Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was a fantastic movie. I heard about it on the internet and actually drove with Paul and laura for over an hour just to go see it (in New England this is considered a "big deal").

I can't say enough good things about the movie. It had everything: A good plot, a beautiful love story, good guys, bad guys, pirates, great martial arts scenes, breathtaking special effects. (okay, I lied, there were no martial arts scenes).

The only thing about the movie that annoyed me was the Americans. You may be thinking: "I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I don't remember any Americans." I'm not talking about in the movie, I'm talking about all around you. You see them everywhere you go. They're walking around in grocery stores, coming into gas stations, in line behind you at the bank... someone you know or love could even be an American.

The thing about Americans is that they're really dumb. These are the same people that refer to Married with Children as "quality programming."

I talked to quite a few friends and acquaintances (all of whom were Americans) and here's what they had to say.

"It was subtitled! I didn't know it was going to be subtitled!"

Brilliant. Basically it was assumed that a film starring such names as Michelle Yeoh, Zi Yi Zhang and Chow Yun-Fat would be in English. Part of this is because Americans are generally so spoiled in this department. Everything seems to be made so that Americans will feel the most comfortable. Everyone everywhere speaks English as a second language. Why do they do this? Is it for their own benefit? Hardly. It's because everyone everywhere is aware that Americans are really dumb and lazy, so they learn English because they know if they don't there will be no chance whatsoever that they'll be able to communicate with Americans and unfortunately America is where a lot of really cool and important stuff is. On the internet americans are so important, evidently, that the "countries-of-the-world tab" on every order form is always in Alphabetical order EXCEPT that "United States" is first. Americans would be confused otherwise. "Is it under United States or America...?" Millions would be lost yearly as Americans ventured out of there house to shop at "stores."

"The fight scenes were cool but it was a little unbelievable when they flew."

Okay. There's a little something I like to call "suspension of disbelief." If you're American I'll explain what that means for you in simpler terms. In fact, let's see if I can do it using all one syllable words just for fun:

some time in film weird stuff go on 'cause it not real deal with it

It's a freakin' movie! These are the same EXACT people who think tat the Matrix is the "best movie ever made." Don't get me wrong, I thought the Matrix was delicious, but c'mon. According to this logic, the Matrix had nothing in it that defied belief. AI becoming "smart", virtual reality controlling reality, Keanu Reeves being the "chosen one." All of this is perfectly acceptable. And what happens at the very end of the Matrix? Neo flies.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon... different story. There's flying people! PEOPLE DON'T FLY!

Star Wars, fantastic movie! 900 year old hermit, something called "the force" that is basically just some magic (but as we know from the movie cannot make you fly unless you're an X-wing), lightsabers emit an "impossible" stationary energy beam that can slice through anything but apparently emit no heat, Princess Leia not being turned on by Lando Calrissian.

Is Star Wars a great movie? Yes, of course. Do we accept the fact that weird stuff happens? Of course we do, it's entertainment. If it was just some space men taking 20 year trips going slower than light and shooting each other with guns it wouldn't be entertaining and no one would go see it.

But in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon they fly!

"If I wanted to spend $8.50 to read I'd... blah, blah, blah..."

Reading hurts my brain! C'mon. For a second when this movie was beginning to gain some popularity my faith in Americans was rising. Now it's back down in the sewers where it belongs.

How come Americans are so stupid? Come up with a real reason to not like this movie. How about thinking it had a weak plot, or not enjoying the acting of Chow Yun-Fat or any of an number of real reasons to not like a movie.

Of course we are talking about the same people that think wrestling is real and that elected George W. Bush as president so maybe such concepts are just out of their grasp. You may be saying, "But Chefelf, you are in America... doesn't that make you American?"

Uh... not me, my family's from Canada.