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After a successful career as a nauseating pin-up girl and a killer of the elderly, it was only logical that Anna-Nicole Smith should get her own feature film. Her vehicle was the 1995 blockbuster Skyscraper, which, according to the back of the Blockbuster Video box, is about a helicopter pilot in the midst of "a DIE HARD-type skyscraper incident." It's not often that one finds ad copy that makes such a virtue of its product being derivative; but it's not often that there's so little to say about a movie's plot. It's like Die Hard, if Bruce Willis spent his time skulking through the skyscraper, avoiding contact with the villains, and sinking unexpectedly into flashbacks about the time he had sex with a cop.
So there's a computer chip of some sort, right? And it's in the skyscraper. Bad guys want it. If it got into their hands, they could... do something. What? uncrack all the world's codes, like in Sneakers? locate people by their voiceprint or something, like in Charlie's Angels? launch missiles full of poisonous gas, like in The Rock? Maybe. Probably. But they never tell us.
Anna Nicole Smith, a helicopter pilot with an unhealthy obsession with Marilyn Monroe, lands the bad guys on the roof and waits while they infiltrate the building, killing and looting. Eventually she gets bored with waiting for them and wanders into the building, where she manages to have her clothes ripped off a couple of times and shoots some guy in the crotch. Meanwhile, the bad guys are having a great time following the worst terrorist plan of all time, which seems to be written on a single sheet of looseleaf, and which involves infra-red sensors, elevator rides, and lots of people getting shot and leaving long red streaks down the wall. About 80% of the people shot are filled with blood; the other 20%, unaccountably, seem to be filled with water. Eventually, they either find or don't find that microchip.
If you're on a quest, as we are, to find the worst actress of all time, you'd be a fool if you didn't consider Anna-Nicole. She delivers lines with the authority of a five-year-old being coached to deliver the family's answering machine message. She refers to her city of residence as "Lost Angeles." I'm not kidding. But enough about her. The real star of this movie is SAG newcomer Charles Huber, who plays the villain.
The villain, known simply as Fairfax, is the South African leader of a UN-type strike force which includes comic foreigners of all flavors, including a Frenchman, a German, a Jamaican, a Russian, and a guy with a name like "Zorag" who we're not sure about. Fairfax has an IQ of 175 and an Oxford degree, with high marks in Shooting Own Guy and Not Planning an Escape Route. He accompanies every action with inappropriate commentary from Shakespeare.
If you want to get the gist of Skyscraper without having to see it (a consummation devoutly to be wished) you need to experience two basic elements: Anna Nicole Smith's ghastly breasts and Fairfax's gleefully innacurate Shakespeare quotes. The former can be found almost anywhere. The latter is a little more difficult to find. However, recently, we acquired the much-sought-after microchip from the movie Skyscraper. With a few solder points and a refurbished Commodore 64 we were able to complete our Fairfax 5000 Megacomputer.

Click below to enter the Fairfax 5000 Shakespeare Butchery Chamber:
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Talent of female lead in hundredth of a point = 0
Implausability of heroine's breasts = 10
Probability of a Hollywood fake blood shortage = 78%
Loose ends left untied = 29
Percentage chance Kenneth Brannagh would blanch with horror = 100%
Jokes about sex with goats = 1
Implausability of explosions = 6.5
Soundtrack = 3

"Hoo Hoo!" Factor

1995, PM Entertainment
96 Minutes
Rated R

Directed by Raymond Martino

Written by William Applegate Jr. and John Larrabee

Carrie Wink Anna Nicole Smith
Gordon "Gordy" Wink Richard Steinmetz
Zarkov Branko Cikatic
Hakim Calvin Levels
Fairfax Charles Huber

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