So the other day Laura and I were in the check out line at the local grocery store when something caught our collective eye. Actually we each have our own set of eyes but sometimes I'd rather envision us as a ghastly deformed monster that has one head with one giant eye and two bodies growing lopsidedly from it.

What we saw was this:

How can one resist amazing but true cat facts for $1.19? It's even harder to resist when one's parents have given you $20.00 to spend on groceries and will never notice that it's missing.

The back of the book promises to answer the questions: Why do cats sulk? Can they give you AIDS? Do they have healing powers? Do they really have psychic powers? At last, a book that answers the questions that we've all been too afraid to ask.

When we got home I quickly opened it up and browsed the table of contents that featured chapters like: Your Cat's Personality, You and Your Cat and Special Powers. You know, just the standard feline traits one thinks of when they think of cats.

Instead of dispelling the rumors about cats, this book elects to create its own new and more absurd brand of cat mythology. The following is a collection of questions from the book with my analysis of the answers. Enjoy.

Do Cats Need Shrinks?
The sheer absurdity of this question alone made it rather difficult to read on, but I did anyway. The author does not necessarily answer this question but rather talks about different nervous disorders and phobias that cats may face. Also the author says that "Truly, they are a pitiful sight to behold. 'I'm a wreck,' your cat is calling out to you. 'Please help me!'"

Can Cats Suffer a Midlife Crisis?
The author explains that cats whose lives have become "one big bore" will go through a midlife crisis. I have had many cats live with me over the years and have never witnessed a feline midlife crisis. What's more is that I've never encountered a cat anywhere whose life wasn't one big bore from birth to death.

Do Cats Need Glasses?
First of all, has anyone ever seen a cat with glasses? No. Therefore if the glasses don't exist, cats must not need them. This question is answered by describing how cats can see movement in a field 120 feet away but never actually answers the question. If cats did wear glasses though it would probably look a little something like this: =^OO^=

Do Cats Get Stressed Out?
The author states that Cats will reflect the stress level of its owner. It also contains the great line: "Why is my cat acting so stressed? I haven't 'said' a word to her about losing my job."

Can You Catch AIDS From Your Cat?
The question we've all been waiting for. This takes me back to grade school when every six days they would hit you with another ridiculous question like: "Can I get AIDS from worrying about it too much?" And the teacher would answer: "You would think that you could, but it is false. You can only get it from sexual intercourse, sharing drug needles, or a blood transfusion." Then the next week it would be: "Can I get AIDS from eating too much Captain Crunch?" Then the teacher would counter: "Believe it or not... even though Captain Crunch has AIDS we can't get it by simply eating his cereal. You can only get it from sexual intercourse, sharing drug needles, or a blood transfusion."

Can Cats Predict the Future?
The author's answer is simple enough: Yes, they can. What a lie! Cats can not predict the future? The author goes on and on about some garbage how in World War II British families found that their cats' hair would stand on end right before they were about to be bombed. Nonsense. I tried it out. My cat hasn't given me a single decent Keno pick in months.

How Do Cats Predict Earthquakes?
Notice the wording of that question? Not: Can Cats Predict Earthquakes? But rather: How do they? This is just taking for granted what has already been stated which is that cats can predict the future. It goes on to list four present theories as to how they do it which include my favorite: that cats just have supernatural powers.

Can Cats Predict the Weather?
This would of course go along with the future. The answer explains how French fishermen would watch their cats to predict weather changes. It then goes on to explain the four weather patterns that cats can predict including:

Rain
It says that cats will pass their paws behind their ears during grooming. Don't cats always do that? Don't cats never not do that? Doesn't that mean that a cat is washing behind their ear? Why would they only do this when it's about to rain?

Windy
Windy? Windy is not a weather pattern. It's always windy everywhere on earth which will explain the answer that a cat will clean its nose when "windy" is about to happen.

Low tide
A cat's pupils will be small. Now what gets me about this one is that low tide doesn't need to be predicted. It happens once a day. It's like predicting nighttime and morning.

High tide
A cat's pupils will be large. Boy, French fishermen must suck.

It goes on to say that you should, "...throw away your thermometers and stop watching forecasts on TV." Hmm. Last time I checked my thermometer did predict that were going to have "windy."

Are Left-Handed Cats Psychic?
Apparently Dr. Joseph Bank Rhine discovered in the 1930s that cast had "extra" psychic powers. He noted that "truly psychic cats are often left-handed." Want to know if your cat is a psychic? Do you have six or seven hours to spare? Then try Dr. Cole's test!

"Take a sheet of stiff cellophane and roll it into a tube about three inches wide. Tape it onto a stiff card. Then give your cat the chance to play with it a little bit.

"Once she seems familiar with it, offer a scrap of her favorite food. When she has eaten it, put a second scrap just in front of the mouth of the tube so that she can pick it up easily. Now, put the food INSIDE the tube and watch which paw she uses to retrieve it.

"Repeat 10 times, keeping track of which paw your cat uses exclusively. If it's the left paw, there's a greater chance that your cat is psychic."

I don't need a psychic cat to tell me that if you do this your cat will most likely be vomiting in the near future.