**Note: All grammar and spelling mistakes are taken verbatim from the game. No typos were used in the production of this review.

--Chefelf

Introduction
And now, the Great Zebediah, Master Magician!	Most excellent, dude!
So like, Jake, is this Zeb dude for real? Will he teach you his totally rad magic?	Yup, he thinks I have gnarly potential. And I think he's totally decent.
First Level
So Zeb, what's with all the jogging? Can't I just learn magic and skip the aerobics?	It's all, in the legs, my young friend. You'll find that they're the first things to go. Excercise will make your magic more powerful.
Sounds righteous, dude. But I'm Pooped.	Don't be a wimp, Jake.
Cute, Allison. Real cute. Hey!	Jake has been attacked by surprise.
Second Level
Zeb, who were those dweebs, anyway? Hey, where's Allison?	Jake, they're like stealing me or something, Help! Allison has been kidnapped. Now's a good time to use the magic I taught you. You've got to save Allison. Your magic is more powerful, than ever. But be careful, Jake, some magic spells are bogus and won't work. Good luck!
Zeb, I think they went that-away!	Jake, communicate telepathically from now on.
Allison has been Kidnapped! You must save her, dude!
Third Level
Jake,	I'm like really nervous. Like, my dad tried to save me. And now they've got him too. I don't know what they've done with him.
No way! He's the gnarliest professor on the coast.	So, it's your dad they really want!
Jake, I kinda want my dad back, you know?	That's totally understandable. Wow, how about if I save him?
Enemies attack from the darkness, be excellent, Jake!
Fourth Level
Jake, the people that took Allison's father... they're people from the underground world. They are intelligent, but incredibly ugly. They don't know much about us. They took her father to learn all they could. He is in grave danger. Your magic is more powerful than mine now. I have nothing more to teach you. Use your gift and save Allison's father.	Aha! Looks like a cave that leads to an underground base. Go for it, Jake!
Fifth Level
We've caught up with them! Watch your step and be excellent. I think I'm picking up a message from Allison.	Jake, I'm practicing magic, too. Gnarly, huh? As soon as I figure out how to get unchained... from inside this locked trunk... submerged in this tank full of water... I'll help you, say, where's that key from Zeb?
Weeee're heere. Let's get it done and then catch a wave or two.
Showdown
Ah, we've been expecting you. You've learned a great deal from Zebediah... a traiter who was exiled from... our underground empire. Yes, he was once one of us. No matter, whatever you've learned won't be enough... to save you. You shall be eliminated.
Finale
....o	Jake!
Professor! It's most righteous to see you.	Are you the one who saved me?
Dude, did you get a blow to the head or something? Of course I saved you. I'm here, aren't I?	Yes, of course. Look! The underground people are going back. Edogy must have had control of their minds. They have lived here before we did.
Dad! Jake! Dad! Jake!	Dad!
Alright already, Allison. Say, how did you get here anyway?	Zeb and I took the Hollywood Freeway.
Jake, thanks, dude -- really.	For sure. Where is the Zebster anyway?
He left this for you....	Jake, you've been most excellent. By now you know I'm one of the underground people. Edogy has been destroyed, so I'm going back... back to my people, back to my own world. You've been a totally decent apprentice. Maybe we can do lunch sometime? Later, dude.
Zebediah... dude!	Jake, I've learned some magic from Zeb, too.
I wanted to help you...	...but I chained myself in this locked trunk... submerged in a water tank, see, and...
It's totally tranquil, Allison. All's excellent that ends excellent.	I'm going to practice. Will you teach me?
Um...	Why don't we just stick to skateboarding for now? And leave the lessons to Zeb next time we see him. Copesetic?
For sure, dude.	The End

There are few words in the English language that I feel can accurately convey my feelings regarding the game Totally Rad. But if I had to pick a few words they would probably be: radical, excellent, decent, righteous, dude!, and gnarly. Since these are the only words in the game I felt it would really add to this "review" to bring forward my Complete Totally Rad Storyboard.

Most Nintendo games made in this era (1991) sufferend from the same problem: Excessive Awesomeness.

Excessive Awesomeness (or EA) was something that happened to everything in the world between 1988 and 1992. Some side-effects of this condition include: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Wayne's World.

The only regret I have about Totally Rad is the snubbing of the word "bodacious" from the game's vocabulary. Certainly they could have squeezed that one in.

I wasn't really aware of this Nintendo masterpiece until Lefty from Polymorph Want a Cracker? brought it to my attention. I thank him immensely for letting me know about this game.

So it is with great honor and pride that I present the Complete Totally Rad Storyboard. Enjoy.

One thing about Totally Rad is that it is supposed to involve magic. In the first three levels I just went around shooting people with lasers that came out of my hand. That doesn't seem any more magical than any average Nintendo game, but magic enough to suit my tastes. Then there's this part where Zebediah says, "Your magic is more powerful than mine now. I have nothing more to teach you. Use your gift and save Allison's father." I was a bit confused by this. What magic was he talking about? I have a magic meter but it doesn't seem to ever change. Also, you don't find magic or life like in every other game ever made.

So I accidentally press the start button and find that there's a selection screen with all these weird looking icons. What to do, what to do. I decided to choose the one that looks like a wing.

I press it but nothing happens. I jam on the control pad and figure out that by pressing UP and B that I have grown wings and can fly. I notice that it took two magic units away. Ah, now this is starting to look familiar. It's like in most games where you fly... you're on a time limit and when you run out of magic you become regular again. I was wrong. You can just fly around as much as you want. So now I'm flying over all the enemies' heads and attacking them with a weapon that appears to be twice as strong as the hand lasers were.

Now how do I have this power again? You don't even have to gain it, you just have it when you start. Basically it's like a lazy man's Mega Man. Wouldn't Mega Man be great if you just started out with all of your enemies' weapons? Wouldn't Super Mario Brothers be great if you could just fly over every level and then just land on the flag at the end, unscathed? Wouldn't Legend of Zelda be fantastic if you just started out with all the items and pieces of the triforce? Basically your character does absolutely no growing during this game.

There are two other characters you can transform into. One is a Frogman. So he must be good at swimming, right? Right?? Not so much. He just looks like a frog. He can shoot something that kinda resembles a Chinese star and that's cool, right? No? Oh, well, there's also this other thing you can transform into! I call him a "Bearman" because I can't really tell what he is but he shoots electricity out of his hand so I just naturally assume that he's a bear, because that's what bears do.

SOME GUY: Hey Chefelf, do you like chocolate?

CHEFELF: Does a bear shoot electricity out of his hands?

There are a few problems with these two creatures. The Frogman can't swim and his weapon is really weak. The Bear's weapon may be powerful but it doesn't shoot. We all know that a weaker weapon is perfectly acceptable if it can shoot.

The main problem with these two are that they can't fly. Why would you consciously choose a guy that CAN'T FLY, when you can just as easily choose a guy that CAN fly? He FLIES... he's a flier! And his weapon shoots. Can you beat that? I don't believe that you can. The best thing about the Flying Guy is that he can fly and it takes no magic. Clearly there are some poor design issues going on with this aspect of the game. It's weird that in a game that is allegedly about magic I only used magic about three times (and mostly out of curiosity).

If you have any information on this game I would greatly appreciate it. I looked for an instruction manual online but found nothing. I would really like some answers to my questions. If anyone out there would be kind enough to share them with me just email me at nate@lanceandeskimo.com with some info.

Another cool thing you can do with magic is summon this racially offensive guy to appear and blow on everybody. I don't remember if it actually did anything, but I did appreciate the racially offensive guy showing up.

At the end of the game the professor declares: "Look! The underground people are going back. Edogy must have had control of their minds." Oh, so I guess that guy I beat was Edogy, huh. Cool, I guess I saved the day. Yippee! It's very weird when you're fighting a guy and you don't even know that he's the last guy until the words "The End" appear on the screen. You assume that he's pretty final by the taunting he partakes in before you fight him but one should never have to assume. If I had known before hand that I was fighting the final villain maybe I would have gotten nervous or something.

Edogy is a ridiculous looking guy--with a huge sword--that is for some reason weaker than any of the past level bosses. They should have gotten the guy from Level 4 to be the last guy. Man, HE was tough!

Some of my favorite Totally Rad moments:

1. The fact that Zebediah indirectly admits that he's "very ugly"
2. When the professor says: "Look! The underground people are going back. Edogy must have had control of their minds. They have lived here before we did." Going back where? Controlled their minds, eh? Sure. They have lived here before we did. Lived where? Underground? We don't live underground.
3. How Jake is "attacked by surprise" while he is in a huge evil militarily controlled city. Did this city all of a sudden spring up under his feet? It looks like it's been there for a while. It would be impossible to contract the labor to make this city appear that quickly.
4. The clever exchange of dialogue between Jake and Allison including: "Don't be a wimp, Jake" and "Cute, Allison. Real Cute!"
5. When Zebediah says: "Jake, communicate telepathically from now on." and then they don't communicate telepathically ever.
6. The characters constantly bringing up skateboarding or surfing because that's what "totally rad" people and "cool dudes" do.
7. This guy:
   
8. In the letter when Zebediah says: "By now you know I'm one of the underground people." Uh, no we don't. Why would we know that? How would we know that? And more importantly: why would we care?