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1:51 P.M.

You enter a Home Depot store. You have a clear vision in your mind of what you need, and why you need it. As you enter you marvel at the sheer grandeur of the structure. You imagine that all the materials used in its construction were wheeled over from another Home Depot in one of those oversized shopping carts.
Testosterone levels:

1:58 P.M.

You finally reach your destination, deep in the bowels of the store. You are impressed when you begin to pick up new Home Depot Guy vocabulary words involving the specific product you are seeking.
Testosterone levels:

2:04 P.M.

You start looking for the second item on your list. You take a wrong turn and end up in the lumber section. The loud sound of whirring blades is heard off in the distance and you think you hear screaming. However you are pleased when you can identify the thickness of a sheet of drywall correctly without reading the sign.
Testosterone levels:

2:07 P.M.

Your attempts to look like a Home Depot Guy are dashed when you are nearly run over by a forklift.
Testosterone levels:

2:11 P.M.

Trying to escape witnesses to your clumsiness, you scurry away into uncharted depths of the store. Now you have no idea what you needed or how to get out. You must carefully construct a plan as to not embarrass yourself around the Home Depot Guys.
Testosterone levels:
6% Desperation: 62%

2:15 P.M.

You grab one of the 350 pound lumber shopping carts and begin to steer it around with 2x4s jutting out dangerously. You start to put things in the cart that you don't need based on how "bad ass" they will make you seem.
Testosterone levels:
58% Desperation: 83%

2:25 P.M.

You hit another man with your cart after careening out of control around a corner. You drop a torque wrench, a set of utility knives, some joint adhesive and a package of spackling putty onto the ground. You apologize to the man and although you can tell he's in a great deal of pain, he admits none of it. You notice that he's lugging around 50 pound bag of instant cement, but, since he's wearing Dockers, you surmise that he's not a Home Depot Guy either.
Testosterone levels:
92% Desperation: 95% Guy wearing dockers' desperation: 100%

2:33 P.M.

You begin to take shallow breaths and can swear that you taste the sawdust. You want out at any cost. You start to fantasize about the first woman you see. She's at least 20 years older than yourself but you could swear she's better looking than any woman your age that you've ever seen, even if she is missing a tooth or two. You find it endearing and ask her if she needs any help selecting the right set of safetly goggles.
Testosterone levels:
100% Desperation: 100%

2:37 P.M.

You make a quick attempt to find a register after you strike out with the woman you met in the Paint department. There is a gnawing feeling in your stomach and you begin to break out into a sweat. Somehow, you're forgetting something, but it's too late. You have to leave this store. You spend what seems like an eternity in line and even longer as the checkout woman tries to figure out how to scan the bar code of something that's 8 feet long. You recall this problem from past trips to Home Depot and are amazed that they still have not solved it.
Testosterone levels:
100% Desperation: Off the Scale

2:39 P.M.

In the parking lot you feel your testosterone and desperation levels creeping back into the green. You wish that you could call upon some of that testosterone power to figure out how to fit 8 rolls of fiberglass insulation and 13 2x4s into your Plymouth Horizon. Your head begins to clear and you realize that the woman you were trying to pick up was probably Doctor Octopus.
Testosterone levels:
15% Desperation: 82%
48 minutes in home depot

Actual Home Depot employee
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