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People with Girlfriends

America's SweetheartsWhat is it with people with girlfriends? Is it the sudden unsolicited explanations of love? Suddenly your friend is the person who invented love. They go through lengthy mind numbing explanations of what is good about love. I'm pretty sure I'm aware of the greatness of love. If not from my own experience then from owning all the Beatles albums.

And all of a sudden you have to hear long agonizing recounts of sexual experiences. What could be more pleasant to hear than long graphic detailed sexual story when you aren't getting any yourself? And also they must phrase the story being extra descriptive because, according to them, you've not just been without sex for a while--you are a virgin.

Girlfriends always have big plans. Guys are content to sit on the couch all day sitting on their hands and watching an old VHS tape of Danger Mouse. Girls can't sit still for a single second. They must be thoroughly entertained for 12 hours a day.

A Day in the Life of a Happy Couple

9:00 A.M.Girlfriend wakes up. She makes breakfast. She get dressed. She does hair. She puts on makeup. She does whatever other girly things they do.

10:30 A.M. Girlfriend leaves house to heads to mall. Spends 2 hours shopping.

12:30 P.M. Calls boyfriend. Makes plans for thirty minutes into the future which override all boyfriend's previously laid plans. This includes doctors appointments, family gatherings, funerals, work, etc. If boyfriend refuses plans, girlfriend gets very noticeably upset and claims not to be.

1:15 P.M. Girlfriend meets boyfriend for lunch. This generally occurs at someplace like Applebees, TGI Friday's, or Ruby Tuesday's.

1:17 P.M. Girlfriend's first comment about how slow the service is.

1:18 P.M. Girlfriend's second comment about how slow the service is.

(Note: Girlfriends are a different species than just regular girls. For some reason girlfriends have some bizarre hidden agenda that is never revealed to the more feeble-brained boyfriend until the last minute. Partly so he isn't confused, mostly so he can't be given time to weasel his way out or form an argument.)

1:19 P.M. Server comes by and girlfriend orders vegetarian dish. Boyfriend orders first thing he sees.

(Note: All girlfriends are herbivores.)

1:19 P.M. Girlfriend makes three consecutive comments about the waitress's appearance. First her makeup, second her hair, third what she's wearing. Boyfriend considers arguing that what she's wearing is a standard company uniform. If he's an experienced boyfriend he doesn't bother. If he's inexperienced he must be prepared to spend the next 24 hours exactly hearing from his girlfriend how he is in love with the waitress. This will be brought up for no reason whatsoever.

1:45 P.M. Leaving the restaurant the couple approaches the car but the girlfriend's keen senses detect the sign for the movie theatre. It is then announced that you will be seeing a movie. This will usually be the latest Richard Guerre, Mel Gibson or Hugh Grant romantic comedy. You see girlfriend reach in pocket book and make some revisionary scratches in her daily planner.

3:40 P.M. The couple leaves the movie theatre. The boyfriend begins walking towards the car but the girlfriend suggests that you walk around and look at some of the stores. This is played off as being completely impromptu.

(Note: Girlfriend did not check or modify daily planner.)

3:53 P.M. Boyfriend reluctantly agrees that skirt is the "cutest" skirt that he has ever seen.

4:12 P.M. Boyfriend finds himself calling something cute because he feels he has to.

(Note: Girlfriends think that anything slightly smaller than normal is cute. Girlfriends love flying. Everything on a plane is cute to them. Cute pillow, cute meal, cute can of coke, cute seats. Girlfriends think shrimp are cute and will not eat them. Puppies and kittens reduce girlfriends to babbling incoherent lumps.)

4:39 P.M. Couple finally leaves shopping area.

4:42 P.M. Fight begins on car ride home.

(Note: A fight doensn't have to be about ANYTHING. Generally it's incredibly petty and forgotten in an hour. This particular fight was about Dunkin' Donuts napkins.)

5:05 P.M. Fight ends.

5:12 P.M. Boyfriend is enticed by idea presented by girlfriend of ordering out for dinner and staying in.

(Note: This is just a ploy by girlfriend, don't believe it. It's done to keep boyfriends docile. High morale is key. The idea of staying ordering out and a staying in is Boyfriend Confinement Loaf.)

5:48 P.M. It is finally decided that Chinese is the way to go. Order is placed.

5:52 P.M. Girlfriend complains about being hungry.

5:58 P.M. Girlfriend complains about being hungry.

6:04 P.M. Girlfriend equates hunger pains to being stabbed or kicked in the stomach.

6:07 P.M. Girlfriend complains about being hungry.

6:11 P.M. Girlfriend complains about being hungry.

6:14 P.M. Girlfriend complains about being hungry.

6:20 P.M. Girlfriend complains about being hungry.

6:25 P.M. Girlfriend "cannot believe it's taking this long."

6:28 P.M. Food arrives.

6:41 P.M. Girlfriend complains about eating too fast.

6:52 P.M. Couple turns on TV. Girlfriend complains that there is nothing on.

7:00 P.M. Girlfriend wants to go out for ice cream. Boyfriend accepts. Boyfriend cannot help but notice that "going out" for ice cream is not in fact "staying in" but again, if he's experienced will not argue. If he's unexperienced he will argue and regret it.

7:25 P.M. Girlfriend announces that she shouldn't be eating ice cream because she is "getting fat." Boyfriend wonders why, if she in fact believes this to be true, she suggested ice cream in the first place. Once again the experienced boyfriend keeps his mouth shut. Also boyfriend states that 125 lbs. is not actually that fat.

7:38 P.M. Argument is unavoidable as girlfriend states that Jennifer Aniston is "not at all attractive." Boyfriend states that Jennifer Aniston is in fact "quite attractive" and now he's in hot water.

(Note: Even the most experienced of boyfriends will sometimes fall into this trap. Sometimes arguments are very hard to avoid.)

7:49 P.M. Girlfriend has started saying ridiculous things like "You should marry Jennifer Aniston, if she's that good looking" and "You must be in love with her." Boyfriend wonders why he bothers.

8:23 P.M. Boyfriend returns girlfriend to her house and wonders if he is spending the night.

9:16 P.M. Questions are answered when, during foreplay, girlfriend asks if she should dress up like Jennifer Aniston.

9:18 P.M. Frustrated boyfriend returns home, emotionally drained, to go to bed and build up strength for next day's activities.

(Note: The Jennifer Aniston thing will pop up 200-300 more times during the next 6 months. The only possible way for the boyfriend to stop this being brought up is by breaking up with the girlfriend and this only has a 50% probability of working.)

Girlfriends have zero tolerance for even this faintest suggestion that another girl in the world besides them is attractive. However, girlfriends can and will rant and rave about how sexy or handsome men are, ranging from friends and coworkers to singers and movie stars.

Also girlfriends can and will talk at length about their ex-boyfriends in the presence of the the current boyfriend regardless of how uncomfortable it makes him. The smart boyfriend will not use this as a defense. It is futile.

People with girlfriends are strange creatures. They speak on the phone more than any other life form known to man. And when they speak on the phone, they are apparently not speaking English or any similar dialect. It is a language that can only be decoded by the girlfriend. A soft collection of grunts and monosyllabic noises. It sounds a lot like whispering different phonetic sounds to a hearing impaired two year old at the other end. Babies may also be able to understand this language, but the research is still being done.

People with girlfriends also tend to do things that they'd never EVER do without them. Suddenly they're shaving once a day. Suddenly they have a deep and undying love for bluegrass music. Suddenly Will and Grace is a good show.

Prom NightIt's a peculiar phenomenon. More research needs to be done. And while my observations are shedding a lot of light on a lot of aspects of these behaviors, there's still a long road ahead of us. With proper funding we will one day understand these creatures by observing how they act in their natural habitat.

People reading this (mostly girls, particularly girlfriends) may think I am a "sexist jerk" with a "heart made of coal." Boyfriends will read it, expressionless and unblinking, neither admitting or denying any of it. The fact of the matter is that no one except a rationally thinking single person will be able to comprehend or appreciate the ground-breaking nature of this article. My advice: break up with your significant other then read it. Then you will have a clear mind and will be able properly evaluate my research.

Having said all of this, if you would like to date a closed minded fool such as myself why don't you take the Are You Nate's Girlfriend Material? Quiz! You may be surprised to find that we're a perfect match.


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