Beverages Rants Reviews Gaming Miscellaneous
Barbarian Queen II in its review of Barbarian Queen II describes it like so:

In the sequel, the Barbarian Queen is in pursuit of teenage warlords.

They've obviously never seen this movie since that isn't even remotely close to being the plot. There was one person in the movie who was young but I think she was about ten or eleven. In any case she was neither a warlord nor a teenager, nor a group of teenage warlords and the Barbarian Queen was not in pursuit of her at all. But they were enemies and that is how the movie begins.

For some reason the Barbarian Queen (who is actually a princess of a place inhabited by no barbarians at all) is in a kingdom that apparently she has been in all along. This movie makes no effort to acknowledge the existence of the first Barbarian Queen movie even though it is possibly the same character being portrayed.

Girl Power SceptreThe king has been killed in battle and now a goofier looking evil king has taken over. He imprisons Athalia (the Barbarian Queen) who knows the "power of the sceptre." She manages to escape from her cell and mutters a long rambling feminist speech at the sceptre that sounds like it could be the lyrics to a Spice Girls song. In fact I think that Athalia does have "Girl Power."

The KingThe king ambushes her but she manages to easily escape and assemble yet another trio of girl fighters to help her reclaim the throne. She, of course, assembles this crew by saving a wide variety of different girls from a wide variety of rape scenes.

Guy from 'Wings'A nobleman, who looks a great deal like the guy from Wings is eventually kidnapped by Athalia and her band. This happens to be a nobleman that Athalia has had a past relationship with. She explains to him how the peasants have been mistreated by the new king and even introduces him to some of the peasants. After introducing them to a family of peasants she walks with him about 10 paces away and the two have sex on the ground clearly withing sight of the family.

The rebels have also captured Hofrax, the leader of the evil king's army. After the gratuitous love scene Athalia and the guy from Wings go over to watch as a group of peasants remove Hofrax's pants and begin smacking his ass with a sword. Athalia looks concerned at first and we brace ourselves for the obligatory: "I'm the good guy and I'm going to show compassion and tell my people to not torture the bad guy" scene, but instead she simply laughs as they continue to hit his butt.

Eventually the bad guys capture Athalia and are not as forgiving. In a torture scene that pays homage to the great torture scene of Barbarian Queen I, Athalia's shirt is removed and she's placed on some easily escapable torture rack.

SpiderLater on the king's little brat daughter places a spider on Athalia's rather muscular arm but the guy from Wings knocks the spider off of her. We clearly see that she has not been bitten but later it is brought up that the spider poison is killing her then two minutes later she's fine.

Pocket Mona LisaThe king's daughter then prays to a small version of the Mona Lisa (I like to think of her as the "Mini Lisa") to make her an adult and after a brilliant magical display she is turned into a grown up. She uses this "disguise" to infiltrate the rebel camp but then quickly blows her cover by saying a bunch of totally characteristic things and by trying to kill everyone.

Eventually she returns to the castle and is killed by her own father who doesn't know who she is. When she changes back into a little girl he realizes that he has killed the joy of his life and quickly takes his own life.

All is right with the world once again and we imagine that Athalia and the guy from Wings rule for a long time and have lots of sex. At least until Barbarian Queen III where they will pretend that none of this ever happened.

Barbarian Queen II

The back of the box alerts us to the fact that Barbarian Queen II is: Rated R for "Sensuality." Sensuality apparently equals boobies.

The Empress Strikes Back

There is something to be said for blatant thievery. The makers of Barbarian Queen II had no qualms with stealing the title for this movie. It isn't bad enough that everyone who sees this movie will say: "Oh geez, they stole the title from The Empire Strikes Back." But there is the added fact that there is NO empress in this movie at all. You can kinda make a case for the Athalia striking back. I guess it goes along well with the title Barbarian Queen which also makes no sense describing the Non-barbarian princess.

Some Bad Luck

Mud Wrestling

At one point Athalia gets into a fight with a girl. Not only was she unlucky enough to get into a fight with this girl but then she gets her top ripped off! THEN while the two of them are tumbling around they knock over a barrel of water! So now they're wet too! then as they keep rolling around they create mud and before you know it they're both topless and covered in mud and wrestling. What are the odds?

Corporal Shruggy


In one of the rape scenes two soldiers hold down a girl and begin to disrobe her. She is fighting and screaming and one of the soldiers says: "C'mon, take it like a man." This prompts the other soldier to shoot his colleague an icy stare. Then the soldier shrugs. I like to imagine that this soldier's name is Corporal Shruggy.

Lana Clarkson

Lana Clarkson

Once again the talented and beautiful Lana Clarkson turns in a performance worthy of... some better movie. For more information on Lana Clarkson check out her website at

Boobies = Only 6
Rape scenes = at least 6
Quality Actresses = 1
Likability of Hero = 8
Joie de Vivre of Villain = - 8
Soundtrack = 4/10
Awkward Homo-erotic Moments = 1
Heroine Portrayal on Cover Accuracy = 11%

"Hoo Hoo!" Factor

Movie Title
1989, Concorde New Horizon Corp.
87 Minutes
Rated R for "sensuality"

Directed by Joe Finley

Written by Howard R. Cohen and Lance Smith

Soundtrack by Christopher Young

Amathea Lana Clarkson
Aurion Greg Wrangler
Zarla Rebecca Wood
Noki Elizabeth Jaeger
Hofrax Roger Cudney
Ankaris Alejandro Bracho
Tamis Cecilia Tijerina
Soldier 4 Hector De Rubin

Join the discussion in the Chefelf Forums!

Lance and Eskimo Main Page