So I was driving down the street the other day minding my own business when this state trooper pulled me over. He wasn't a regular state trooper but rather one of those sneaky ones driving around in a car that had no sirens on top. "Damnit." I cursed as I pulled over. In seven years of driving this was the first time I had been pulled over.

The cop shattered every imaginable stereotype that could be applied to a police officer. He was very friendly. He was cautious. He wasn't holding a donut. He was incredibly polite, explaining and almost apologizing for the inconvenience that he had caused me by pulling me over.

Apparently there's some sort of law in Rhode Island called "The Good Driver Statute" which says that if you have a good driving record for more than three years that your first offense will be wiped from your record with no fine applied. The police man explained this all to me and showed me that in order to do this I would have to appear in court.

My court date was set for a month later at the ungodly hour of 8:30 A.M. This is about three and a half hours after I normally go to bed so I was less than thrilled with this turn of events. The cop also gave me directions to the courthouse using only strip clubs.

A month later I found myself in my state's scenic capital city looking for "Club Fantasies" so that I could get this garbage done with. After being harassed by the elderly security staff on my way in I found this day to be nothing more than an extremely boring waiting game. I had my heart set on getting an article out of this experience because otherwise the whole day would have been a waste.

Even though nothing particularly funny happened the whole court scene made me think of the show Night Court from the eighties. I began thinking about how I could make a similar show from the cast of characters present in the court room. This show would will kick ass!

Here is the current dream cast. I have done my best to match up the people in the courtroom with the celebrities that most resemble them. These choices have been made by looks alone and I will not rule out other possibilities should anyone else wish to audition.

The Judge

Charles Durning

My boredom quickly turned to jubilation as one of the bailiffs poorly recited: "All rise, blah blah, the honorable judge, blah blah blah, this court is now in session." This was great! It was just like on TV! And this judge was hard-nosed but fair. On the outside he was hard as nails but you just knew that inside he had a heart of gold. Either that or nougat. Probably nougat.

Bailiff #1

Alex Karras

This bailiff was the one who did the most talking. He couldn't speak to save his life! He fumbled every name he had to call and almost every other word he had to utter. He was rapidly descending upon the age of sixty so I get the idea that he had been doing this job for some time.

State Trooper

Richard Hatch

For some reason this officer had to be present. He didn't appear to do anything but he was there the whole time that I was. This guy was a hard ass. He didn't smile once. During a few occasions there were these other state troopers who came in to ask him stuff and he wouldn't even be pleasant to them. Bailiffs were joking with him and he remained totally stoic. I wonder if he's found happiness in his life.

Bailiff #2

Cecil Turtle

This bailiff was the one who had to do all the leg work. He looked like he could have been the grandfather of the first bailiff. He looked like he was no stranger to being in his eighties. He was the slowest man I have ever watched.

Guy going 80 in 55

[Picture Not Available] William Gallo

This guy had used a full tube of hair gel prior to coming into the court room. As he passed me the stench of cheap cologne permeated the air. He was dressed in what appeared to be an ALL LEATHER suit. The judge announced something about this being his eleventh violation in a year. The man explained that he was late for work but the judge had had enough. The judge actually said the following: "Your record is a disgrace, Tony. You're at the end of your rope... If I so much catch you jaywalking, you're through, understand? You'll be walking!" Now as the kid was leaving the State Trooper stopped him and said: "I'm gonna be watching you. One slip up and you're finished." This guy was screwed! I have a feeling that he had his license suspended on the way home from the courthouse.

Woman Going 80 in 65

Rosie Perez

On top of the speeding she was also driving with a suspended license. The judge kept asking her questions that she couldn't answer because she was REALLY REALLY dumb. It was great because afterwards he asked her to do something simple like sign a piece of paper and she just walked away. When he tried to get her to come back by saying: "Hey! Hey!" she just kept walking because she didn't know he was talking to her.

Guy Who Wanted a Trial

Michael Stoyanov

This guy showed up wearing what seemed to be a brand new suit. The judge said, "You are charged with going through a yield sign doing fifty. How do you plead?" The man quickly broke out a briefcase. "I have a few things I would like to point out, your honor. I took a few pictures of the scene--" The judge quickly interjected by pointing out that this was not a trial and if he wanted to go to trial that he could. The man was lead off to a different courtroom looking rather emasculated. You could tell that he had spent the last few nights watching all of his VHS archive of the show The Practice.

Painfully Hot Clerk/Stenographer

Shannon Elizabeth

I have no idea which she was or what she was doing but this girl was absolutely beautiful. All the dirty old bailiffs were exceptionally nice to her while they treated everyone else there like dirt. She had a PC setup on a table and she was just sitting there, legs crossed, using it. I have no idea what function she served besides looking good and taking everyone's mind off their misery. The way she used the mouse was incredibly sexy. I could tell if this was because 1.) It was really early in the morning, 2.) I am a sad, lonely, sex-starved loser, 3.) I am way too into computers, or 4.) She was just gorgeous. Her hair, makeup and clothes all looked like they were picked out by a pimp. It looked like someone had done some work to make her look as sleazy as possible which was a shame because I'm sure she would have looked great in jogging pants and a sweater. It looked like she could have just wrapped up a late night shift at Club Fantasies.

Lawyer

Tim Curry

This lawyer looked as sleepy as I felt. He looked like it was taking everything he had to stay awake. At one point the judge told him to his face that he had to take his case to a different room in the courthouse. He looked back at the judge and replied, "Yes, your honor." Then he preceded to just sit there for about five minutes before his client finally said: "Aren't we supposed to go to court room 1B?" "No, the judge will tell us if we have to go there," the lawyer responded. "But he did say that," the criminal told him. "Oh... well then let's go." As they got up and left I wondered how that man was going to deal with spending the rest of his life behind bars.

Coming this Fall to NBC!