The 7 Stages of Finding Out that Patrick Swayze Sang "She's Like the Wind"
Co-written by Paul
Everyone remembers where they were when they found out that Patrick Swayze sang "She's like the wind." I was... well, I don't remember, but I have a lot of brain damage, a necessary result of my position as curator and head drinks taster at The Extinct Beverage Museum. There's a lot I don't remember now; a single sip of Tizer, for instance, wiped out my memory of first through fourth grade, along with all my memories of mean old Ms. Wirth who was so fat that she shook like jelly when she walked and my first innocent flirtation with little Angela Dalfrey. All of these memories, of course, are reconstructed, partly from circumstantial evidence, but mostly from reading Calvin and Hobbes. My pet tiger was dope.
So I might not have an exact memory of who humiliated me with their superior knowledge of 80's balladeer/heartthrobs, but I have a general sense that there are five stages on the journey to acceptance. Those of you who never knew until now about Swayze's singing career can spot me; compare your own feelings with the ones I've listed below, and if I missed a stage, well, then I'll have sex with a dog!
When somebody first tells you the sorry truth, a conversation like this will probably occur:
SOMEBODY: It's like when Patrick Swayze sang that song, She's Like the Wind.
YOU: He didn't sing that song.
SOMEBODY: Yeah he did.
YOU: No he didn't, jackass.
SOMEBODY: Uh, yeah, he did.
YOU: Patrick Swayze was in Dirty Dancing. He didn't sing the song. What, jackass, do you think Sylvester Stallone sang Eye of the Tiger?
SOMEBODY: All I'm saying is I know what's true.
YOU: I guess Cary Elwes sang that song about the dogs, huh? and (giggling) Whitney Huston sang "I will always love you?"
SOMEBODY: (makes W sign with hands)
After you have run out of insults, you will be beset by guilt. After all, your companion cannot help his/her obvious idiocy. Assuming that your friend is having a level-of-reality problem perfectly expected in a toddler or a psychopath, or possibly an alien from a planet inhabited by a race of toddler psychopaths, you will gently explain the difference between actors and characters, real and pretend, in that inimitable teaching style of yours that has earned you the sobriquet "Sensei".
YOU: It's like Hollywood.
SOMEBODY: OK, if I'm wrong about this, I'll pay for pizza, but if you're wrong, you have to have sex with my dog.
The person revealing this news--after being sufficiently insulted--will then be asked if they want to "place a wager." This will usually involve who pays the other $20, who pays for the pizza or who will have sex with a dog.
YOU: Patrick Swayze didn't actually sing that song, right?
In this stage the victim is then confronted with evidence to support the Patrick Swayze theory. This usually happens of the course of the next 2-3 days and it becomes evident that it is possible that Patrick Swayze did sing the song. The victim then begins to question him/herself.
You put it to a Google.com Search Engine vote. You search for the following phrases "she's like the wind by patrick swayze" and "she's like the wind not by patrick swayze". The former receives 153 results and the latter receives 139 results. Now your doubt only grows. It's too close to call, you'll need more information.
YOU: Of course he didn't. Patrick Swayze is an actor. They wouldn't get him to sing the ballad, they'd get ....
YOU: So I won't have to have sex with the dog?
YOU: Don't worry about it. Trust me.
YOU: Hmm... everyone on the internet seems to think Patrick Swayze sang it. Oh no!
You quickly realize that you've been living a life completely oblivious to Patrick Swayze's involvement with the singing of that song. Borrowing a CD from a girl you know you are proven wrong once and for all.
The internet (or some inferior research device) affirms that your worst nightmares are true. He did sing the song! Not only did he sing it but everyone but yourself knows it. How could you have gone this long without realizing it! It's 1998 for Christ's sake!
SOMEBODY: So you checked it out, right? Did he sing She's Like the Wind or not?
Your duty now is to perpetuate the cycle by making someone that doesn't know yet feel like an idiot. You probably have plenty of pent up humiliation about the matter that you would like to inflict on someone else. Or possibly Paul and I are the only two idiots on the face of the Earth who didn't know about this to begin with.
YOU: Oh, She's Like the Wind I thought you meant I Had the Time of my Life. I knew he sung the other one.