that in this day and age of electronic mail and high speed connections we often forget to include the kind of little pleasantries like this that can really brighten someone's day.

Every so often, while wading through spam, I come across an email that isn't just annoying but also strange enough to catch my eye. I decided... why just through away the odd emails when I could probably try to milk a mediocre article out of each one?

So I started saving the really juicy emails into a folder for a day in the future when I was in need of an easy article. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for you, that day is today.

The Email:

Subject: Elf pick up lines! From: Humor <instructions@freejokesforyou.com> Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2001 05:46:29 -0800 (PST) To: Humor Subscriber <nate@lanceandeskimo.com>M. SUBSCRIBE YOURSELF OR YOUR FRIENDS TO JOKE OF THE DAY! Receive a Free Gift with each subscription!<http://www.freejokes4u.com/2.gif> Unsubscribe by sending a blank mail to the unsubscribe address below: Do You Yahoo!? Send your FREE holiday greetings online at Yahoo! Greetings.

The Analysis:

I'm going to ignore the fact that the first part of this email was completely irrelevant. I'll also not mention that what the first paragraph claims to do is entirely impossible. One thing I will mention before telling you what I thought about the elf jokes themselves is that this wasn't text. Instead what this email was was two cleverly disguised graphic links. "How do I know this?" you ask. Because, old friend, I accidentally clicked on one and was transported to a place that I like to call "Pop-Up Window City."

First of all, this email was dated December 24 but I didn't receive it until January 3rd. If they were going for like a Christmas theme type deal then they failed miserably but if you can maintain your composure after the laugh attack you undoubtedly just suffered then I'll further explain why I feel these "jokes" were a little lacking.

1. "I'm down here"
Huh? Oh, elves must be short. It is clear now that they aren't referring to elves in the Dungeons & Dragons sense but rather elves such as the ones employed by a one S. Claus. Having just seen Lord of the Rings I was picturing Hugo Weaving (who played Elrond).

2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
These aren't pickup lines! This list should be called "Top Ten Really Ordinary, Boring, Unfunny, Lame and Untrue Observations About Elves."

3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSynch. Want to meet them?
Okay. Clearly the fool who wrote this is getting confused with gnomes an entirely different mythical being. While I think of elves as being of regular height, even the ones that work for Santa are far taller than "three toadstools" or whatever overly cutesy standard of measure the gnomes use. Oh, and 'Nsync doesn't end with an H,. Hello!?!

4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
I am a firm believer than any relationship formed out of the power of mere bribery is not one that is going to be strong enough to last very long.

5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
Eeew. Now I have a vision of an elf/gnome hybrid masturbating that I will have to carry with me to the grave. Thanks a lot, Freejokes4u.com!

6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
Why ask? If you are indeed a magical being and are this perverted then why not just use your elven powers to sexually molest all the girls you want to? I'm pretty sure that D&D elves' magic does not extend to this area. And are Santa's elves even magical? I thought they were just a bunch of midgets.

7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
How does that get girls? What's the girl's thought process during this whole thing? "Hmmm, I wasn't really going for this guy but when he through in that unnecessary jab at his Keebler brethren, I really felt a spark. I imagine great things in our sexual future. Hooray for elves!"

8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
This implies that elves cannot hold their liquor and I fail to see how that could be used as a pickup line. An eyedropper of tequila wouldn't incapacitate a midget. Even if we're talking about garden gnomes (which is a stretch, I'll admit) an eyedropper full of tequila would be like doing one shot. Few turn into a "wild man" after one shot of anything. What girl is impressed by a guy who can't hold his liquor? I was led to believe that girls found this to be a turn off seeing how they're the gender that coined the phrase: "Two beer queer".

9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
What the hell is tact supposed to mean? If I were a woman I would be very creeped out by this remark, even if I fancied elves. It just reeks of kiddie porn.

10.I can eat my weight in cocktail weiners!
No you can't. No one can eat their weight in cocktail weiners! It's impossible. You know what else is impossible? This elf getting a date! I suggest that this elf do himself a favor and stick to the old classics such as: "You must be tired because you've been running through the forests of my mind all day." and "If I was in charge of the rune alphabet I would put You and Me together... on a rune... tablet."

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Remember: CHANGING LANES comes out this Friday!!!!